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I finally found some tranquillity to finish off Bonfire of the Vantties. I fell well short last night when a sudden dreamless sleep overcame me. I made a cup of tea in the annexe and returned to the deserted cop shop where I reclined on the couch with the book in my lap.
Unfortunately, my tranquillity only lasted long enough to read three quarters of a page, before there was a timid yet relentless knocking on the door.
'What?' I shouted, attempting to sound ferocious and unapproachable.
I immediately regretted not staying silent when the glowing face of Garlic poked around the door.
'Spud, you're in herel' he announced. 'I thought you would be out looking for Rowdy Stutterheim?'
'Rowdy and Stutterheim,' I corrected.
'You mind if I pull in and hang snake?' asked Garlic in an obscenely loud and pleading fashion.
I found myself in a terrible predicament. All I wanted was to be alone to read in the cop shop with my cup of tea and, to be honest, having lame chats with the Malawian about Rowdy and Stutterheim made me want to abandon everything and retire to my room.
'The cop shop is only meant for prefects,' I ventured boldly, hoping that Garlic would take the hint and press on. He didn't.
'Simon and Rambo said that a matric could come in if he had permission from a prefect,' retorted Garlic. 'Oh really?' I replied.
'Hey, you're a prefect, Spud! That means technically you could invite me in.'
'I suppose technically I could,' I replied, desperately attempting to think of an excuse that could fend Garlic off.
'Please could I come in, Spud?' he begged in a pitiful voice. 'I don't mind even sitting on the carpet.'
It was impossible to refuse and Garlic was hugely delighted finally to be allowed official entrance into the cop shop.
'Please feel free to carry on reading,' he said, graciously indicating my book.
The Malawian seated himself on the armchair closest to the door and reclined with a contented sigh. I returned to Vanities and scanned the page for the place where I abruptly left off. Just as I'd found it Garlic said, 'So I heard the Fragile Five beatings have been postponed?'
I nodded and said, 'Yip.'
There was a silence so I returned to the book despite the fact that Garlic was watching me closely.
'Good book, hey, Spud?' he asked.
'Excellent,' I replied. “太好了,”我回答。
'What page you on?' he asked with great interest.
'472,' I replied. “472,”我回答。
Garlic nodded as if hugely impressed and there was another pause. This time I didn't attempt to read because I sensed that the next inane question wasn't too far off. It wasn't.
'So how many pages in the whole book altogether?' he asked.
'589,' I guessed. Garlic nodded and whistled to himself like he was quite blown away by this.
'Hey, that means you've nearly got there. That's totally impressive, Spud, I can see why they gave you a scholarship.' Garlic continued to whistle as his eyes ran up the walls over the ceiling and onto the curtains where they paused for some moments before moving down the far wall and zoning out on the top of the fireplace.
'Hey, I'm serious, Spud, you must come to Malawi, hey,' he said. 'You'll love it.' I sensed my evening was doomed. 'It's like the best country in the world...' Nevertheless I pretended to read on. "Have I ever told you how crystal clear the water in the lake is?' I nodded

inanely when he asked me a question. 'For Christmas we went up to my uncle's house there by Nkhata Bay.' And otherwise ignored him when he didn't. 'Most monitor lizards I've ever laid eyes on ...'
Suddenly, the cop shop door flew open and Fatty dragged himself in and collapsed into the armchair beside my couch. He studied his watch for some time and said, "Three hours and four minutes. One call... now that's called true love!' He shook his head like he was the luckiest guy in the world and huskily hollered for service.
'Where the hell is everyone?' he asked.
'Looking for Rowdy Stutterheim,' replied Garlic.
'Rowdy and Stutterheim, they're two people Garlic,' I snapped.
Fatty shouted hysterically again for service but there was no response.
'Hey, Garlic,' said Fatty in an excited voice, 'do you want some tea?
'I would love some teal' roared the thrilled Malawian.
'You're welcome,' beamed Fatty. 'Won't you make us a cuppa, too, while you're about it?
'Score!' shouted Garlic, punching the air with his fist, unaware that he had just been duped.
'Better make it three cups, Garlic,' said Boggo as he marched through the doorway and threw himself onto the far end of my couch.
'Chronic!' he said. 'My oath to God... is the shit hitting the fan or is the fan hitting the shit or whatever? I mean, it has to be the joke of the century: a mute and a stutterer on the run together.'
Garlic exited in a hurry to make tea and Fatty looked less than pleased about Boggo swanning in like a prefect and making himself at home in the cop shop without permission.
'Nobody invited you in here, Boggo,' spat Fatty angrily. 'And I'd rather you left if you're going to mention my girlfriend and her age and all that other disgusting stuff.'
A rare but convincingly warm smile spread across Boggo's face.
'Fatty, I was only pulling your leg on the tennis court about Penny,' he swooned. 'You know I think she's a babe
'Really?' gasped Fatty. 'You agree that she's a babe?'
'I'd definitely bang her,' replied Boggo and flashed me the merest hint of a wink. He then realised that Fatty was scowling and quickly countered, 'Hypothetically, I mean ... if you weren't around ... and she was begging for it.'
There was a long pause.
'So you agree she's hot?' said Fatty eventually.
'Flaming hot.' “火热。”
'Hey, thanks for saying that, Boggo, it means a lot.'
'No prob, so may I stay?'
'Make yourself at home,' gushed Fatty, unable to stop himself grinning.
Boggo must have taken Fatty literally because he put his feet up on the table and screamed at Garlic to make it snappy with his tea.
'My oath to God,' cursed Boggo. 'Malawians are flippin' useless.'
'That kettle took ages,' complained Garlic, as he entered with a circular tray laden with mugs. 'Water boils much quicker in Malawi.' He didn't seem to notice that he had sloshed tea over the sleeve of his white school shirt.
'I wasn't sure who wanted sugar or not so I gave everyone three spoons just in case,' he added, passing the tea around. He raised his mug and shouted, 'Cheers, everyone!' This was met with absolute silence.
'Oil' shouted a deranged man at the door.
'Oh God, it's Frankenstein,' grumbled Boggo.
'Rain Man!' announced Garlic.
Vern said, 'Cop shop' in a loud voice and skulked into the prefects' room pretending to have a gun in his pocket despite it quite obviously being his hand with a pointed finger. His face was mostly glued to the floor but his eyes darted around in unexpected directions. After a moment's hesitation, he sat down on the carpet with a naughty smile and warmed his hands over the fireplace where there was no fire burning.

