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'Neither,' I said. “都不是,”我说。
'Oh well, there's always more fish in the ...' he faded off as a new idea seemed to strike him. 'I actually know for a fact that Brenda - you remember Brenda from Midsummer Night's Dream, right?'
“哦,好吧,里面总是有更多的鱼......”他渐渐消失了,因为一个新想法似乎击中了他。“我其实知道布伦达——你还记得《仲夏夜之梦》里的 布伦达,对吧?”
I nodded. 我点了点头。
'Well, she told Penny on New Year's Eve that she was still willing to kiss you anytime.'
'Great,' I replied without much enthusiasm.
'And maybe a bit more ...' he added hopefully.
There was a longish pause while I considered the barren wasteland of my love life.
'Hey, and remember to book your room. It's first come first served,' he added.
'Okay,' I replied still trying to shake off the dismal vision of having to resort to young Brenda as my girlfriend, and first ever girl to touch my Russian. I think I'd rather become a monk or a Rastafarian or something.
Rambo and Fatty had already booked the rooms upstairs diagonally opposite Simon's head of house room. Despite Rambo occupying a double room, he made it abundantly clear that should anyone (read me) even think about asking to share with him, he'd kill them (me) slowly with his bare hands. He went on to add that the corpse (mine) would then be incinerated with concentrated lime stolen from the store room at the cricket pavilion.
On the landing halfway up the stairs was another option, although this was a tiny room with barely enough space to stand up straight. Besides, this was Pike's old matric room and is bound to have terrible karma due to his depraved behaviour and disturbing bullying.
Another flight down and under the stairs itself was the room that was most famously home to Gavin, the weird

prefect under the stairs. It's a thoroughly disturbing space and I didn't linger before moving on.
The bog room occupied last year by Meany Dlamini is large and spacious but suffers from three obvious problems:
去年,米尼·德拉米尼(Meany Dlamini)占用的沼泽房间又大又宽敞,但存在三个明显的问题:
  1. Its proximity to the bogs
  2. Its proximity to the urinal
  3. Its proximity to the house phone
That left the prefab double room outside that attached to the rear end of the first years' classroom. I immediately liked the look of the long and narrow room which, although outside the house itself, was close enough not to feel out of the action. Three problems immediately presented themselves:
  1. The proximity of Viking's office window offers the maniac a clear view of the door which could be tricky if I have to unexpectedly bring a buxom blonde back to my room for some late night jiggery.
  2. The room is attached to the first year prep classroom which will make it noisy unless fear is instilled into the new boys the very moment they arrive. Depending on their general sizes, this could be achievable. The flip side, however, is that Eve's counsellor's office is attached to the opposite end of the first year classroom, so with us regularly crossing paths there should be plenty of opportunities to hone my spadework over the coming months.
(If I did take the room, it would probably be worth my while writing down and memorising a number of classic one-liners that I could use in passing conversation with Eve. Nothing too

obvious, but just the kind of stuff that would make me look witty, cool and well worth a shag.)
  1. It's a double room. That could mean I am opening myself up to a possible room mate (Vern, Boggo or Garlic) and definite disaster. Still, there are three decent-ish rooms in the house for the others. After some considerable thought, I decided the double room was a gamble worth taking.
    这是一间双人间。这可能意味着我正在向可能的室友(Vern、Boggo 或 Garlic)敞开心扉,这绝对是一场灾难。尽管如此,房子里还是有三个像样的房间供其他人使用。经过深思熟虑,我决定双人间是一场值得一试的赌博。
I hurriedly made the bed and unpacked enough clothes from my trunk to make the room look taken. I checked the basin taps which, after spluttering out some chocolate water, seemed to rectify themselves and run true. Thereafter I locked the door and pocketed the key with the confidence of a proud new owner.
Spud Milton has staked his claim! At last, a room of my own.
Spud Milton 已经提出了他的主张!终于,有了自己的房间。

Tuesday 19th January 1月19日星期二

07:45 After enjoying a sumptuous breakfast at the prefects' table, Rambo, Fatty and I dawdled across the quad with our coffee in the general direction of Viking's office. Simon was waiting for us at the bench.
07:45 在级长的餐桌上享用了一顿丰盛的早餐后,兰博、法特和我端着咖啡,沿着维京办公室的大方向穿过四边形。西蒙在板凳上等着我们。
'Hey, Simon,' I said cheerfully. 'How was your holiday?' 'Cool,' he replied without much enthusiasm.
'What's this meeting all about?' asked Rambo, looking uninspired.
'Flippin' new boys, what else?' hissed Simon, rolling his eyes.
Viking was as furious as ever although it was impossible to know what he was so livid about. All I could really glean from his introduction was that the new boys were arriving in two hours' time and that he had recently

