When I was younger, I would have been perfectly happy spending hours alone in my room reading, learning about my latest obsession, and letting my mind wander.
在我年轻的时候，我很乐意一个人在房间里看几个小时的书，了解我最近迷恋的东西，任思绪飘荡。
But my mom was intentional about creating opportunities for me to engage and socialize—encouraging me to interact with all the guests who visited our house and making me serve as a greeter at my dad’s work events.
但是，妈妈有意识地为我创造参与和社交的机会--鼓励我与所有来家里做客的客人互动，让我在爸爸的工作活动中担任迎宾员。
She believed that connecting with others was a skill that had to be cultivated, even (or perhaps especially) for an introverted kid like me.
她认为，与他人建立联系是一种必须培养的技能，即使是（或许特别是）像我这样内向的孩子。

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately after reading David Brooks's newest book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. It was recommended to me by my friend Bernie Noe, and I was eager to dive in because I know David and enjoyed his previous book, The Road to Character. (Also: Whenever Bernie recommends a book to me, I read it.) The key premise is one I haven't found in any other book: that conversational and social skills aren't just innate traits—they can be learned and improved upon.
最近，在读了大卫-布鲁克斯（David Brooks）的新书《如何了解一个人》（How to Know a Person）之后，我一直在思考这个问题：The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen》。这本书是我的朋友伯尼-诺伊（Bernie Noe）推荐给我的，我迫不及待地想读一读，因为我认识戴维，也很喜欢他的上一本书《通往品格之路》（The Road to Character）。(另外，每当伯尼向我推荐一本书时，我都会读一读。）这本书的关键前提是我在其他书中没有发现过的：对话和社交技巧不仅仅是与生俱来的特质--它们是可以学习和提高的。

As someone who has always been more comfortable making software than small talk, I found this idea both refreshing and informative. As a result, even though some of its advice may seem fairly rudimentary, the book is now my favorite of anything David has written.
作为一个总是更喜欢做软件而不是闲聊的人，我发现这个想法既令人耳目一新，又信息丰富。因此，尽管书中的一些建议可能看起来相当简陋，但现在这本书已成为戴维所有著作中我最喜欢的一本。

While reading How to Know a Person, I took a ton of notes and reflected on my own communication style. In Chapter 6, "Good Talks," David dives into what makes a conversation meaningful.
在阅读《如何了解一个人》一书时，我做了大量笔记，并对自己的沟通风格进行了反思。在第 6 章 "好的谈话 "中，戴维深入探讨了怎样的谈话才是有意义的。
It really got me thinking about when I am fully present and engaged in a conversation, and when am I just trying to preserve my energy or avoid being interrupted.
这让我开始思考，什么时候我是全身心地投入到谈话中，什么时候我只是想保存体力或避免被打断。
I had to laugh at myself a bit, because I know I've been guilty of talking about topics I find fascinating, like the history of fertilizer, without always checking to see if the other person is interested.
我不得不自嘲一下，因为我知道我也曾犯过这样的错误，就是在谈论我认为很吸引人的话题时，比如肥料的历史，却总是不确定对方是否感兴趣。

One powerful takeaway from the book is the importance of active listening—or, as David calls it, loud listening. “When another person is talking,” he writes, “you want to be listening so actively that you’re practically burning calories.” I’m pretty good at that kind of listening when I’m super interested in a topic, especially when I’m learning something new.
这本书给人的一个深刻启示就是积极倾听的重要性，戴维称之为 "大声倾听"。"他写道："当别人在说话时，你要积极地倾听，以至于你几乎在燃烧卡路里"。当我对某个话题非常感兴趣时，尤其是在学习新知识的时候，我很擅长这种倾听方式。
But the book made clear how transformative it can be to bring that same enthusiasm when listening to someone talk about a hardship they’re dealing with or an accomplishment they’re proud of.
但是，这本书清楚地表明，在听别人讲述他们正在面对的困难或他们引以为豪的成就时，如果能带着同样的热情，会有多么大的改变。

Fortunately, the book is full of practical advice for doing that.
幸运的是，书中有很多实用的建议。
David emphasizes something I’ve found really helpful in my own life: asking open-ended questions—with phrases like "How did you…," "What's it like…," "Tell me about…," and "In what ways…"—that invite people to share their experiences and perspectives in a more in-depth way.
戴维强调了一些我在生活中发现非常有用的东西：提出开放式问题--如 "你是如何......"、"是什么感觉......"、"告诉我...... "和 "在哪些方面......"--邀请人们更深入地分享他们的经历和观点。
David also recommends using the "looping" technique, where you paraphrase what someone has just said to ensure you've understood them correctly.
戴维还建议使用 "循环 "技巧，即转述别人刚刚说过的话，以确保自己正确理解了对方的意思。
And he endorses what experts call the SLANT method to convey attention and interest in a conversation: Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod, and Track the speaker.
他赞同专家们所说的 "SLANT "方法，即在谈话中传达注意力和兴趣：坐立、前倾、提问、点头、跟踪发言者。