Friday 29th January 1月29日星期五

I can see that keeping up with regular diary entries this year is going to be difficult. Despite having my own room and personal space, it is impossible with the ridiculous amount of work demanded by all my teachers. Mongrel is by far the worst culprit after setting three quarters of all Afrikaans novels ever written to be read and reviewed by Monday. Clearly the man is unhinged and the violence he meted out on Noddy Worthington yesterday should have him arrested, jailed and vilified on Carte Blanche.
我可以看到,今年要跟上常规的日记条目将是困难的。尽管我有自己的房间和个人空间,但所有老师都要求我完成荒谬的工作量,这是不可能的。Mongrel是迄今为止最糟糕的罪魁祸首,因为所有南非荷兰语小说的四分之三都在周一之前阅读和审查。显然,这名男子精神错乱,他昨天对诺迪·沃辛顿(Noddy Worthington)的暴力行为应该让他被捕,入狱并在Carte Blanche上受到诽谤。
Report back: 报告:
  • The missing duo of Rowdy and Stutterheim returned to school on Monday and claimed to have become lost and disorientated during free bounds.
  • Viking wasn't able to beat the Fragile Five twenty strokes each because the boys' disappearance had attracted the attentions of their parents and the board of governors. In the end the punishment was commuted to five hours of hard labour in the housemaster's garden, which involved digging a

    huge pit and then filling it up again with Viking hurling personal abuse from a deckchair on his veranda.
  • Vern is still refusing to enter his room if he is out or exit if he is in. This prompted Eve to conduct a thirty minute counselling session in Vern's room on Tuesday afternoon which made absolutely no difference to the cretin's behaviour whatsoever.
  • After hearing about Eve's 'house call', Boggo promptly barricaded himself in his room for a day and a half and demanded that he, too, have a counselling session with Eve. His thirty-seven hour stand-off with authority ended with Viking kicking the bog room door off its hinges on Thursday morning and dragging Boggo roughly into the showers where nasty shouting followed. The laughter and mockery of the assembled crowd did little to improve Boggo's mood, although he did somewhat silence the peanut gallery by swearing on his mother's life that he would sprinkle rat poison in the house water tank and kill everyone.
  • Spud Milton has been selected for the first cricket team to play St James tomorrow! I have been summoned to a team talk tonight in the Barnes cop shop at . Simon is obviously captain and Rambo and I make up the other representatives from the house. I phoned Dad at the pub to break the news and he went ballistic with joy. Unfortunately, The Guv still hasn't returned and three different sources have said that he is having an operation in hospital. I slipped a note under his door wishing him a speedy recovery and added that I was missing our luncheons.
    Spud Milton 被选为明天对阵圣詹姆斯的第一支板球队!今晚我被叫去巴恩斯警察店参加一个团队谈话 。西蒙显然是队长,兰博和我组成了房子里的其他代表。我在酒吧给爸爸打了电话,告诉他这个消息,他高兴地走了。不幸的是,古夫仍然没有回来,三个不同的消息来源说他正在医院接受手术。我在他的门下塞了一张纸条,祝他早日康复,并补充说我错过了我们的午餐。
  • More than a week after his supposed arrival, fellow prefect Eggwhite is yet to materialise. Viking has assured Fatty and me (who have been covering his duties in his absence) that Eggwhite has been

    dealing with family issues and is certain to arrive by the end of the weekend.
  • I took my own laundry for the final time in my school career. It is a task that I won't be missing. From next Wednesday morning I won't have to make my bed again either.
21:00 The team stood against the far wall and Simon called forward Sparerib as our stand-in coach to say a few words. Sparerib rambled on in his unique and unpleasant way about us being iconic ambassadors for the school and that the way we play sets an example to all boys. He then introduced The Glock who repeated what Sparerib had just said except slightly louder and significantly slower. Thereafter they moved down the row and handed out our red and white striped cricket caps. I looked down at mine and felt the material between my thumb and forefinger. How many hours of blood, anguish and disappointment has it taken to reach this moment? I wondered if it had all been worth it.
21:00 球队靠着远墙站着,西蒙叫来了前锋斯帕雷里布作为我们的替补教练说了几句话。Sparerib 以他独特而令人不快的方式喋喋不休地说,我们是学校的标志性大使,我们的比赛方式为所有男孩树立了榜样。然后他介绍了格洛克,格洛克重复了斯帕雷里布刚才说的话,只是声音稍微大了一点,速度也慢了一点。此后,他们走到那一排,分发了我们的红白条纹板球帽。我低头看了看我的,感觉到拇指和食指之间的材料。经历了多少小时的血腥、痛苦和失望才走到这一刻?我想知道这一切是否值得。
In the end there wasn't much spoken in the way of tactics but rather a great deal of tea drinking and munching of toast was done instead. Here I was in the prefects' room of another house late on a Friday night shooting the breeze with ten other boys looking ridiculous in their khaki uniforms and striped caps. I've never felt more important.

Saturday 30th January 1月30日星期六

Once again the weather gods were against us and by the time the first team minibus left for St James shortly after 8am thick black clouds were rolling in from the west. It was raining when we reached Pietermaritzburg and upon arrival at the school it was pouring. We went through the motions of getting ready and dressed up

in our whites but all we could do was sit outside the change room and watch large pools of water appear on the outfield. By noon the game had been called off and we were back in the bus returning to school.
20:00 House video was Terminator 2: Judgement Day starring Arnold Schwarzenegger who Rambo swears is on steroids. As the film ended a brief punch-up broke out in the common room after Thinny declared the film better than Star Wars. JR Ewing seemed to take this personally and punched his supposed best friend Thinny in the face. Fatty and I quickly broke it up and Darryl (the last remaining) was dispatched to Boggo's room for painkillers while a sobbing Thinny slowly ascended the stairs clutching his jaw and shaking his head in utter shock and bewilderment.
20:00 众议院视频是《终结者2:审判日》,由阿诺德·施瓦辛格主演,兰博发誓他正在服用类固醇。随着电影的结束,在Thinny宣布这部电影比《星球大战》更好之后,公共休息室里爆发了短暂的拳打脚踢。JR 尤因似乎把这件事当回事,一拳打在了他所谓的最好的朋友 Thinny 的脸上。我和胖子很快就分手了,达里尔(最后剩下的一个)被送到博戈的房间去吃止痛药,而抽泣的瘦子慢慢地走上楼梯,捂着下巴,在极度震惊和困惑中摇了摇头。

Sunday 31st January 1月31日星期日

17:00 I summoned Thinny and JR Ewing to my room for a 'chat' about last night's punch-up. They both appeared rather pathetic standing there beside the basin. Thinny's jaw was swollen and JR's right hand was wrapped in a bandage. In hindsight, I should have ordered them to shake hands and get lost. Instead I foolishly asked JR Ewing why he had punched his friend in the face.
17:00 我把 Thinny 和 JR Ewing 叫到我的房间,聊了聊昨晚的打卡事件。他们俩站在盆地旁边显得很可怜。Thinny的下巴肿胀,JR的右手缠着绷带。事后看来,我应该命令他们握手并迷路。相反,我傻傻地问JR尤因,他为什么要打他朋友的脸。
'Because he insulted Star Wars ...' was the sullen reply. I nodded slowly to buy myself some time but either way one looked at the situation it was absurd. For twenty minutes I attempted to make JR Ewing acknowledge that his behaviour was extreme if not completely insane but he stubbornly refused to see sense. Thinny kept shaking his head sadly like he was the victim of a heinous crime but added nothing at all.
After forcing JR Ewing into a reluctant and rather
在迫使 JR 尤因陷入不情愿和 宁愿

insincere apology, I sent the two on their way with a bland warning to stay out of trouble.
Minutes later there was a timid knock on my door which turned out to be Thinny again. This time he was alone. 'Hey, Spud, I mean John,' he said softly. 'I just wanted to tell you why I think JR hit me in the face.'
'Why?' I asked. “为什么?”我问。
'Because I sort of boned his ex-girlfriend in the holidays.'
'Why did you do that?' I asked.
'Because she was hot,' he replied.
'Right,' I said, momentarily lost for words.
'It's not my first time,' he said proudly.
'Oh,' I said. “哦,”我说。
'Not even my second.'
'Really?' I was unable to hide the surprise in my voice.
'I even boned a girl in a car over Christmas,' he added.
I was beginning to feel a little jealous of Thinny's numerous sexual conquests so I cut him off abruptly and sent him on his way. I then spent the half hour before dinner feeling like a complete virgin. How is it possible that somebody who looks like Thinny can have sex with so many women? Where are all these girls out there begging for bonings in cars? I decided Thinny had to be lying and strode off to dinner where I watched Fatty snort an entire saucer of milk through his nose and take a tenner off an astonished Boggo Greenstein.
我开始有点嫉妒Thinny无数次的性征服,所以我突然打断了他,送他上路。然后,我在晚餐前的半小时里感觉自己像个完全的处女。长得像Thinny的人怎么可能和这么多女人发生性关系?这些女孩在哪里乞讨汽车里的骨头?我决定Thinny一定是在撒谎,然后大步走去吃晚饭,在那里我看到Fatty用鼻子吸了一整碟牛奶,然后从惊讶的Boggo Greenstein身上拿走了一瓶牛奶。