had a vivid nightmare about one of them attempting to commit suicide on his watch. When Fatty asked our housemaster whether this had been a bad dream or a premonition, Viking refused to elaborate other than to say that the dying boy was naked. A long silence followed before he cleared his throat and moved on to general protocol. After repeated instructions on what to say to the parents of the new boys as they arrived, he scavenged through his filing cabinet and brought out yet more instructions. We were each given a folder and told to familiarise ourselves closely with its contents.
Before having to read out the entire document together in unison, Viking made it clear that during the first years' two week period of grace we were to keep interactions with the new boys to the minimum and that Simon was the only contact point should any of them need help or assistance. It all seemed a little odd but then again Viking isn't exactly the heartland of normal.
Since the document accurately demonstrates my housemaster's (fragile) state of mind, and is perhaps the most ridiculous set of guidelines ever dished out by a high school teacher, I have decided to stick some of its contents into my diary for safekeeping and future proof that I in fact received a scholarship to the monkey asylum rather than to a top private school as previously advertised.
In accordance with a liberal psycho-analytical perspective of adolescent young men (boys) -
Inspired, created and written by:
B.A.(Hons) UED (cum laude) RHODES UNIVERSITY
B.A.(Hons) UED (cum laude) 罗德大学
(c) (Copyright) V.A. RICHARDSON. B.A. (Hons) UED (cum laude) RHODES UNIVERSITY
(c) (版权所有) V.A. RICHARDSON。UED (cum laude) UED (cum laude) 文学士
How to Spot a New Boy is Homesick Crying Usually involving tears/sobbing/red eyes/or boy covering his face with his hands for prolonged periods.
如何发现一个新男孩是想家的哭泣 通常涉及眼泪/抽泣/红眼/或男孩长时间用手捂住脸。
Beware!!! Prolonged periods of crying can lead to depression, loneliness and SUICIDE (see below).
Depression Loosely means permanently sad moods which could result in crying (see above), or loneliness (see below) or a combination of both (see above and below). Loneliness Leads to depression (see above), crying (see above), SUICIDE (below) or a combination thereof (see everywhere).
抑郁症松散地意味着永久悲伤的情绪,可能导致哭泣(见上文)或孤独(见下文)或两者兼而有之(见上文和下文)。寂寞 导致抑郁(见上文)、哭泣(见上文)、自杀(见下文)或两者的组合(见各处)。
Tell-tale signs of SUICIDAL tendencies include impressionable young boys exhibiting some or all of the following behaviours:
  1. Jabbing at their wrists with Swiss army pocket knives, razor blades or sharp nail scissors
  2. Lethal overdose of pills
  3. Leaping naked out of the dormitory window/s
  4. Placing gun in mouth/electric drill in ear etc ...
  5. Self-drownage with backpack of bricks/stones/ gymnasium equipment
Most common reasons for suicide
  • Poor family life (Abuse, divorce, incest)
  • Late development 后期开发
  • Poor financial decisions (Gambling/thievery/fraud victim)
  • Insanity (Due to possible birthing problems/blows to the head/drinking paint or detergent etc ...)
  • Iron deficiency (See sanatorium for assistance)
  • Prolonged constipation (See sanatorium for assistance)
  • Victimisation and bullying (This must be weeded out!)
  • Homosexuality 同性恋
Warning********* 警告*********
Should a boy demonstrate SUICIDAL behaviour in any shape or form he should immediately be subdued by means of wrapping his entire head in a towel or bedspread. His arms and legs should be tied together and, if possible, his body should be attached either to the floor or to an immovable object such as a sturdy wall or bolted to a roofing panel. A particularly effective ploy is to lock the distressed boy inside the boot of a car while professional help is found. On rare occasions a responsible yet solid blow to the back of the head may be necessary. Once the boy has been subdued, make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue, and report directly to your housemaster ...


B.A.(Hons) UED (cum laude) RHODES UNIVERSITY
B.A.(Hons) UED (cum laude) 罗德大学
Meeting the new boys and carrying their trunks to the first year dormitory thankfully went off without a hitch. Although nervous, none of them seemed suicidal. They seemed quite an unassuming bunch apart from the black boy, Ntoko, who was extremely confident on arrival.
While head of house Simon was forced to attend The Glock's laborious speech about discipline in the theatre,
Reverend Bishop's sprawling feel-the-spirit sermon in the chapel, and an awkward buffet lunch in the quad with the parents and new boys, Fatty, Rambo and I spent the afternoon drinking tea, eating toast with honey, and discussing the finer points of seduction. Despite it being close to thirty degrees outside Rambo poured an entire steel bucket of coal into the fireplace and soon had a raging furnace under way. He took off his shirt and sat before the smouldering coals smoking his cigarettes and tracing the lines of his biceps and triceps with a piece of coal while we continued our discussion.
In the knowledge that the rest of the Crazy Eight would be arriving shortly, I locked my room and stashed the key in my pocket. Boggo has a long history of thievery, blackmail and forced removals.
17:35 Garth Garlic was the first of the rest of the Crazy Eight to arrive. We heard his excited shouting about Malawi from the passage outside the prefects' room.
17:35 Garth Garlic 是 Crazy Eight 中第一个到达的人。我们听到他兴奋地从省长房间外的通道里喊着马拉维。
'Rowdy!' he hollered. 'Where's the rest of the Crazy Eight?' We didn't hear Rowdy respond but he must have because Garlic immediately began banging on the door of the cop shop and shouting, 'Hey, guys! Fatty? Spud? You guys in there?
Nobody replied. The handle twisted and the prefects' room door flew open. The pink and incredulous face of Garth Garlic appeared.
没有人回答。把手一扭,省长室的门飞开了。Garth Garlic的粉红色和难以置信的脸出现了。
'There you all are!' he cried with delight like we had been involved in a game of good natured hide and seek.
'We're in the middle of a prefects' meeting, Garlic,' said Rambo sharply while exhaling a large cloud of cigarette smoke into the fire and up the chimney.
'Cool,' replied Garlic with an expectant grin like somebody was on the verge of cracking a rip-snorting joke. He closed the door and made his way to the empty armchair to my left. 'So how was your holiday, guys?' There was a long pause before Garlic continued. 'Mine