What I found especially compelling about the book is how it shows that these skills are relevant across all kinds of relationships and interactions.
我觉得这本书特别吸引人的地方在于，它告诉我们这些技能适用于各种关系和互动。
Whether you're catching up with a close friend, chatting with a coworker, or just exchanging pleasantries with someone while waiting in line for a cheeseburger, being fully present and attuned can transform the encounter.
无论是与好友叙旧、与同事聊天，还是在排队买芝士汉堡时与人寒暄，全身心地投入都能改变相遇的过程。
These simple practices can go a long way in making others feel heard and valued.
这些简单的做法可以让他人感到自己被倾听和重视。

The more I read, the more I realized how much the book's insights connect to the broader challenges we face in today's world. Back in 1995, when I wrote The Road Ahead, I predicted that technology would make it easier for us to stay connected with our hometowns and share our lives with others. And in many ways, it has.
我读得越多，就越意识到书中的见解与我们在当今世界面临的更广泛挑战有多大的关联。早在 1995 年，当我写下《前方的道路》一书时，我就预言技术将使我们更容易与家乡保持联系，并与他人分享我们的生活。在很多方面，它确实做到了。
But David argues in Chapter 8, "The Epidemic of Blindness," that technology has also contributed to a growing sense of loneliness and disconnection. We may be more connected than ever, but are we truly seeing and understanding each other?
但戴维在第 8 章 "失明的流行病 "中指出，技术也助长了日益增长的孤独感和断裂感。我们可能比以往任何时候都更加紧密地联系在一起，但我们是否真正看到并理解了彼此？

This question becomes even more urgent when considering the social and political divisions David highlights.
如果考虑到大卫所强调的社会和政治分歧，这个问题就变得更加紧迫。
The statistics he cites about the rise in depression, suicide, and distrust are alarming, and he makes the case that this social unraveling is fueling our political divides.
他引用的有关抑郁症、自杀和不信任上升的统计数据令人震惊，他提出的理由是，这种社会解体正在助长我们的政治分歧。
His discussion about how politics can become a substitute for genuine connection—leading people to get their satisfaction from yelling at those they disagree with instead of trying to understand them—highlights a trend that worries me a great deal.
他讨论了政治如何成为真正联系的替代品，导致人们从对他们持不同意见的人大喊大叫中获得满足感，而不是努力去理解他们--这凸显了一种让我非常担忧的趋势。

In the book, David connects these social ills to changes in our education system. He argues that schools have shifted away from teaching what he calls “moral and social skills,” and that this has left us ill-equipped to build strong relationships and communities.
在书中，戴维将这些社会弊病与我们教育系统的变化联系起来。他认为，学校已经偏离了他所谓的 "道德和社会技能 "教学，这让我们没有能力建立牢固的关系和社区。
It’s an interesting and timely argument for sure, but I wished it were further built out.
这无疑是一个有趣而及时的论点，但我希望它能得到进一步发展。
I’d be interested in reading more about how David defines this type of teaching, how he measures the changes, and how he thinks education can help reverse some of these troubling social trends. In fact, I think there’s another book waiting to be written here.
我很有兴趣进一步了解戴维是如何定义这种教学方式的，他是如何衡量这些变化的，以及他认为教育是如何帮助扭转这些令人担忧的社会趋势的。事实上，我认为这里还有另一本书等着我们去写。

For the most part, though, what makes David's book so compelling is that it challenges us to put its insights into practice.
不过，戴维的书之所以如此引人入胜，主要是因为它挑战我们将其见解付诸实践。
It's about being intentional in our interactions, whether that means asking more thoughtful questions, fully listening to the answers, or expressing genuine appreciation.
这就需要我们在互动中用心，无论是提出更多深思熟虑的问题、充分倾听答案，还是表达真诚的赞赏。
It's about approaching conversations with generosity and curiosity, looking for ways to connect and understand.
这就是要以慷慨和好奇的态度对待对话，寻找沟通和理解的方式。
And it's about realizing that even small things—like asking the right question at the right time or giving a nice compliment—can make a big difference in building relationships. I’m certain that what I learned from the book will stay with me for a long time.
这本书让我认识到，即使是很小的事情，比如在适当的时候问一个适当的问题，或者给予一个善意的赞美，也能在建立人际关系方面产生很大的影响。我确信，我从这本书中学到的东西将伴随我很长时间。

Overall, I can’t recommend How to Know a Person highly enough. More than a guide to better conversations, it’s a blueprint for a more connected and humane way of living.
总之，我对《如何认识一个人》的推荐不胜感激。它不仅是一本更好地进行对话的指南，也是一个更有联系、更人性化的生活方式的蓝图。
It's a must-read for anyone looking to deepen their relationships and broaden their perspectives—and I believe it has the power to make us better friends, colleagues, and citizens.
对于任何希望加深人际关系、开阔视野的人来说，这是一本必读书--我相信它能让我们成为更好的朋友、同事和公民。