Tuesday 2nd February 2月2日星期二

Venue: Cop Shop 地点:警察商店
Time:  时间:
A hyped-up Crazy Eight were already gathered inside

the cop shop and the kitchen annexe was crammed with the Fragile Five whom Fatty had placed on tea and toast duty. Each new boy has been instructed to prepare a brief speech/performance/introduction. This was my idea and although Boggo initially called me gay for bringing theatre to the initiation ceremony, Rambo and Simon thought it was excellent and the idea was adopted.
'Hey, Sidewinder!' shouted Fatty above the din inside the cop shop. 'Make it another round of Bovril cheese, and not so stingy with the cheese this time!'
'And another round of Milo!' hollered Boggo. 'And make it stronger. That last mug tasted like rectal discharge.'
When the door flew open I thought it would be Rowdy or Plump Graham with the Milo, but instead it was the wild and bearded face of Viking.
'Viking!' shouted Garlic in alarm and hurled himself over the top of his armchair, disappearing from view. The happy hubbub abruptly ended and all eyes turned to our housemaster.
'Gentlemen!' he roared. 'Good evening.'
'Good evening, sir,' replied Garlic from behind the vacant armchair.
It seemed he planned to remain in hiding until Viking had left.
'So I believe it's initiation night,' said our housemaster wearily. He glared around the room in a concerned manner.
'Beat 'em upl' announced Vern.
'I beg your pardon, Blackadder?' replied Viking, a deep frown creasing his forehead. Vern didn't respond, instead he pretended to be fast asleep against Rambo's shoulder. This rattled Viking who seemed torn between

screaming at Vern and pretending that he didn't exist at all. In the end he did neither and merely repeated, 'Right, right, right,' and seemed to be pondering something of great significance. 'Take it easy on the youngsters,' he concluded before leaving the cop shop. 'You wouldn't want their suicide on your conscience.'
'My oath Viking's pre-menstrual,' said Rambo, lighting up a cigarette once the housemaster had left.
'He busts you smoking he'll go ape shit,' warned Simon.
'What's he gonna do - send me to Robben Island?'
The relieved face of Garlic appeared over the top of the armchair. 'Phew! That was a close one! I thought he had us there.'
Once Rambo had finished smoking, the first member of the new group of slaves was summoned to a little wooden stage in the cop shop.
It was most certainly an unusual and unexpected start to the initiation proceedings. Despite having a weird halfAmerican, half-African accent, Ntoko 'Nzone' Vilikazi had us all grudgingly clapping at his clever rap song and dance routine in which he used all of the prefects' names which impressed the audience greatly. Despite being small in stature, he wasn't intimidated, even when Boggo hurled half a mug of hot Milo over him after he referred to Boggo as 'Bro'. The icing on the cake was when Nzone (which is apparently what even his grandmother calls him) demonstrated his skills by keeping a soccer ball in the air by using most of his body parts before ending the routine by mysteriously catching the ball with the back of his neck. Garlic gave the performance a loud whoop and a standing ovation and was later quite rightly reprimanded by Simon for being overly supportive and laming us out.
这无疑是启动程序的一个不寻常和出乎意料的开始。尽管有一种奇怪的半美国半非洲口音,但 Ntoko 'Nzone' Vilikazi 还是让我们所有人都勉强为他巧妙的说唱歌曲和舞蹈程序鼓掌,其中他使用了所有省长的名字,这给观众留下了深刻的印象。尽管身材矮小,但他并没有被吓倒,即使博戈在称博戈为“兄弟”后向他扔了半杯热米洛。锦上添花的是,当 Nzone(显然连他的祖母都这么称呼他)展示了他的技能,他用他的大部分身体部位将足球保持在空中,然后神秘地用脖子后面接球来结束例行公事。大蒜为表演大声呐喊和起立鼓掌,后来被西蒙理所当然地训斥为过度支持和抨击我们。
'It's not the bloody Royal Variety Show, you wop,' blasted Simon and banned Garlic from any further cheering and applause.
Surprisingly, it was Vern who inspired Nzone's new nickname. After announcing to us that he didn't need a nickname since he already had one in Nzone, he was interrupted by Vern who declared, 'Enzol'
令人惊讶的是,正是 Vern 激发了 Nzone 的新绰号。在向我们宣布他不需要昵称,因为他在 Nzone 已经有了一个昵称后,他被 Vern 打断了,他宣布“Enzol”
Almost in unison we chorused:
'Enzo Ferraril' “恩佐·法拉里尔”
'What's Enzo Ferrari?' asked Garlic.
'The guy who invented Ferrari, you dork,' replied Simon, rolling his eyes.
'But Ferrari wasn't black!' boomed the incredulous Garlic.
'Nothing wrong with a black Ferrari,' declared Rambo drily.
And so it was official.
Marco Delaney was next and before he had even stepped onto the stage Boggo called him to a halt.
马可·德莱尼(Marco Delaney)紧随其后,在他走上舞台之前,博戈(Boggo)叫他停下来。
'What's on your shirt, Delaney?' Marco Delaney looked down at the stain on his khaki shirt. He grinned sheepishly at Boggo, shrugged his shoulders, and said, 'Sir ... I think it's tomato sauce from dinner.'
“你的衬衫上有什么,德莱尼?”Marco Delaney低头看了看卡其色衬衫上的污渍。他羞涩地对博戈咧嘴一笑,耸了耸肩,说:“先生......我想是晚餐的番茄酱。
'Looks like dribble to me,' commented Boggo after taking a closer look at the small stain on the boy's shirt.
Upon further inspection it was discovered that the boy had his shirt un-tucked at the back, both laces undone and his fly hanging at half-mast.
Marco Delaney said that he had a comedy routine planned but this was cancelled when nobody indicated any interest in hearing his jokes. After desperate pleading from Marco (and Garlic) for a few crackers to be told, Simon relented and allowed him a single joke to prove his mettle. Marco stepped onto the stage and delivered an incredibly lame joke about a barman serving a pint
马可·德莱尼(Marco Delaney)说,他计划了一个喜剧节目,但当没有人表示有兴趣听他的笑话时,这个节目被取消了。在马可(和大蒜)绝望地恳求告诉他几块饼干后,西蒙心软了,允许他开一个玩笑来证明他的勇气。马可走上舞台,讲了一个令人难以置信的蹩脚笑话,讲的是一个酒保端上一品脱