was a top tenner, maybe even a top fiver!'
'Good,' muttered Rambo. 'Now sod off before I roast your face in the fire and eat it.'
Rambo sprang to his feet and made a lunging bid to catch the Malawian but Garlic, who is fast developing a reputation for narrowly escaping imminent pain and humiliation, evaded Rambo's outstretched hand, leapt over the armchair in which he had been sitting, and bolted from the prefects' room, his eyes wide with terror and his skin glowing pink.
'I swear to God,' growled Rambo once the dust had settled, 'one day I'm going to roast a piece of Garlic and taste it. No bullshit. I reckon he'll be absolutely delicious.' I didn't quite know how to respond to Rambo's cannibalism so I nodded in agreement as if eating a piece of Garth Garlic was normal if not downright sensible.
Boggo arrived when we were all at dinner. After carefully examining the available room options, he selected the bog room for its size and the fact that it sulted his nickname. He said that he would rather contract cholera from the urinal than have to share with me and sleep with a cork up his bum for an entire year.
Garlic selected the tiny room on the landing which meant that whether he liked it or not, Rain Man would sleep in the room under the stairs.
Vern arrived at and immediately began to cause trouble. Firstly, he kept banging on Boggo's door and shouting, 'Oi!' The maniac seemed furious that Boggo wasn't allowing him in and was hell bent on evicting him. But Boggo was resolute as always and refused to open the door even when Viking came knocking to welcome him back to school. Then some donkey fart suggested that Vern should share the outside room
Vern赶到 并立即开始制造麻烦。首先,他不停地敲着博戈的门,大喊:“哎呀!这个疯子似乎对博戈不让他进来感到愤怒,并一心想驱逐他。但博戈一如既往地坚决,即使维京人来敲门欢迎他回到学校,他也拒绝开门。然后一些驴屁建议 Vern 应该分享外面的房间

with me. Luckily, I beat the nutcase in the race for the door and locked him out. I sat triumphantly at my desk listening to Vern's banging and shouting outside, confident that if I stuck to my guns like Boggo I would eventually see the idiot off. Thankfully, Viking didn't take kindly to the terrible racket going on outside his office window and ordered the Rain Man to cease his terrible din and occupy the room under the stairs.
和我在一起。幸运的是,我在争夺门的比赛中击败了那个疯子,把他锁在了门外。我得意洋洋地坐在办公桌前,听着弗恩在外面的敲打声和喊叫声,我确信,如果我像博戈一样坚持我的枪,我最终会把这个白痴送走。 值得庆幸的是,维京对他办公室窗外发生的可怕球拍并不友好,并命令雨人停止他可怕的喧嚣并占领楼梯下的房间。
Vern's fate was sealed and within minutes Viking (with the help of Simon, JR Ewing, Thinny, Runt and myself) managed to force him into his room.
Vern的命运已经注定,几分钟之内,Viking(在Simon,JR Ewing,Thinny,Runt和我的帮助下)设法将他强行带入他的房间。
Strangely, once the cretin was in, he never once tried to come out again.

Wednesday 20th January 1月20日星期三

06:30 I called the morning roll call at a good lick, giving dissenters and wise guys no chance to undermine my first official duty as a prefect with lame jibes and idiotic sideshows. I even issued a stern rebuking of Darryl (the last remaining) for looking an absolute shambles and threw a nasty glare at Plump Graham for being forty seconds late. The first years seemed genuinely afraid of me which was heartening to see. It must be added that they do look pretty much terrified of everything right now so I probably shouldn't take too much masculine credit at this stage.
06:30 我好好地叫了早上的点名,不给持不同政见者和聪明人任何机会用蹩脚的笑话和愚蠢的杂耍来破坏我作为省长的第一个正式职责。我甚至严厉斥责了达里尔(最后剩下的一个),因为他看起来一团糟,并狠狠地瞪了胖格雷厄姆一眼,因为他迟到了四十秒。最初几年似乎真的很害怕我,这令人振奋。必须补充的是,他们现在看起来确实对一切感到恐惧,所以在这个阶段我可能不应该接受太多的男性荣誉。
Vern wasn't at roll call and didn't open his door when I knocked. Considering Rain Man's oddball behaviour last night, I thought it wise to inform Simon in case Vern had run away or done something disturbing.
Simon rapped sharply on Vern's door but there was no reply. I spied through the keyhole and found myself locked onto Vern's demented eyeball which was peering through the other end.
'Vern,' I said in a kindly voice, 'I just wanted to check

that you were all right.'
There was no reply other than the sound of Rain Man muttering to himself and pushing his desk against the door.
'Guick, attack!' shouted Simon. He shoulder charged the door and managed to prise it open before Vern had his barricade in place. Vern tried his best to keep the door closed but the collective muscle of myself, Simon and Sidewinder, who was wandering past clad only in a yellow towel, was enough to heave the door open and reveal a wild looking Rain Man dressed in khaki.
'Grab him!' ordered Simon and lunged for Vern's arm. Despite there being nowhere to hide in his spooky little room, Vern nevertheless made a valiant attempt to escape by diving head first into the wall. The bang to the head settled him down and we were able to escort him out of his room, down the passage and into the bright sunshine of the main quad.
'Come, Vern, it's time for breakfast,' I called as normally as possible.
The cretin grinned and followed me rather unsteadily to the dining hall for a breakfast of scrambled egg and sausages which he drenched in tomato sauce and wolfed down without using any of his cutlery.


