What kind of woman makes a man want to cherish and protect her in a relationship?
We need to understand that the most captivating and enduring attraction is the woman's personality. The men's desire to conquer, their clinginess, and their increased investment are simply additional outcomes of her personality, not intentionally crafted personas or tactics used to gain male attention.
This kind of personal charm isn't a contrived display of techniques or tricks; it's simply her being herself, and the way she presents herself makes others naturally want to get closer.
Many online tutorials teach girls tricks to create a sense of conquest in boys, such as playing hard to get or being inconsistent. While these tactics can be effective, their impact is short-lived, and they can be exhausting since pretending is inherently stressful. If the act is seen through, it can quickly lead to a loss of interest.
In essence, these techniques all revolve around the innate human tendency to be drawn to high-energy people.
A person with strong energy is someone who focuses on themselves, has clear principles, knows when to push forward and when to step back, radiates positivity, doesn't expect much from others or try to control them, and is generally easy to be around, remaining emotionally stable.
How can one achieve this high-energy state?
In fact, when someone dedicates 70%-80% of their time and energy to their personal interests and growth, they tend to achieve most of the satisfaction and emotional value they seek. This focus naturally leads to a certain distance from others, not because of deliberate pretense, but simply because their own priorities come first. They handle their own matters first and only engage with others' issues and socialize if they have spare time.
When you truly focus on your own tasks and block out surrounding distractions and noise, you not only project an intriguing, enigmatic presence but also better understand why someone can be busy for hours without responding to messages, why they love playing games, and why they prioritize their own well-being. This perspective allows you to see through human nature more clearly and accept that everyone is primarily self-loving, selfish, and driven by their own instincts.
True perspective-taking is not about me pretending to understand that he feels wronged; it's about acknowledging human weaknesses and viewing people, situations, and objective laws from an objective and peaceful standpoint.
This self-focus isn't about me forcing myself to reach out when I secretly want his attention; it's about reducing my expectations of others from a deep inner level, achieving self-fulfillment, not being ensnared by romantic relationships, always having a broader perspective, maintaining a strong sense of purpose, and being extremely clear about what I want and what truly grounds me.
It's not so much that men are drawn to the ambiguity, but rather they admire when a woman can lead a rich and fulfilling life on her own, exuding an energy and happiness that is unmistakable and self-sustained, without depending on anyone else's approval.
Having positive energy, being easy to get along with, gentle, and emotionally stable are not about personality; they reflect inner richness, strength, mental maturity, and the capacity to accept others.
Men often prefer gentle women because such women possess a rich inner life, strength, and emotional maturity. They can embrace diversity, live harmoniously, and express themselves reasonably without resorting to aggression for self-defense or excessive suppression to avoid conflict, allowing them to interact with others more peacefully and freely.
Strong emotional reactions are essentially a way to mask inner vulnerabilities with an outward show of strength, using excessive defensiveness and aggression to avoid being hurt. While this may seem like self-protection, it actually prevents genuine connections with others.
People who are habitually dominant and emotional tend to be short-sighted, often placing men in opposition to themselves. They consistently suppress men to demonstrate their own strength, which may work in the short term but ultimately reveals their exploitative intentions and triggers defensive reactions from men.
Feeling wronged easily and getting upset over what others say stems from seeing yourself as too important. You can't tolerate others, can't accept them not catering to you, or misunderstanding you. This makes you incredibly fragile. When you view yourself as so important, you can't see others' perspectives, and thus, you can't turn them into valuable resources for your benefit.
This is something that can't be faked; when you lack the right understanding, you can easily fall into endless emotional exhaustion, feeling wronged today, upset tomorrow, thinking that he doesn't care about you, that you are not loved, and that he doesn't give you gifts because he doesn't like you.