of milk to a cow. To make matters worse he initially delivered the punch line from another joke before correcting himself and apologising and then repeating the correct punch line to no response whatsoever. (The irony is that Vern and Garlic howled with laughter at the wrong punch line.) In the end Marco was christened Shambles and banished from the cop shop under no illusion that the laugh was firmly on him.
给奶牛喝牛奶。更糟糕的是,他最初从另一个笑话中传达了妙语,然后纠正自己并道歉,然后重复正确的妙语,没有任何回应。(具有讽刺意味的是,Vern 和 Garlic 在错误的妙语中大笑。最后,马可被命名为 Shambles,并被驱逐出警察商店,丝毫没有幻想笑声牢牢地在他身上。
After the exit of Shambles, the ridiculously toothy Gregory St James was ordered in and from this point onwards the ceremony began to regress at a steady rate. Just as the grinning youngster stepped onto the stage to begin his story of the St James family's history since 1821, Vern set fire to a cushion and began screaming in alarm. The flaming cushion inspired general chaos and a loud argument between Fatty, who demanded the cushion be left burning in the fireplace, and Boggo, who wanted it doused with water and removed from the cop shop. Nobody could agree and the cushion continued to burn while Gregory's high pitched ramble was drowned out by general arguments, squabbles and personal insults. In the end Rambo christened the boy Plaque because of his huge teeth, before sending him packing. We never found out why his great-grandfather switched from farming bananas to cabbages.
在Shambles退出后,可笑的牙齿Gregory St James被命令进来,从那时起,仪式开始以稳定的速度倒退。就在这位笑容可掬的年轻人走上舞台,开始讲述他自 1821 年以来圣詹姆斯家族的历史时,弗恩点燃了一个垫子,开始惊恐地尖叫起来。燃烧的垫子引发了普遍的混乱和大声的争吵,Fatty要求将垫子留在壁炉中燃烧,而Boggo则希望将其浇上水并从警察商店中移走。没有人能同意,垫子继续燃烧,而格雷戈里高亢的喋喋不休被一般的争论、争吵和人身侮辱所淹没。最后,兰博给这个男孩起了个名字,因为他的牙齿很大,然后给他打包。我们从来不知道他的曾祖父为什么从种植香蕉转向种植卷心菜。
Thereafter Simon called for a ten minute break during which the acrid smell in the cop shop was attended to by the Fragile Five. Boggo and Fatty's bitter argument about the cushion continued all the way to the urinal and back some minutes later. Rambo eventually lost patience with what he called their 'feminine' bickering and threatened to scorch their crotches with a burning should they continue. They didn't.
此后,西蒙要求休息十分钟,在此期间,警察商店里的刺鼻气味由脆弱的五人组处理。Boggo 和 Fatty 关于坐垫的激烈争吵一直持续到小便池,几分钟后又回来了。兰博最终对他们所谓的“女性化”争吵失去了耐心,并威胁说,如果他们继续下去,就会用灼烧 烧焦他们的胯部。他们没有。
The grandly named but weedy looking Julian Marshall
Tinsley was next. He looked disconcertingly pale as he shuffled into the cop shop and gingerly made his way towards the wooden block like he was facing the guillotine. He began his 'performance' by mumbling in an extremely soft monotone with his eyes fixed on his shoes. He soon stopped his laborious mumble and said he was feeling sick and urgently needed the loo.
Tinsley was packed off to the bogs immediately and the ginger haired Michael Wiggle was ordered in. It was clear that Wiggle was an emotional mess from the off and after taking one look at us, promptly burst into tears. Wiggle's weeping set Vern off with his sniffing, sighing and eye rubbing which only aggravated the situation further. Rambo wasn't impressed with the spineless new boy and told him so. He threatened to roast the skin off Wiggle's face in the Snackwich maker should he continue with this dismally over-emotional behaviour. This made the freckly boy begin sobbing uncontrollably and whimpering about going home. Wiggle received no sympathy from the Crazy Eight, was christened Small & Freckly, and ejected from the cop shop.
廷斯利立即被打包到沼泽地,姜黄色头发的迈克尔·威格尔被命令进来。很明显,Wiggle 从一开始就情绪失控,看了我们一眼后,立即泪流满面。Wiggle 的哭泣让 Vern 的嗅探、叹息和揉眼睛发火,这只会进一步加剧情况。兰博对这个没有骨气的新男孩没有留下深刻的印象,并告诉了他。他威胁说,如果他继续这种令人沮丧的过度情绪化行为,他就会在 Snackwich 制造商中烤掉 Wiggle 脸上的皮肤。这让这个满脸雀斑的男孩开始无法控制地抽泣,呜咽着要回家。Wiggle没有得到疯狂八人的同情,被命名为Small&Freckly,并被赶出了警察商店。
The opening and closing of the door brought in a blushing and eager Russell van Rensburg. 'Sirs!' he said with a nod. 'Tinsley isn't feeling well and collapsed in the bogs. People say that he could even be near death.'
门的打开和关闭带来了脸红和急切的Russell van Rensburg。“先生们!”他点点头说。“廷斯利感觉不舒服,倒在沼泽里。人们说他甚至可能濒临死亡。
'Near death!' gasped Garlic in alarm.
'I'm going to take him to the san,' declared the new boy in a defiant tone.
'What are you - some sort of Albert Schweitzer?' sneered Boggo through machine gun laughter.
'Albert Schweitzer,' repeated Vern with his thumb wedged into his left nostril.
“Albert Schweitzer,”Vern重复道,拇指楔入左鼻孔。
'Who's Albert Schweitzer?' asked Garlic.
“谁是Albert Schweitzer?”Garlic问道。
'He's the ambulance driver who saved hundreds of lives during the First World War,' explained Boggo. 'If

you don't know that, you're bound to fail matric.'
With our focus diverted, Russell van Rensburg fled from the cop shop to help his ill friend to the safety of the sanatorium.
随着我们的注意力转移,拉塞尔·范·伦斯伯格(Russell van Rensburg)逃离了警察局,帮助他生病的朋友到了疗养院的安全地带。
The Harmless Half-Dozen (HHD)
无害的六打 (HHD)
Enzo Ferrari 恩佐·法拉利
Shambles 烂摊子
Small & Freckly 小而雀斑
Albert Schweitzer 阿尔伯特·史怀哲(Albert Schweitzer)
Near Death 濒死