Simon, Rambo, Fatty and I led the new boys off for an introductory tour of the school to the sound of loud and obvious sniggering from a tea-drinking Boggo Greenstein on the house bench. Simon led the tour which meant that Rambo and I dawdled at the back, with Fatty falling further behind before calling it quits at the squash courts.
西蒙、兰博、法特和我带领新来的男孩们参观了学校,听着长椅上喝茶的博戈·格林斯坦(Boggo Greenstein)发出的响亮而明显的嘲笑声。西蒙领衔了巡回赛,这意味着兰博和我在后面徘徊,法蒂在壁球场宣布退出之前进一步落后。
Viking called us in for our second prefects' meeting of the day and was relieved to hear that none of the new boys had plunged to their deaths on the school tour. His big announcement was that Eggwhite, last year's mostly ineffectual house prefect returning for post matric, would be back on Friday and that we would have to cover his duties this week. He handed us further lists and instruction documents before sending us on our way with a curt nod.
维京叫我们参加当天的第二次级长会议,听到没有一个新来的男孩在学校巡回演出中坠落身亡,他松了一口气。他的重大宣布是,去年几乎无效的学院级长 Eggwhite 将于周五回归,我们本周将不得不履行他的职责。他递给我们更多的清单和说明文件,然后点点头送我们上路。
Back in the prefects' room, which we have taken to calling the cop shop, we bemoaned our lot over milky tea and cheese sandwiches. Rambo even reckoned that he was thinking of packing it in if Viking didn't stop with his endless meetings about naked boys committing suicide. I returned to my room to ready myself for tomorrow's lessons and glanced through the variety of textbooks filled with reams of knowledge and information that I will have to devour, digest and regurgitate in November. I wonder if my brain will have the capacity to take it all in? My matric maths textbook looks particularly nasty with its small unemotional writing and vomit yellow cover. At least I have the space and serenity of my own room to make a decent stab at it.
I bumped into Eve on the way to dinner and I would be denying the truth if I didn't say that she looked absolutely ravishing in her knee length skirt and high heels. We spoke about Roger the cat's banishment to Sparerib's brother's farm near Komga due to his endless spraying and destructive behaviour around the house over the holidays. She reckons he ripped up all their lounge cushions during Christmas and extensively soiled Sparerib's thermal underwear drawer while they were at The Glock's New Year's Eve party. I nodded sympathetically about the situation and stole a glance at her cleavage as she leant forward to adjust
我在去吃晚饭的路上碰到了夏娃,如果我不说她穿着及膝裙和高跟鞋看起来绝对令人陶醉,我就否认了事实。我们谈到了猫罗杰被放逐到斯帕雷里布兄弟在科姆加附近的农场,因为他在假期里在房子周围无休止地喷洒和破坏性行为。她估计他在圣诞节期间撕毁了他们所有的躺椅垫子,并在格洛克的新年前夜派对上严重弄脏了 Sparerib 的保暖内衣抽屉。我同情地点了点头,偷偷瞥了一眼她的,她身体前倾调整

her left heel. Eve seemed rather concerned about the way Vern had taken the news about Roger no longer being at the school and asked me if he was behaving unusually. 'Vern always behaves unusually,' I replied, making her laugh and then briefly ruffle my hair. We must have chatted against the wall of the passage for at least fifteen minutes about Roger and Vern and I sensed a growing ease in each other's company. Overall, it was an excellent conversation and Eve smelled terrific.
21:30 My first lights out duty went rather smoothly, all things considered. The first years even called me sir. I was careful not to open up any meaningful conversations but a small boy with ginger hair and the unfortunate name of Michael Wiggle asked me with a deeply troubled expression on his face if Vern was insane.
21:30 考虑到所有因素,我的第一次熄灯任务进行得相当顺利。最初几年甚至叫我先生。我小心翼翼地不展开任何有意义的对话,但是一个有着姜黄色头发的小男孩,他的名字叫迈克尔·威格尔(Michael Wiggle),他脸上带着深深的不安表情问我,弗恩是不是疯了。
'Definitely,' I replied and switched out the lights.
The second year dormitory was a little livelier than the first but the Fragile Five immediately obeyed when I ordered them to their beds.
'Hey, John, can I ask you a question?' asked Plump Graham, as he tried to squeeze himself into an extremely tight pair of white long-johns. 'Why is Alan Greenstein charging a toll on the urinal?'
“嘿,约翰,我能问你一个问题吗?”丰满的格雷厄姆问道,他试图把自己挤进一双非常紧的白色长裤里。“为什么艾伦·格林斯坦(Alan Greenstein)要对小便池收取通行费?”
The Fragile Five were adamant that Boggo had charged both Runt and Sidewinder R1.50 each to use the piss trough. I promised the worried second years that I'd look into the problem.
(Surely it's only a question of time until people begin whispering about the relative sizes of Plump Graham and Fatty, considering Graham's vast expansion and what Boggo is now calling Fatty's 'anorexia-paedophilia'.)
(当然,人们开始窃窃私语 Plump Graham 和 Fatty 的相对大小只是时间问题,考虑到 Graham 的大规模扩张以及 Boggo 现在所说的 Fatty 的“厌食症-恋童癖”。
I was mildly dreading the Normal Seven dorm as they were most likely to pull something on me or challenge my authority. As it turned out my fears were unfounded

and even the likes of Spike and JR Ewing were polite and obedient when I called them to order. If I didn't know better I'd say they were up to something.
'Where's Runt?' I asked after discovering his empty bed.
Barryl stepped forward and in an exceedingly deep voice replied, 'He's helping Rambo and Viking push Vern back in his room.' I headed downstairs to where Viking was shouting and Vern was shrieking and clawing at people's faces because he didn't want to go back into his room again.