Some people take the opposite extreme by pretending to be very mature. However, being overly mature can be a form of attack, as it often stems from suppressing and hiding one's own needs. The dissatisfaction doesn't disappear; it's just temporarily suppressed and will eventually resurface as covert attacks, such as sulking, speaking sarcastically, deliberately making things difficult, or being overly awkward. This can lead to you oscillating between feeling wronged and engaging in covert attacks, causing the other person to see you as unpredictable, sometimes cold and sometimes hot.
People often ask me why I should make him feel comfortable instead of him making me feel comfortable. In reality, those who genuinely make others feel at ease don't do so through pretense, but by having a higher level of thinking. They can internalize and understand many things, are free from desires, and don't place excessive demands on others. I can accept you for who you are, as long as you don't infringe on my interests, I can allow you to be yourself in front of me.
The essence really lies within yourself. Once you understand and master yourself, your personality becomes whole, and you no longer rely on others to fulfill your expectations. This self-assured energy will naturally draw people to you. However, if your inner self is weak and incomplete, and you depend heavily on others with high demands, even if you manage to attract a good partner through minor cleverness or luck, you won't have the strength to keep them.
That's all above.
Every day, the Friends Circle shares original content about human nature, love, and interpersonal relationships (add: biggirl55). Girls are welcome to follow and learn.
Edited on July 4, 2023 at 19:27, IP location: Guangdong
More responses
Those answers that teach you how to please others can be skipped entirely, as they are fundamentally flawed from the start.
The most ironic aspect of a romantic relationship is that when you go to great lengths to win someone's affection and care by pleasing them, you often fail to achieve your ultimate goal. This is because you start from a position of inferiority, and it's difficult for someone in a lower position to earn genuine respect and care from others
So, the topics I will discuss next might challenge some common beliefs, but trust me: you will definitely find them useful.
First, people who tend to fare well in relationships are often those who don't feel as dependent on the relationship.
We live together, yet you still send your boyfriend dozens of messages each day. How can he truly appreciate you when he sees you every day?
You have your own things to do, but the moment this person shows up, you drop everything to be with them. They don't appreciate it, and they might even find it bothersome
You have your own principles, yet whenever a conflict arises between the two of you, you immediately start to back down and compromise. How can he truly care for you? After all, from his perspective, just a hint of anger from him makes you give in...
Therefore, someone who manages to thrive in a relationship is often not overly dependent on it: I am certainly willing to live well with you, but I have my own pursuits, my own concerns, and my own principles and boundaries.
Don't believe that only men need to have their own careers and goals. Girls who think these things are unimportant and can depend on men will ultimately be left behind
Because from your perspective, you love this person so much that they are your entire world; but from their perspective, you seem to have nothing to do every day and just cling to them.
Secondly, people who are often valued are those who have the power of choice.
Having the "right to choose" doesn't mean you have to use it — this is an important point to clarify.
Everyone knows that in a company, the boss is most wary of and values the person who wouldn't struggle to find a new job if they left.
However, many people, once they enter a relationship, willingly relinquish their "choices": they stop caring about their appearance, social life, and frequently express unwavering loyalty to their partner, conveying the message that "I will never leave you no matter what."
Let me say something truly heart-wrenching: once your partner believes that you won't find it easy to get someone else after leaving them, they won't value you as much.