Wednesday 3rd February 2月3日星期三

08:00 Simon announced that the assignment of slaves to prefects would be done by means of a lucky draw in Viking's office which nobody believed. Small & Freckly has been placed on suicide watch by Viking after hearing about the boy's emotional breakdown in the cop shop last night. As such, he was assigned to Simon along with Enzo Ferrari. Rambo chose Plaque after declaring himself fascinated by the size of the boy's teeth and Fatty was dealt Shambles. I have been assigned Albert Schweitzer and Near Death is slaving for the Missing Eggwhite.
08:00 西蒙宣布,将奴隶分配给省长将通过维京办公室的幸运抽奖来完成,没有人相信。Small&Freckly在听说男孩昨晚在警察商店的情绪崩溃后,被维京人置于自杀监视之下。因此,他与恩佐·法拉利(Enzo Ferrari)一起被分配到西蒙(Simon)。兰博在宣布自己对男孩牙齿的大小着迷后选择了斑块,而胖子则被打了一团糟。我被指派给阿尔伯特·史怀哲(Albert Schweitzer),而《濒死边缘》(Near Death)正在为失踪的蛋清而苦苦挣扎。
13:30 I officially met up with Albert Schweitzer and showed him around my room so that he could familiarise himself with the way things work. He was extremely polite and respectful and promised to keep my room in an orderly state. I left him to it and headed to the nets to sharpen up my skills for Saturday's match against St Giles.
13:30 我正式会见了Albert Schweitzer,并带他参观了我的房间,以便他熟悉事情的运作方式。他非常有礼貌和尊重,并承诺让我的房间保持井然有序。我把他留给了他,然后前往篮网,为周六对阵圣吉尔斯的比赛磨练我的技能。
16:45 Returned from cricket practice to find my room
16:45 板球练习回来找到我的房间

transformed. Every item of clothing has been neatly folded and packed away and all my shoes are gleaming and smelling of polish. Clearly Albert Schweitzer didn't think much of my original organisation because every. thing has been relocated, refolded and repacked. The small locker that I had been using for textbooks now houses my socks and shoes and all my textbooks have been assigned into subjects along the shelf above my desk. I noticed, too, that my laundry had been taken and the sheets and duvet cover had been changed.
转化。每件衣服都整齐地折叠和打包,我所有的鞋子都闪闪发光,闻起来有抛光剂的味道。显然,Albert Schweitzer对我最初的组织没有太多想法,因为每个。东西已被重新安置、重新折叠和重新包装。我以前用来放教科书的小储物柜现在放着我的袜子和鞋子,我所有的教科书都被分配到桌子上方架子上的科目中。我还注意到,我的衣服被拿走了,床单和羽绒被套也被换了。
There was only one blemish. I couldn't find my towel, face-wash, shampoo and slops anywhere in my room. I marched into the house and found Albert Schweitzer in the annexe on afternoon tea duty with Plaque. Despite his industrious work I decided to remain hard to please and questioned him aggressively about the whereabouts of my missing items. Albert Schweitzer didn't seem too concerned with my bristling intimidation and replied, 'I left them all in the prefects' cubicle in the showers so that you could go straight in after cricket practice.'
只有一个瑕疵。我在房间的任何地方都找不到我的毛巾、洗面奶、洗发水和泔水。我走进屋子,发现阿尔伯特·史怀哲(Albert Schweitzer)在附楼里和牌匾一起喝下午茶。尽管他工作勤奋,我还是决定继续努力取悦他,并积极询问他我丢失物品的下落。阿尔伯特·史怀哲(Albert Schweitzer)似乎不太在意我的愤怒恐吓,回答说:“我把它们都留在了省长的淋浴间里,这样你就可以在板球练习后直接进去。
'Oh right. Thanks,' I replied and felt oddly unsure of myself in front of a youngster displaying such confidence and ruthless efficiency.
'I didn't know if I should take through your razor and shaving cream too,' he said while fishing a tea bag out of Simon's mug. "But then I figured that would be pointless.
I felt the blood rising to my face. Was this young whippersnapper mocking my sluggish development on his very first day of service?
'What do you mean that would be pointless?' I demanded through clenched teeth.
'It's pointless because you obviously would use the basin in your room to shave and not the bogs.'
'Obviously,' I repeated and felt stupid for being so

sensitive. 灵敏。
'You'd better get into the showers pronto,' he advised while buttering three slices of toast with ease, 'because Greenstein has been showering since 2:30 and the hot water is apparently going fast.'
“你最好早点去洗澡,”他一边说,一边轻松地涂了三片吐司黄油,“因为 格林斯坦从2点30分就开始洗澡了,热水显然流得很快。
'Right,' I replied and lumbered off to the bogs where Boggo was discussing the basics of tantric sex with a number of riveted juniors. The water was barely lukewarm.

Thursday 4th February 2月4日星期四

Missing Eggwhite has been spotted on the school grounds by Thinny and Runt. He must be well rested after his ten week holiday. Missing Eggwhite didn't report to the house, though, and no other sightings of him have been made but Viking has nevertheless assured everybody that he has in fact returned. Rambo wagered Fatty permanent use of the enormous blue tea mug that the sighting probably wasn't Missing Eggwhite at all but Ryan (Free Willy) Cotton, the school squash champion, to whom he bears a striking resemblance from behind.
失踪的蛋清被 Thinny 和 Runt 在学校操场上发现。在十周的假期之后,他必须好好休息。然而,失踪的蛋清并没有向房子报告,也没有发现他的其他踪迹,但维京人仍然向所有人保证,他实际上已经回来了。兰博打赌胖子永久使用巨大的蓝色茶杯,目击者可能根本不是失踪的蛋清,而是学校壁球冠军瑞恩(自由威利)科顿,他从背后与他有着惊人的相似之处。

Friday 5th February 2月5日星期五

I crossed paths with Eve after chapel outside the junior classroom. She gave me a beautiful smile when I greeted her. Unfortunately, I haven't got round to that list of suave pick-up lines yet so I stared at her gormlessly and said, 'Nice weather today, hey, ma'am.' She smiled weakly and disappeared through the archway. I gazed up at the sky only to discover that it was overcast.
Why can't I be cooler in front of hot girls and teachers?

Saturday 6th February 2月6日星期六

09:00 Albert Schweitzer may be pushing things a bit far with his excellent slave service. Not only did he lay out all my cricket clothes on a coat hanger but he cleaned out my cricket bag, washed my pads, shined my boots, and even sandpapered my bat. I'm not complaining but I do question the boy's sanity.
09:00 Albert Schweitzer 可能凭借他出色的奴隶服务将事情推得更远。他不仅把我所有的板球衣服都放在衣架上,还清理了我的板球袋,洗了我的垫子,擦亮了我的靴子,甚至用砂纸打磨了我的球棒。我不是在抱怨,但我确实质疑这个男孩的理智。
I'm happy to report that my bowling form has returned. I only took one wicket in the easy win at St Giles, but even Simon reckoned I deserved a few more. Sparerib complimented me on my effort by saying 'Bowled' under his breath as he passed me outside our change room.
17:00 Returned to my room to find Albert Schweitzer perched on a chair which itself was perched on my desk. He had a tin of white paint balanced in his left hand and seemed to be doing some touch-ups to cracks on the far corner of the wall.
17:00 回到我的房间,发现Albert Schweitzer坐在一把椅子上,而椅子本身就放在我的桌子上。他的左手拿着一罐白色油漆,似乎在对墙角的裂缝进行一些修补。
'How was the cricket?' he asked. Albert Schweitzer doesn't know the first thing about cricket so I left it at, 'We won.'
“蟋蟀怎么样?”他问。阿尔伯特·史怀哲(Albert Schweitzer)对板球一无所知,所以我把它留在了'我们赢了'上。
"Your showering stuff is waiting and I need to know whether you are wearing shorts or longs tonight.'
'Shorts,' I replied. “短裤,”我回答。
'Polo-neck or V-neck jersey?' he questioned.
'V-neck,' I answered. “V领,”我回答。
'Tea or coffee after your shower?' he asked.
'Tea,' I replied and strode off to the showers, carrying nothing.