Thursday 21st January 1月21日星期四

School began properly today and it was the usual grind of boredom that passes for higher education in this place. Handed out were piles of papers detailing various syllabuses, approaching large projects, and dire threats of what cocking up matric will do to the rest of your life. There wasn't even any comic relief because The Guv hasn't returned to school. Boggo said he overheard Mr Cartwright telling Norm (I don't believe in spinners) Wade that The Guv was in hospital for an operation.
今天开学了,在这个地方接受高等教育是通常的无聊。分发的是一堆文件,详细说明了各种教学大纲,接近大型项目,以及关于翘起预科将对你的余生产生什么影响的可怕威胁。甚至没有任何喜剧效果,因为 The Guv 还没有回到学校。博戈说,他无意中听到卡特赖特先生告诉诺姆(我不相信旋转器)韦德,古夫正在医院接受手术。
I ran down to The Guv's house after lunch but the place looked deserted and nobody answered when I knocked and yelled. I should have called him in the holidays, if only to say Merry Christmas and to check on how he was doing. Hopefully, it's nothing serious and only the gout in his drinking arm playing up again.
19:30 During prep I took a stroll across to Boggo's room to have a little chat about the increasing complaints that I have received concerning his toll charge at the urinal. Boggo reluctantly let me into his bog room which is plastered wall to wall with pictures of beautiful naked women striking sexy poses, mostly
19:30 在准备期间,我漫步到Boggo的房间,聊了一会儿我收到的关于他在小便池收费的投诉。博戈不情愿地让我进入他的沼泽房间,房间里贴满了美丽的裸体女人摆出性感姿势的照片,大部分都是

under waterfalls. I decided to confront Boggo directly about his controversial new way of raising capital and, unsurprisingly, he pretended to be utterly shocked and outraged, saying that 'people with agendas' were already spreading malicious rumours about him.
Boggo flopped down on his bed and appeared to be thoroughly disgusted with life. I allowed some time to pass before saying, 'I have three boys willing to testify that they saw you charging Runt R1.50 for taking a piss.'
博戈瘫倒在床上,似乎对生活感到彻底厌恶。我过了一会儿才说,'我有三个男孩愿意作证,他们看到你因为小便而向 Runt R1.50 收费。
Boggo's eyes narrowed and his look of disgust was instantly replaced by one of raging defiance.
'Well, obviously I charged Runt, but then who wouldn't? He's the weirdest little creep south of the North Pole.
'Still,' I said in my most reasonable voice, 'you can't charge a guy for having a piss. It's completely dictatorial and borderline insane.'
'They do it in Europe,' retorted Boggo with a broad smirk like he had gone some way towards winning the argument.
'What do they do in Europe?' echoed a surprisingly loud but mumbled voice from the doorway. We turned to see Garlic standing there in his crimson dressing gown with a buzzing electric toothbrush in his mouth.
'Shag animals,' replied Boggo, looking deeply displeased with life once more.
Garlic was astonished by this revelation about Europeans but thankfully couldn't ask any more questions because his mouth was too full of toothpaste. He raced off to the basins to spit and Boggo took the opportunity to slam and lock his bedroom door.
'You see, that's the fundamental problem with life, Milton,' he said. 'Too many lurkers.' Boggo looked wistful as his eyes took in a large poster of a shapely brunette with a python sliding through her naked cleavage.
'If it's not Garlic with his questions or Vern with his screaming and banging, then it's Runt peeping into my room and lingering around with suggestive intent.'
'But you can't blacklist boys from using the bogs just because they're lurkers,' I argued.
'On the contrary, they are completely and utterly free to use the bogs for no payment whatsoever,' stated Boggo with his open arms demonstrating his generosity. 'It's just the urinal that falls under my jurisdiction.'
I found myself nodding absent-mindedly as I took in the splendour of a poster of a feisty old granny in leather riding a Harley Davidson. Underneath it was written:


There was an excited knock on the door.
'Piss off, Garlic!' shouted Boggo immediately. He hurled a hockey boot which missed the door by some distance and clattered into his bookshelf instead, sending half a shelf of pornography and both of his primary school hockey trophies crashing to the floor. Boggo appeared not to notice his blunder as his focus remained on the door where Garlic was attempting to jimmy the handle with his electric toothbrush. When that failed, the Malawian commenced pounding on the door and shouting questions at Boggo about the Europeans as the shrill ringing of the telephone sounded from the room next door.
'You see what I have to put up with down here, Spud, my oath to God it's sheer hell.'
I had to concede that things were a little chaotic when most of the Normal Seven struck up a lewd war cry outside and the house began ringing once again.
'Chaotic!' snorted Boggo. 'Oh, I'd settle for chaotic all right, this is worse than a frikkin' Bombay fish market.
My oath to God it's chronic. Could easily cost me ten per cent in my exams.'
'Okay, I can understand Vern, Garlic and Runt getting blacklisted from the urinal,' I reasoned, attempting to return to the original purpose of my mission, 'but why Sidewinder?
'Hygiene, pure and simple,' replied Boggo like the matter was out of his hands and beyond his control.
'Hygiene?' I repeated, wondering where he might be leading me with this new line of thinking.
'Well, do the trigonometry, Milton,' he said. 'The dude's dongle points due west, if you get my drift.' Boggo used a long bony finger to demonstrate the left leaning nature of Sidewinder's sidewinder. 'So unless he faces the window at right angles to the urinal when firing off, then he's definitely going to spray on the wall or the step and contribute dramatically to the aroma problem which I'm sure you've picked up around here.'
Boggo sauntered over to his cupboard and gave his armpits two short blasts of deodorant each before continuing. 'Nothing personal against Sidewinder but, let's face it, the guy could cause mass devastation on a full tank with a morning glory.'
Once again I found myself nọdding away in agreement as the sly Boggo defused my questions with his typical cunning and warped logic. With a friendly pat on the back I found myself out at the urinal and the door of Boggo's room snapped shut behind me.
'Which animals do they shag, Spud?' blurted Garlic with eyes filled with wonder and desperation. 'Please tell me.'
'What?' I asked in confusion.
'The Europeans!' trumpeted Garlic.
'Giraffes,' I replied, and made a break for it, leaving the sound of hysterical laughter from the Malawian echoing around the bogs.