所以我希望就算你进入到了一段长期关系,你也要最起码保持自己的吸引力:我当然不是要你心猿意马,但是最起码你要保证一件事——以你现在的条件,就算离开了对方之后,你也有的是选择。
为什么很多男生就算有了对象之后,也会疯狂闷头搞事业?说难听一点:因为他们知道,只要自己有事业,那么自己在相亲市场上的话语权就会很大,就算另一半离开自己,自己也依旧可以找到对象。
你说他们不忠于自己的另一半么?并不是,其他时间他们也会扮演好一个对象的身份和角色,只不过就像开头说的——
我不行使“选择权”,但是我保留“选择权”。
最后一条最管用,也最实际,但是被很多人误解了的事情,是:提高自己的不可替代性。
我知道你可能看到这里就已经打算划走了,因为在此之前你已经看了太多“提高自己不可替代性”的鸡汤,但是我想说:很多人都没有理解这句话的真正含义。
你会给这个人收拾房间,会给这个人做饭,这是不可替代性么?这不是,一个家政阿姨,另一个喜欢他的女生也可以做到;
你会陪伴这个人,等他回家,照顾他,这是不可替代性么?这不是,你回老家一个星期,这个男生能笑出声来;
你会和这个人发生关系,这是不可替代性么?这不是,甚至可以说这是最容易被替代的属性了。
其实“不可替代性”有的时候,和一个人的硬性指标没什么关系:
你会发现很多公司里面,会有一个什么都不干,每天摸鱼划水,但还是被创始人养着的合伙人;
你也会发现很多关系里面,功成名就的人身边往往跟着其貌不扬的另一半;
或者有的时候,明明条件很好的一个人,却找了一个怎么都看不出来价值匹配的对象...
那些人,才是掌握了“不可替代性”的人:或许这些人在对方最需要帮助的时候,拉了这个人一把;或者这些人虽然没什么长处,但是陪着这个人一起成长了这么多年;或者这些人真的了解对方的内心诉求,对方有什么掏心窝的话只能和他们说...
这,才是最厉害的“不可替代性”:精神上的需求,往往真的很难找到一个替代品。
而这种“不可替代性”,往往需要你真诚的去和对方相处,耐心的去包容体谅对方,并且在对方最需要的时候提供对方需要的价值。
是的,听起来很玄学,好像也很难明确的定义对方的“精神需求”到底是什么,但是相信我:只要你和对方认真相处了,你一定找得到。
以上,如果你就算恋爱了,但是一直把恋爱当做是自己生活的一部分;
如果你就算恋爱了,但是你手上一直握着“选择权”,你不怕失去这个人;
如果你在恋爱的过程当中,明确了对方的“精神需求”,并且准确的把握了对方的“精神需求”,做到了不可替代——
那么恭喜你:这个人,大概率已经离不开你了。
以上,我是清华大学出版社心理情感类签约作者 @国士九颜,专精于亲密关系(恋情、婚姻问题)的维系、修复等有效处理,著有亲密关系类畅销书《说好不分手》。
我谈过好几次恋爱,我发现有一些人是很特别的。长期跟她相处会感觉到稳定、安全、舒适,并且还会促进你自己成长,意识到亲密关系中的责任。因为她就是在那种环境底下成长的。
在父母疼爱、包容、重视底下成长的女生更容易获得男人的珍惜和爱护。
缺爱这个概念有点被说烂了,有时候我都不好意思提醒别人,好像弄得人家的原生家庭有错一样。我发现在亲密关系中经常被人呵护的女生,她们的父母都是很疼爱并重视她们的。而一些长期沉溺在痛苦关系中的女生,几乎都是在父母不重视不爱或者说在一个不健康的爱(pua或溺爱)底下成长的。倒不是说一些被疼爱被重视的女生不会碰见坏人,应该是说因为她们有被好好爱过,所以更懂得选择一个爱她自己的人,她也爱的人相处。面对不合适的人、错的人她们会很快察觉,知道要马上止损逃离,不会被这段感情的伤害影响到自己的未来发展,她还有很强大的能力和爱去迎接下一段感情。我有一个朋友就是这样,她爸爸是相当的重视和痛爱她。我初中就认识她,她是蛮受欢迎的那种女生,很多人追求。