Sunday 7 th February

Assessment tests begin tomorrow which means a gruelling week of eighteen hours worth of mock exam
评估测试明天开始,这意味着为期 18 小时的艰苦模拟考试

conditions. The teachers say these tests are for their own assessments and mean absolutely nothing in terms of our final matric marks. Since teachers usually mean the opposite of what they say, wide scale panic has broken out in the higher grade classes. Lucky Vern (functional grade) has no tests, unless of course you count writing the date without making a spelling mistake a test. I grafted hard all morning on maths and geography and decided to head down to the courts to smack some tennis balls after lunch. I strode across the quad and through the great archway where a number of third years were gathered in their full school uniform waiting for a bus.
条件。老师们说,这些考试只是为了他们自己的评估,对我们的最终预科成绩没有任何意义。由于老师的意思通常与他们所说的相反,因此在高年级班级中爆发了大规模的恐慌。Lucky Vern(功能等级)没有测试,当然,除非你把写日期而不犯拼写错误算作测试。我整个上午都在努力学习数学和地理,并决定在午餐后去球场打网球。我大步穿过四边形,穿过大拱门,那里聚集了一些穿着全套校服的三年级学生,等待公共汽车。
'Hey, Spud!' barked Garlic, looking wide-eyed and holding out his hand. 'We really need to talk.' I didn't reply as I hoped to make it to the tennis courts without interruption.
'There's something I really have to tell you,' he said rather desperately as he looked about us for a suitable place to spill the beans.
I kept walking, hoping to shake him off.
'Quick, Spud!' bellowed Garlic, attracting the attention of a sizeable crowd of boys standing about the archway. 'Let's do it behind the tree!'
I heard some sniggers from the Normal Seven and others.
'T'll be quick, I promise,' pleaded Garlic to louder chortling from the boys behind me. Instead, I pretended to have my Walkman playing in my ears and continued down the grass bank towards the tennis courts.
'Please, Spud!' wailed Garlic as he sped up behind me. 'We seriously need to talk.'
'Just stop being so embarrassing!' I shouted, surprising even myself. Garlic nodded and apologised with watery eyes that naturally made me feel guilty.
'I have a secret,' he whispered.
'So why are you telling me then?' I asked.
'Because it's a secret,' declared Garlic like I was a complete moron.
I gave up attempting to reason with the Malawian and waited for what he would say next.
'Rambo's trying to eat me again,' he blurted with a tortured expression.
'I think he's definitely a cannibal,' he said, this time in a quieter voice, 'I really do.' He showed me a bite mark on his arm and a nasty purple one on the back of his thigh.
“我觉得他绝对是个食人族,”他说,这次声音比较小,“我真的是这样。 他给我看了他胳膊上的一个咬痕,大腿后部有一个令人讨厌的紫色。
'He bites me all the time,' added Garlic sadly. 'He even attacked me last night at one in the morning!'
'You know Rambo,' I said in a reasonable voice. 'He's only trying to psyche you out.'
He didn't seem to hear my advice and immediately blurted, 'Boggo says that Rambo even had sex with his own mom.
'His step-mom,' I corrected, but Garlic didn't seem to hear that either.
'And Eve. “还有夏娃。
'Can't deny that,' I admitted.
'... and your girlfriend on New Year's Eve,' he said uncomfortably loudly.
'What girlfriend?' I asked, sure that I hadn't heard him correctly. Garlic flushed pink and his hand rose to cover his mouth in that familiar manner when he's blown something that he swore not to.
'What did you say, Garlic?' My voice was surprisingly full of rage.
He took one look at my face and sprinted off like his life depended on it. 'Who told you that?' I screamed as we sped across the rugby field towards the rallway line. I was gaining on him and he knew it because he kept whipping his pink face around to check if I was still in hot pursuit. I heard the blast of an approaching

train from the left and had a terrible premonition of Garlic being crushed and me being arrested for his manslaughter. I stopped running.
If I could have caught him, I would have bitten him too.

Monday 8th February 2月8日星期一

Didn't sleep very well thinking about what Garlic said yesterday about Rambo having sex with my 'girlfriend' on New Year's Eve. It had to be Amanda as I doubt Gavin the Umpire would have stood for a threesome. Even if it is true, Amanda never really was my girlfriend and I have no right to feel jealous about this news. Still, it felt like a stab in the nuts.

Wednesday 10th February 2月10日星期三

12:30 As predicted, the teachers were all lying and the 'meaningless assessment tests' turned into real exams with outside invigilators. Fatty says this is meant to be the best year of our lives, but with all the pressure and intensity being heaped on us I'm not so sure that will be possible.
12:30 正如预料的那样,老师们都在撒谎,“毫无意义的评估测试”变成了真正的考试,有外部监考人员。法特说,这注定是我们生命中最美好的一年,但随着所有的压力和强度都堆积在我们身上,我不太确定这是否可能。
Boggo reminded us that the St Mary's orgy/social on Saturday will be just the tonic we need after a brutal academic week. He said he was going to carry out a perverse and thorough boning on Saturday and set off to the English assessment/exam with a determined expression and an excessive amount of stationery under his arm.

Friday 12th February 2月12日星期五

Everything felt positive today with the last of the assessment/exam tests behind us and the weekend ahead.
16:45 Boggo kicked up such a firestorm in the showers about the orgy/social that a number of boys tried in vain to sign up at late notice.
16:45 Boggo在阵雨中掀起了一场关于狂欢/社交的风暴,以至于许多男孩试图在迟到的通知中徒劳地报名。
Simon was also full of Friday positivity and gave a stirring speech at the first team talk. He even labelled us 'unbeaten' which, although technically correct, is hardly much of an achievement since two of our three games so far have been rained out. Nevertheless the speech wound us all up and even Rambo looked the most excited he has all year. Lincoln College had better bring their game tomorrow because I'm betting we'll be on fire come 10am.