Friday 22nd January 1月22日星期五

06:10 Just awoke from a sublime dream involving Eve and a taller version of myself enjoying a romantic picnic with champagne and fine cheeses in a grassy vale beside a lake. Unfortunately, nothing physical happened but it was obvious in the way that Eve ate her cherries that she was being deliberately flirty. I had less than five hours of sleep but felt my most rested in years.
06:10 刚从一场崇高的梦中醒来,夏娃和一个高个子的自己在湖边的草地上享受着浪漫的野餐,喝着香槟和精美的奶酪。不幸的是,没有发生任何身体上的事情,但从夏娃吃樱桃的方式中可以明显看出她是故意调情的。我只睡了不到五个小时,但感觉自己多年来休息得最多。
Inspired by my vivid dream, I pretended to be making a full and lengthy inspection of the first year prep classroom after breakfast but despite Eve's office door being wide open, I didn't so much as lay eyes on her. No doubt Sparerib has bailed her up at home with boring conversations and unnecessary demands to iron his underpants.
受到我生动的梦境的启发,我假装在早餐后对一年级预科教室进行全面而漫长的检查,但尽管伊芙的办公室门敞开着,我并没有看她一眼。毫无疑问,Sparerib 在家里用无聊的谈话和不必要的要求熨烫他的内裤来保释她。
08:20 The Guv still hasn't returned. Rumours of his operation it seems are true. Reverend Bishop refused to say what was wrong with him but made it sound like it wasn't all that serious. Not sure why everybody is being so evasive when talking about The Guv?
08:20 古夫仍然没有回来。关于他手术的谣言似乎是真的。毕晓普牧师拒绝说他出了什么问题,但听起来好像没有那么严重。不知道为什么每个人在谈论 The Guv 时都如此回避?
11:00 The announcement of the trial cricket teams usually indicates what side you'll make for the coming year and the jostling crowd around the notice board meant that the moment of truth had finally arrived. The whole thing is a diabolical lottery and what with the sudden and unexplained disappearance of The Guv who was meant to coach the 1sts, one would presume that goblin man chose the teams instead. I sensed that my karma was definitely bad with Sparerib after dreaming about romping his wife for three nights in succession. The unhealthy energy in the air reminded me of last year's fiasco when spinner prejudice sentenced me to three weeks of vermin cricket with the likes of Garlic and Vern. Understandably, I approached the notice
11:00 板球队的公告通常表明你将在来年站在哪一边,布告栏周围的人群意味着关键时刻终于到来了。整件事是一场恶魔般的彩票,随着本来打算执教 1 队的 Guv 突然和莫名其妙的消失,人们会认为是妖精人选择了球队。我感觉到我的业力对 Sparerib 来说肯定是坏的,因为我梦见连续三个晚上和妻子嬉戏。空气中不健康的能量让我想起了去年的惨败,当时旋转者的偏见判我与大蒜和弗恩等人一起进行为期三周的害虫板球比赛。可以理解的是,我走近了通知

board with some hesitancy and began with the 5 ths/6ths trial match and moved upwards without breathing. My name wasn't down in the 3rds/4ths trial match either. Eventually, I could bear the agony no longer and allowed my eyes to scan down the first team for Saturday's trial. And there it was Milton, down to bat at number 8.
有些犹豫,从第 5/6 次试赛开始,没有呼吸就向上移动。我的名字也没有在第 3/4 场选拔赛中倒下。最终,我再也无法忍受这种痛苦,让我的眼睛扫视着周六审判的一线队。然后是 米尔顿,在8号位击球。
I refused to allow myself any emotion until I was back in the safety of my room where I celebrated uncontrollably in fluent gibberish.
Dare I say it and curse myself? For the first time in my life I feel like I'm on a bit of a roll.
18:00 Boggo talked the Crazy Eight into signing up for the senior social at St Mary's Convent next Friday night. I initially gave it the thumbs down but since momentum is on my side I thought it could be a strategically clever move, and besides Boggo reckons convent girls are notoriously filthy between the sheets.
18:00 博戈说服疯狂八人组报名参加下周五晚上在圣玛丽修道院举行的高级社交活动。我最初对它竖起了大拇指,但由于势头在我这边,我认为这可能是一个战略上聪明的举动,此外,博戈认为修道院的女孩在床单之间是出了名的肮脏。
20:30 Rumours of a midnight Fragile Five nightswim have been circulating. Fatty and Rambo have elected to keep guard and attempt to catch them in the act.
20:30 关于午夜脆弱五夜泳的谣言一直在流传。胖子和兰博选择保持警惕,并试图抓住他们。

Saturday 23rd January 1月23日星期六

05:45 Fatty shook me awake and hauled me out of bed because he said major shit was about to hit the fan. Over a cup of tea and a buttermilk rusk he excitedly filled me in on the dramatic events of last night.
05:45 胖子把我摇醒,把我从床上拖起来,因为他说大屎要撞到风扇了。他一边喝着茶,一边喝着酪乳面包干,兴奋地向我讲述了昨晚发生的戏剧性事件。
The Fragile Five's (FF) nightswimming effort, which appears to have been planned by Plump Graham and Meg Ryan's Son, deteriorated rather dramatically upon return from the dam. The FF discovered the chapel window, through which they had just escaped,
脆弱五人组(FF)的夜泳活动似乎是由Plump Graham和Meg Ryan的儿子策划的,在从大坝返回后,情况急剧恶化。FF发现了教堂的窗户,他们刚刚逃脱了,