我几乎能发现哪些男生对她的喜欢是玩玩的,哪些男生是对她真心实意的(毕竟大家都是男人嘛),不过我基本上都没有说过,因为她比我更快察觉出来。她太清楚真心爱她的人是怎样的了,在被追求期间就能察觉到哪些男生可能有问题,把他筛掉。有一些她是在恋爱后才发现问题的,她一般不用一个月就结束关系,而且最后都能反将那个男人一军。我发现那些跟她谈恋爱超过一年的男人几乎都是口碑好的,没出轨、渣男、冷暴力、pua的传闻,婚后跟太太感情很好。哪些追不到她、一个月内被她分手的男人确实很多都有问题,比如脚踏两只船,冷暴力分手,跟前任纠结不清等等。我这个朋友她现在就过的很好,有老公爱,公公婆婆也疼爱她。我认识的另外一个被父母疼爱并重视的人是我一直爱慕并欣赏的人,在我另一个回答里面有说过她。长期相处的话你会发现她有安全的底气,面对不合适的人时哪怕有跨越阶级的诱惑还是会选择离开,依然能够保持自我,不会因为这次的伤害而影响到自己的未来。
相反缺爱的女生更容易被亲密关系中的伤害影响到自己的未来发展。她们容易盲目付出,重男轻女的教导下使她们经常指望用付出来获得被爱。面对一些不健康的关系时,她们不会反抗,不会止损,默默忍受,告诉自己这就是爱,最后发现被伤害了就深深埋怨起当初。看过几篇网文后就认为是因为自己待人太好了才会不被珍惜,要学钓着男人,不要对他太好,要心机绿茶,搞套路……我对此经常满头问号?可惜的是这个东西跟被爱也是一样,不是学来的,而是父母教的,是原生家庭带来的。这些女生一般很精明(贬义),很会找那些愿意被她套路的男生,一些不理会她的或者她坑不了的男人,她们是不会去碰的。提醒大家不要去学她们,因为大多数玩套路的女生也是另一种意义上的缺爱。她们没有真实的自己。我以前认识几个,正事不干,经常喜欢搞雌竟绿茶,被套路的男人终有一天还是会发现,最后不是离婚收场就是被男人绿了,她又绿了男人……生活极其狗血,因为她们用这种方式搞到的男人质量都很一般。本身缺爱的女生大多数学不会这些,即使学了她们还是会掉进另一个痛苦的陷阱里。她们会发现一开始套路还是有点效果的,只是一旦进入长期关系效果就越来越差了。不断靠套路索取被爱,自己很累,跟她相处的男人也很累。男生受不了,又是冷暴力出轨pua分手三件套奉上。
其实缺爱的人她们都搞错重点,她们会误认为是自己对别人好才会导致不被珍惜的结果,但她们没有想过是因为她们习惯了不被爱。她们年幼时在父母那里得到的情感依赖转入了亲密关系里,导致她们更容易选择一个不爱她们的人,带有伤害性的人,并且沉溺在里面,而不是选择一个懂得爱她的人。她们没有好好体会过被人真心疼爱重视的感受,面对一个真爱她的人时反而会不适应离开了。
我想起了《围城》里面的孙柔嘉,孙柔嘉就是一个典型缺爱的女性形象,孙柔嘉不是没有能力,而是不会选择。还有张爱玲笔下的女性,张爱玲其实看的很透,她不相信爱情,早早就知道不被爱是一种习惯,是一种可怕的原生习惯。
当然我不希望女性责怪自己的原生家庭,因为这是改变不了的,但你们可以改变自己。多跟自己沟通,问自己做哪些事情会让自己舒服快乐(只要不影响侵犯别人,都可以去实现)。提升自己,让自己除了感情依赖之外还有别的价值感。多一些讨好自己,尊重自己的感受。痛苦难受了,就跟自己对话,问问自己为什么会觉得这个事情让你难受痛苦了。你懂得爱自己了,自然而然就会知道爱你的人是什么样的了。
最后我想说你的好不是一个错误,只是放错在一个不值得你爱的人身上而已。感情是有试错过程的,错了就错了,你仍然是一个值得被爱的人。好的感情会让你感受到自在、舒适、安全、尊重平等,能够促进成长跟意识责任。偶尔有点事情让你痛苦难受是正常的,就像一个健康的人也会偶尔感冒发烧,但不会让你长期陷入迷茫、沉溺、痛苦当中。
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