Saturday 13th February 2月13日星期六

09:30 There were some astonishing scenes at the cricket oval where a fight broke out among the Lincoln team shortly before the game was supposed to have started. Up until the fracas broke out Lincoln, despite their reputation for being one of the weakest schools that we play, appeared to look fairly efficient about how they were carrying out their warm-ups. Then the tallest boy on their side lobbed the cricket ball to his captain who wasn't paying attention. Despite a loud call of 'Chips!' 155 grams of shiny red leather crashed into the Lincoln captain's forehead.
09:30 在板球椭圆形球场上出现了一些令人惊讶的场景,在比赛开始前不久,林肯队之间爆发了一场战斗。在争吵爆发之前,林肯大学尽管以我们最弱的学校之一而闻名,但他们在热身方面似乎相当高效。然后他们这边最高的男孩把板球扔给他的队长,他没有注意。尽管大声喊着“筹码!155克闪亮的红色皮革撞上了林肯船长的额头。
The captain, who also apparently moonlights as a DJ and deputy head boy, marched up to the tall and gangly culprit and whacked him straight in the face with a cricket bat. The lanky boy's parents became involved as did the Lincoln coach, Sparerib and Mongrel, who streaked out of his garden gate in his jogging shorts to join the heated argument. Thankfully, Dad hadn't arrived yet as I'm sure he too would have become heavily embroiled.
Eventually, the fight petered out and the lanky boy was sent to the san with a bleeding nose and blurred vision. The game was delayed by half an hour while the Lincoln coach lectured his team under a tree near the scoreboard.
10:20 A white Mercedes carrying two insane people roared up to the field and the two occupants made an embarrassing scene of setting up their bar/picnic table on the boundary. Mom hollered across to me, making everybody turn their heads just as I walked into the change room. Inside the change room I heard the distinct sound of an exploding champagne cork from outside, followed by a loud shriek and chorus of 'Cheers!
10:20 一辆白色奔驰车载着两个疯子咆哮着冲向场地,两名乘客在边界上摆放了酒吧/野餐桌,令人尴尬。妈妈对我大喊大叫,在我走进更衣室时,每个人都转过头来。在更衣室里,我听到外面传来香槟软木塞爆炸的清晰声音,然后是一声响亮的尖叫声和“干杯!
'Hey, Spud!' said Stinky, entering the change room with his helmet on. 'Your folks have arrived.'
'Shot, Stinky,' I said in a nonchalant fashion like the news didn't mean much to me.
Then Martin Leslie entered. 'Hey, Spud, your Mom and Dad are here,' he said with a hint amazement in his voice.
然后马丁·莱斯利(Martin Leslie)走了进来。“嘿,Spud,你的爸爸妈妈来了,”他的声音里带着一丝惊讶。
'Thanks,' I said. “谢谢,”我说。
'I think your mom's looking for you,' he continued, as if I should do something about it sooner rather than later.
'Cool,' I said, casually lacing up my spikes.
'Yoo hoo!' came Mom's strident call from the window behind me. I sprinted out of the change room, turned the corner and saw my mother perched on a drainpipe peeping through the window into our change room.
'Mom!' I bellowed. “妈妈!”我咆哮着。
She turned to me with her mouth open in surprise. 'There he is!' she screamed and darted over to me with champagne splashing over the sides of her wine glass.
'Hello, handsome!' she shrieked in front of the entire Lincoln team who were standing in silence at the edge of the field. I quickly ushered Mom back to the car and into her deckchair before she could cause more of a scene.
'Where's Dad?' I asked.
'Checking the pitch,' she replied, motioning out towards the middle with her glass. With barely fifteen minutes until the start of play my father was standing at the wickets and pretending to play a series of flamboyant shots with his blue Standard Bank umbrella. By the looks of things his shadow innings was attracting some attention.
'I see your father has all the shots,' hollered a smug Mr Leslie from the picnic next door. I laughed politely and watched as Dad's flailing around at the wicket became more forceful as he laid into the imaginary bowler. Thankfully, the maniac must have done something to his back because his umbrella innings ended abruptly and he staggered towards us in a decidedly flatfooted and sideways manner.
'Done my back in again, howzit my boy,' groaned Dad all at once as he sank into his deckchair and floored his champagne.
'That's what happens when you try and show off for all the ladies,' said Mom rather smugly. She winked at me and topped up her plastic wine goblet.
'I was conducting a memory exercise of my fifty-six not out back in 1961,' said Dad rather loftily.
'Oh... a memory exercise,' mocked Mom. 'Let me guess - you were finding yourself.' The way she emphasised 'finding yourself' made me think that my mother doesn't think much of it at all.
'I found myself in the bath at thirteen,' retorted Dad and my parents erupted into peals of hysterical

laughter. Mom poured the rest of the champagne into Dad's glass and asked me to fetch another bottle from the cool box in the boot. I was pleased to see that my parents had only brought up two bottles of champagne, but less thrilled at the sight of a further three bottles of red wine that lay partially concealed beneath Dad's anorak behind the driver's seat.
At lunch my parents were in high spirits; by afternoon tea they were completely sozzled. Dad took up most of my tea break with his conspiracy theory about Sparerib deliberately coaching our team into the ground to kibosh my chances of making Natal Schools. I returned to the change room to find an anxious Sparerib in urgent conversation with Simon. Unbelievably, the warring Lincoln team were well and truly beating us. With only 137 runs needed for victory our top order batting fell apart and we found ourselves in desperate trouble at 33 for the loss of seven wickets with an hour and a half of play left after tea. Worse still was that The Glock took it upon himself to deliver a threatening speech to the team in the change room. Unfortunately, he delivered it mainly to Rambo, Stinky, myself and Spearmint as our team's only remaining batsmen.
午饭时,我的父母兴高采烈;到了下午茶,他们完全被迷住了。爸爸用他的阴谋论占据了我大部分的茶歇时间,他故意把我们的团队训练到地上,以扼杀我进入纳塔尔学校的机会。我回到更衣室,发现焦急的Sparerib正在与Simon进行紧急交谈。令人难以置信的是,交战的林肯车队确实击败了我们。在胜利只需要 137 分的情况下,我们的顶级击球分崩离析,我们发现自己在 33 分时陷入了绝望的困境,因为在茶余饭后还剩一个半小时的比赛时失去了七个三柱门。更糟糕的是,格洛克在更衣室里向球队发表了威胁性的演讲。不幸的是,他主要将球传给了兰博、臭臭、我和留兰香,作为我们球队仅存的击球手。
'I don't know about you, Spuddy, but I don't want to be remembered for losing to Lincoln,' hissed Simon who had seated himself next to me on the stands as we watched Rambo and Stinky face the music in the middle. I think our captain was intending to be supportive but his continuous advice and pointers were only making me feel more nervous.
'Our only chance is to fight for the draw,' he said through clenched teeth like he was worried somebody might read his lips through binoculars from afar. 'If we're still batting come five o'clock, then we're still unbeaten.' I nodded and kept watching the pitch where
Stinky was looking decidedly unsteady at the crease.
'Focus, Stinky!' bellowed Simon who had also picked up on his sudden fragility. Stinky looked around and nodded at Simon like he had got the message. He then proceeded to conduct a wild swing and miss as the ball flew narrowly over his off stump.
'Focus, Stinkyl' roared my father from behind the boundary.
'Stinky's such a turdhole,' muttered Simon. He turned to me again. 'Okay, Spuddy, now listen up,' he said. 'I don't care if you don't score a single run but I want you to stay out there.' I nodded again and watched Stinky's middle stump being uprooted as a despairing groan sounded around the ground.
Simon grabbed my arm as I stood up. 'Tell Rambo to wind down the clock.'
I nodded and trudged in to bat. My Remex read 15:44 which meant that I would have to bat for 76 minutes and either Rambo or Spearmint would have to do likewise. A massive scream went up from the Milton Merc parked on the deep cover boundary, followed by urgent hooting and a brief snatch of deafening music from the car's stereo.
我点了点头,跋涉着去击球。我的 Remex 读了 15:44,这意味着我必须击球 76 分钟,而 Rambo 或 Spearmint 也必须这样做。一声巨大的尖叫声从停在深掩体边界上的米尔顿·默克(Milton Merc)上响起,随后是紧急的鸣叫声和汽车音响中短暂的震耳欲聋的音乐。
A seething Rambo met me halfway to the wicket. 'I'm gonna kill Stinky, my oath to God,' he said.
'Simon says you must wind down the clock,' I told him. He nodded and said, 'Spud, look at me.' I looked into his eyes which were burning black. "We're gonna do this.' I nodded. 'We're going to do this - you and me,' he repeated. I nodded again.
Slowly but surely the minutes slipped by. I blocked out at one end and Rambo at the other. The clouds were beginning to roll in and the atmosphere around the ground steamed like a pressure cooker. Every blocked ball was cheered and every over that was successfully