was locked from the outside by means of Rambo's unbreakable Japanese combination lock. True to form the FF panicked and galloped down the gallery stairwell only to find all the lower doors bolted from the outside. In desperation, the second years sprinted back up the stairs and into the bell tower where they chanced upon a large figure shrouded in a white sheet (Fatty) who had been instructed by Rambo to make like Macarthur on the bell ringer's platform. The took one look at the enormous apparition looming over them, screamed like a bunch of small girls, and fled. Poor Rowdy exploded into hysterical sobs as they careened back down the steps to the gallery and had another yank at the chapel window which stubbornly refused to budge thanks to Rambo and the Japanese.
被兰博牢不可破的日本密码锁从外面锁住。不出所料,FF惊慌失措地沿着走廊楼梯间疾驰而下,却发现所有较低的门都从外面用螺栓固定。在绝望中,二年级学生冲上楼梯,进入钟楼,在那里他们偶然遇到了一个裹着白床单的大人物(胖子),兰博指示他在敲钟人的平台上像麦克阿瑟一样。他们 看了一眼笼罩在他们身上的巨大幽灵,像一群小女孩一样尖叫着,然后逃跑了。可怜的罗迪歇斯底里地抽泣起来,他们小心翼翼地走下台阶回到画廊,又在教堂的窗户上猛拉了一下,由于兰博和日本人,窗户顽固地拒绝让步。
Then Rambo fired up his reign of supernatural terror. It began with playing one long and creepy note on the organ and ended with him screaming, 'I'm gonna eat you!' and leaping off the pulpit with his arms outstretched onto a huge pile of cushions set out below. The overall effect of Reverend Bishop's ceremonial robes was that Rambo apparently looked like some terrible flying Satanic creature. The shattered gave up on escape and spent the rest of the night huddled together for safety in the gallery of the chapel.
然后兰博开始了他的超自然恐怖统治。它从在管风琴上弹奏一个长而令人毛骨悚然的音符开始,最后他尖叫着,“我要吃掉你!”然后从讲台上跳下来,伸出双臂,跳到下面摆放的一大堆垫子上。毕晓普牧师的礼仪长袍的整体效果是,兰博显然看起来像某种可怕的飞行撒旦生物。破碎的人 放弃了逃跑,在教堂的走廊里度过了剩下的一夜,以求安全。
06:00 A straight-faced Simon phoned Viking and alerted him to the fact that all of the second years had gone missing in the night. Our housemaster arrived at 6:07 half-dressed and already in an immense rage. He immediately sent the prefects out on a search of the house and surrounds for the missing boys. With utter fury he shouted, 'By fuckery, if these little shit-stirrers are found to be bunking out I'll meat cleaver them to death!
06:00 一脸正气的西蒙打电话给维京,提醒他所有二年级的学生都在夜里失踪了。我们的管家在 6 点 07 分到达,穿着半身不遂,已经非常愤怒。他立即派省长出去搜查房子和周围,寻找失踪的男孩。他大怒地喊道:“该死的,如果发现这些小搅屎器在外面捣乱,我就把他们切肉致死!
It didn't take long for Rambo to make the 'discovery' and Viking was led to where a pile of sleeping bodies lay huddled together in the chapel gallery.
'What in God's name is the meaning of all this?' he roared after galloping up the steps.
'We weren't bunking out, sir,' said Plump Graham in a quivery voice. 'We just wanted to make sure that we were early for chapel, sir.'
Three major problems with this feeble-minded excuse immediately presented themselves:
  1. Nobody arrives early for chapel
  2. There are no chapel services on Saturdays
  3. Two of the Fragile Five were dressed in speedos and the others only in their underpants
17:00 My winning momentum has stalled. I made a duck in our batting innings in the trial match against the 2nds, although it must be said that Yobbo Skelton took a blinding catch in the gully to see me marching back to the pavilion without troubling the scorers. Even worse, I didn't even have a chance to bowl because as I was measuring my run-up for my first over, a cloud burst and within ten minutes the field was waterlogged. Sparerib made us hang around for an hour and a half of watching the rain fall before he finally called the game off. Will I still be in the 1st team when the side is announced on Friday? That will be the true test of whether momentum is still going my way or if the worm of happiness has turned south and sour.
17:00 我的获胜势头停滞不前。在对阵第二棒的试赛中,我在击球局中打了一只鸭子,尽管必须说,Yobbo Skelton 在沟壑中接住了一个令人眼花缭乱的接球,看到我在没有打扰记分员的情况下走回展馆。更糟糕的是,我甚至没有机会打保龄球,因为当我测量我的第一个回合的助跑时,一团乌云爆裂,不到十分钟,场地就被淹了。Sparerib让我们徘徊了一个半小时,看着他下雨,然后他终于叫停了比赛。周五宣布球队名单时,我还会在第一队吗?这将是真正的考验,看看势头是否仍在朝着我的方向发展,或者幸福的蠕虫是否已经向南变坏了。
20:00 I opted against watching the house movie (Dangerous Liaisons) despite it starring the beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer and the disturbing John Malkovich. I'm very'close to finishing Bonfire of the Vanities so I made for the cop shop hoping to find a quiet spot on
20:00 我选择不看家庭电影(危险的联络人),尽管它由美丽的米歇尔·菲佛和令人不安的约翰·马尔科维奇主演。我非常接近完成虚荣的篝火,所以我去了警察商店,希望找到一个安静的地方