negotiated was met with thunderous applause and strident hooting from the white Mercedes at deep cover. At exactly 16:37 Rambo was hit on the glove by a medium pace bowler and fell to the ground screaming. Then there was a long delay after Simon 'struggled' to find ice in the pavilion to treat Rambo's hand. Lincoln were visibly livid by Rambo's obvious time wasting tactics and their coach/umpire wasn't exactly what you would call sympathetic to Rambo's declaration that his hand might be broken. In the end Rambo's theatrics used up valuable time but twenty-four minutes still to be negotiated.
By 16:50 and with only three overs remaining, I met Rambo in the middle of the wicket for another brief chat.
'Did you shag Amanda?' I heard myself say.
'What? Why are you asking me this now, Milton? Are you retarded?' spat Rambo, looking at me incredulously.
'Did you?' I asked again.
'Of course not,' he said and walked away from me.
A delicious sensation of relief washed over my body. Eighteen balls remained and the end was in sight. The thing was that I just could not get the image of Amanda out of my mind. Even as the Lincoln opening bowler was running in all I could imagine was her face watching me. I heard the snick as the ball took the edge of my bat and flew low to second slip. But then I was surrounded by groans and somebody swore angrily. The fielder buried his face in his hands. He had dropped a half chance and my idiocy about Amanda went unpunished.
'Steady on, Milton,' came the sharp order from a bench on which a long-legged man in tweeds was sitting under a blanket. His face was obscured by a large brown hat although the tip of his smoking pipe was just visible. The Guv nodded to me and I nodded firmly back.
Amanda was gone from my mind.
When I saw off the final delivery of the day a relieved cheer filled the ground. We shook hands with the dejected Lincoln players and Rambo and I strode off to our waiting team mates. I looked up to where The Guv had been sitting on his bench but it now stood empty. Rambo grinned at me and placed his arm around my shoulder. He leant closer and whispered, 'Oh, by the way, Milton, I did shag Amanda on New Year's Eve.' His eyes never left mine. 'If it's any consolation, she's a hell cat between the sheets.' Seconds later we were engulfed by our team mates.
23:30 All things considered, it has been a thoroughly extreme and unpredictable day in the life of the lesser Milton. What with the tumultuous drawn cricket match, drunken parents cavorting on the boundary, Rambo's revelations about bonking 'hell cat' Amanda, and the momentary arrival and disappearance of The Guv, it has quite literally been impossible to predict. With this in mind I shouldn't have been gobsmacked by what occurred at St Mary's, but I was. Just as it seemed as if this social would be as dreary and mortifying as any other of my school career, something unexpectedly sexy and amazing happened.
23:30 考慮到所有因素,這是小米爾頓生命中完全極端和不可預測的一天。喧嚣的板球比赛,醉酒的父母在边界上嬉戏,兰博对“地狱猫”阿曼达的揭露,以及 The Guv 的短暂到来和消失,简直是无法预测。考虑到这一点,我不应该被圣玛丽发生的事情所震撼,但我确实如此。就在这种社交似乎会像我学生生涯中的任何其他社交活动一样沉闷和令人沮丧时,发生了一些意想不到的性感和令人惊奇的事情。
Shortly after , I was casually dancing in a circle with Boggo, Fatty, Penny and Garlic when a tall and extremely hot brunette materialised on the edge of our circle. Boggo immediately commenced with some savage pelvic thrusting in different directions as he gyrated himself towards her. The girl smoothly evaded the spasmodic Greenstein, and began dancing with me. She smiled and I smiled back. We kept watching each other. Later, we slow danced to Prince's Purple Rain and kissed for most of the song. Later outside on a hockey field we kissed
不久之后 ,我和 Boggo、Fatty、Penny 和 Garlic 随意地围成一圈跳舞,这时一个高大而火辣的黑发出现在我们圈子的边缘。Boggo立即开始向不同方向猛烈地骨盆,同时他向她旋转。女孩顺利地避开了痉挛的格林斯坦,开始和我一起跳舞。她笑了,我也笑了。我们一直看着对方。后来,我们随着王子的紫雨慢慢跳舞,并在歌曲的大部分时间里亲吻。后来在外面的曲棍球场上,我们接吻了

again, this time for longer. Dotted around the field were other couples doing the same thing and yet it all felt so natural and easy like it does in dreams. We didn't talk much but she told me her name was Sarah and her breathing changed when I ran my fingers over her body.

Sunday 14th February 2月14日星期日

I only realised that it was Valentine's Day when a fight broke out between Thinny and JR Ewing in the common room after breakfast. JR Ewing's ex-girlfriend (whom Thinny recently confessed to boning) sent Thinny a box of chocolates and a sexy card via special delivery. What with there being no normal post on a Sunday it didn't really feel like a typical Valentine's Day. I spent the rest of the day in my room attempting to work but fantasising about Sarah instead. After the events of last night, the news about Rambo and Amanda doesn't seem to matter any more.
我才意识到那是情人节,早餐后,Thinny 和 JR Ewing 在公共休息室发生了争吵。JR Ewing 的前女友(Thinny 最近承认了剔骨)通过特快专递给 Thinny 寄了一盒巧克力和一张性感卡片。星期天没有正常的帖子,感觉不像一个典型的情人节。我花了一整天的时间在房间里试图工作,但幻想着莎拉。在昨晚的事件之后,关于兰博和阿曼达的消息似乎不再重要了。

Monday 15th February 2月15日星期一

I received a Valentine's letter! Unfortunately, once Fatty had torn open his large pink envelope, devoured the chocolates and read his card from Penny he charged straight down to my room and asked me if I had received my card from Brenda. I had already convinced myself that it was from Sarah despite it having being posted last Tuesday and containing the handwriting of a seven year old. To make matters worse, Brenda had sent identical cards with similar messages to Rambo, Boggo, Spike and Meg Ryan's Son.

Tuesday 16th February 2月16日星期二

I spent most of the day having an internal debate on the merits of calling up St Mary's Convent and asking for

a hot brunette called Sarah. Decided against it on the basis that the school is probably half crawling with hot Sarahs and I'm not sure the nuns would be impressed with that kind of request. When we kissed each other for the final time she didn't mention seeing me again and I didn't want to appear desperate and needy so neither did I.
So there it is - a glorious one night stand. As always with Spud Milton, the pathway to the Garden of Eden ends in a disappointing cul de sac. The problem is that I haven't thought of much else since Saturday night. The condition is so serious that I've even lost interest in stalking Eve.
所以就是这样——一个光荣的。与Spud Milton一样,通往伊甸园的道路以令人失望的死胡同结束。问题是,自从周六晚上以来,我就没有想过其他事情。病情如此严重,以至于我甚至对跟踪夏娃失去了兴趣。
After lunch I set off for a jog to clear the mind and ended up running along the bog stream and past The Guv's house. The curtains were open so I knocked and called, but there was no reply and only silence from inside. I was about to leap back over the bog stream and rejoin Pilgrims' Walk when I heard the familiar drone 'Milton!
'Sir!' I called, looking up at the ashen face that was glaring at me through the curtains of the living room.
"What in Fanny Higgins are you doing cavorting about in my garden?
'I came to see if you were all right, sir,' I replied.
'I'm dying, Milton,' The Guv said immediately and slowly dragged his finger across his throat.
'What do you mean, sir?' I shouted, fervently hoping that he was joking.
'Gangrene,' he said grimly and took a hefty swig from a bottle of wine.
'It began in the toenails shortly after Christmas and grew steadily northwards,' he said, staring out at the fields like it might be his final afternoon.