a comfy armchair to read. Instead I found Fatty eating a chip bunny and Rambo smoking at the fire grate. It appeared as if they were having a debate about the fate of the Fragile Five.
'Spuddy, you're never going to guess what happened,' gabbled Fatty excitedly.
“Spuddy,你永远猜不到发生了什么,”Fat 兴奋地咕哝着。
'Viking wants to lash them eighteen strokes each,' interrupted Rambo on a smoky exhale before chortling to himself and taking another deep drag. I wasn't really sure if beating somebody eighteen strokes was even legal, let alone good form.
"Viking scoured the school rules this afternoon and found nothing limiting the number of strokes a boy may be caned,' added Fatty as he licked his fingers and mopped up the remaining crumbs on his plate.
According to the residents of the cop shop, Viking has accused the Fragile Five of a multitude of crimes, including truancy, nightswimming, deviancy, vandalism, bunking-out, bunking-in, crass deception, blasphemy, soiling hymnbooks, and being underdressed in the chapel within thirty hours of the commencement of a service. This all added up to eighteen strokes each to be dished out at 20:00 tomorrow evening in Viking's office.
'One of them could definitely die,' said Rambo, looking rather pleased about developments.
'Eighteen strokes is pushing the line of barbarism even by apartheid standards,' cautioned Fatty.
'Perhaps one of them will commit suicide,' ventured Rambo in a low voice. 'Now that would be deeply ironic.' I left Fatty and Rambo to their disturbing conversations about death and headed to my room with a cup of tea. There's nothing quite like the feeling of drawing close to the end of a great book and Bonfire of the Vanities was screaming for attention.
Despite not having any pictures or posters up yet, I really do like the feeling of being alone in my long skinny

room. School is far more enjoyable when you have the right place to hide from it.

Sunday 24th January 1月24日星期日

How fantastic to be in matric and finally shot of the laborious institution of free bounds. I always wondered if sending the majority of the school off the premises on a Sunday afternoon ever did any good. Now I see that it most definitely does. Matrics, post matrics and staff get to have the run of the place and for three short hours the school is a place you would never want to leave.
After seeing all the boys off from the house bench, Rambo and Boggo took on Fatty and me in a three-set marathon tennis match. Rambo continued his one man rebellion against the school rules despite being a prefect. His large juice bottle was filled with strong vodka, ice and Oros, which he forced us to taste before knocking up. We lost in the third set tie-breaker when Boggo's relentless goading of Fatty's anorexia-paedophilia finally took its toll as my partner lost his temper and smashed a forehand into the net and the next over the back fence. He then served two double faults to end the match and shouted, 'Shot a lot, Boggo, for screwing up a great tennis match!' and stormed back to the house without shaking anyone's hand.
Weirdly, Rambo's tennis improved with every cup of 'jungle juice' he drank, although his voice was slurring terribly when he called out the score in the final set.

17:00 Roll Call 17:00 点名

I knew something was wrong the moment I noticed Plump Graham's expression.
当我注意到 Plump Graham 的表情时,我就知道有些不对劲。
'Where are Rowdy and Stutterheim?' I repeated, this

time in a far sterner voice. Whispering and murmurs of interest flared up among the other boys, so I ordered the three remaining members of the Fragile Five to see me afterwards in the cop shop and continued with the roll call.
As expected, the three offered very little information about the whereabouts of the missing boys other than to say that Stutterheim and Rowdy were last seen sitting together at breakfast. I ordered a house search which turned up nothing. I went through their possessions and by the looks of things some clothes, toiletries and bags were missing from both their lockers. Simon wasn't in his room and Rambo had passed out after too much jungle juice and tennis. Instead I took matters into my own hands and marched down to the phone room where I kicked Meg Ryan's Son off a call and dialled up Viking's internal extension.
'Yes!' barked the voice of my housemaster.
'Sir, it's Milton,' I said.
'What's going on, Milton?' he replied with terrible dread lining his voice.
'Sir, I think Rowdy and Stutterheim might have run away.'
'Fantastic, just fantasticl' he roared with hideous sarcasm. 'Milton!' he barked. 'Meet me outside my office in three minutes and bring along anybody who can shed light on the matter, or anybody else who needs to be interrogated or beaten!
I roped in the remaining members of the Fragile Five and headed downstairs to wait for the housemaster. A haggard looking Plump Graham, Sidewinder and Meg Ryan's Son followed me out the house door, ignoring the commotion under the stairs where a large crowd of boys were carrying Vern head first into his room. Outside the light was fading.
Viking arrived in a billowing white Hawatian shirt open to the stomach, blue tracksuit pants, and brown ethnic sandals. He was nowhere near as furious as expected, although this proved to be only a temporary lapse as he blew his top when I summoned the remaining Fragile Fivers into his office.
'You bastards again!' he roared and stood up violently. He pointed aggressively at Plump Graham and boomed, 'When I'm done with you lot, you will know the true meaning of suffering!' The tirade continued for at least five minutes as the Fragile Five wilted under the firestorm of Viking's wrath once more. After the shittingon ended with several vile and imaginative threats in quick succession, Viking composed himself and in an acid voice said, 'Now I hope you lot have some news about the disappearance of Rowdy and the other boy?'
Meg Ryan's Son admitted that besides seeing the missing boys at breakfast they had nothing further to report. Viking blew his top again and gassed all over the remaining members of the Fragile Five with incredible force and from a dizzying height. After threatening them with prolonged torture, he upped their nightswimming punishment from eighteen to twenty strokes for wasting his time on a Sunday and kicked them out of his office. I felt a little bad about being responsible but reasoned that after eighteen strokes from Viking, a further two would make little difference.
Thankfully, Simon became involved after spending four hours hitting cricket balls from a bowling machine in the nets. After hearing my story he said he would take it from here and disappeared into Viking's office for further meetings.

  1. 19:00 With Simon in Viking's office, Rambo man down with a hangover, and Fatty on a marathon call to Penny,
    19:00 西蒙在维京的办公室里,兰博因宿醉而倒下,胖子给佩妮打了一场马拉松电话,