love is a two-way street my foolish valentine
爱是一条双向的街道，我愚蠢的情人节

soda_script

Summary:
总结：

Chuuya speaks the words so gently, almost like he's afraid that if he raises his voice too much I’ll end up shattering into a million irreparable pieces. I think the soft tone is more likely to break me instead.
Chuuya说这句话时如此温柔，几乎就像他害怕如果他把声音提高太多，我最终会碎成一百万个无法弥补的碎片。我认为柔和的语气更有可能让我崩溃。

There's a nice warmth to the way he loves me, I can feel it floating deep in my chest, but the lingering remorse still remains present at the back of my mind. And I’ve always been one to prioritize thinking with my head rather than my heart. As happy as his sweet gestures made me earlier, I find myself over thinking yet again.
他爱我的方式有一种很好的温暖，我能感觉到它漂浮在我的胸膛深处，但挥之不去的悔恨仍然存在于我的脑海中。我一直是一个优先考虑用头脑而不是用心思考的人。尽管他刚才的甜蜜举动让我感到高兴，但我发现自己又想多了。

(soukoku trying to mend their relationship into something normal)
（Soukoku 试图将他们的关系修复为正常状态）

Notes:

this was supposed to be a quick and fluffy valentines day fic but unfortunately i am just Not That Guy and i will b having chunks of angst in between the happy parts, think of it as dark chocolate candy w a sweet filling (there thats kinda valentine esq right? no? sorry)
这本来应该是一个快速而蓬松的情人节电影，但不幸的是，我不是那个家伙，我会在快乐的部分之间有大块的焦虑，把它想象成黑巧克力糖果和甜馅（有点情人节，对吧？不？对不起）

the lyrics at the beginning r translated form the song "el verdadero amor perdona" by mana
开头 r 的歌词翻译自 Mana 的歌曲“El Verdadero Amor Perdona”

(See the end of the work for more notes.)
（更多注释见作品末尾。

Work Text:

“A mistake is something human,
“错误是人之常情，

I won't justify the betrayal.
我不会为背叛辩护。

True lovers understand each other,
真正的恋人互相理解，

They love and forget of any grudges.”
他们爱，忘记了任何怨恨。

—

Throughout the years, Chuuya and I have been through many things together. Even before we were officially titled partners, we had always felt this pull towards one another and at times it would almost rival the farce of contempt we were known for displaying.
这些年来，Chuuya和我一起经历了很多事情。甚至在我们正式成为合作伙伴之前，我们就一直感受到这种对彼此的吸引力，有时它几乎可以与我们以表现出的蔑视闹剧相媲美。

There were moments where the truth almost slipped through the cracks, threatening to expose itself for the vulnerability that it was. In our desperation to deny that bond, for fear of what it could say about us, we pushed those feelings away and ended up hurting each other in so many awful ways.
有些时候，真相几乎从裂缝中溜走，威胁要暴露自己的脆弱性。我们绝望地否认这种联系，因为害怕它会对我们说些什么，我们把这些感觉推开了，最终以许多可怕的方式伤害了彼此。

I'll be the first to admit that I did a lot more damage on my end, more than he could ever be capable of. When I left, I fully accepted the fact that it would mean the end for him and I, that I would never be able to repair the damage I had done by leaving without saying a word. There were many other things I had to say goodbye to during that time though, and my mind was still so full of grief over what I lost that I couldn't really bring myself to care at the moment.
我会是第一个承认我造成的伤害要大得多的人，比他所能承受的还要多。当我离开时，我完全接受了这样一个事实，即这对他和我来说意味着终结，我永远无法修复我一言不发地离开所造成的伤害。在那段时间里，我不得不告别许多其他事情，我的脑海中仍然充满了对我失去的东西的悲伤，以至于我现在无法真正关心自己。

I went about my days, putting my all into becoming the kind of person I promised I would be and shoved away any thoughts I had about our past together. As the years went by, I moved on and I was sure that in time he would too. Chuuya has always been strong in that regard.
我过着我的日子，全力以赴成为我承诺我会成为的那种人，并推开了我对我们过去的任何想法。随着岁月的流逝，我继续前进，我相信他也会这样做。Chuuya在这方面一直很强大。

When I saw him again after four years of going without even a glimpse of his presence, I knew that I had only been fooling myself the entire time. I felt just as strongly about him as I did on the very first day we met. That pull from back then was still very much there, I doubt it ever really left at all.
四年来，当我再次见到他时，我甚至没有瞥见他的存在，我知道我一直在自欺欺人。我对他的感情和我们见面的第一天一样强烈。那时的吸引力仍然存在，我怀疑它是否真的离开了。

As selfish as it was, I wanted to follow that feeling as it lured me back to him. I knew I didn't have any right to that desire at all, not after everything I've done, but seeing him again made it difficult for me not to cave. I could tell from the look in his eyes that despite the hurt he felt, he had missed me just as much too.
尽管这很自私，但我想追随这种感觉，因为它引诱我回到他身边。我知道我根本没有权利实现这种欲望，不是在我做了一切之后，但再次见到他让我很难不屈服。我从他的眼神中可以看出，尽管他感到受伤，但他也同样想念我。

But we had our places in the world firmly placed now, and we were on two different ends, ones that should never meet. I had my reasons for having chosen a path that strayed from his own and as much as it pained me, I couldn't regret leaving at all. The only thing I did regret was not giving him a proper goodbye, because he deserved that much at least.
但是我们现在已经牢牢地占据了我们在世界上的位置，我们处于两个不同的终点，一个永远不应该相遇的终点。我选择一条偏离他自己的道路是有原因的，尽管这让我很痛苦，但我一点也不后悔离开。我唯一后悔的是没有给他一个适当的告别，因为他至少应该得到这么多。

There was no use in dwelling over it though, I knew I could never be forgiven.
不过，纠缠于此是没有用的，我知道我永远无法被原谅。

I tried forcing myself to be satisfied with the few chances we did get to meet, but it was never enough. My heart just couldn't seem to settle around him and it drove me insane with longing. I needed to have him close again, even if it was only for a second, even if he didn't want me back. Anything would be better than leaving things off the way we did.
我试着强迫自己对我们见面的少数机会感到满意，但这永远不够。我的心似乎无法围绕他安定下来，这让我因渴望而发疯。我需要让他再次靠近，哪怕只是一秒钟，即使他不想让我回来。任何事情都比像我们一样把事情搁置起来要好。

He hated me for it of course, he didn't want to risk the chance of me leaving him again. The lack of trust hurt, but it wasn't something I could really blame him for, not when I've given him every reason to doubt me. And yet despite how bleak my chances seemed, I still persisted. It took a lot of work for him to finally let me in again, but it was more than worth it.
他当然恨我，他不想冒着我再次离开他的风险。缺乏信任很伤人，但这不是我真正可以责怪他的事情，当我给了他一切理由怀疑我时。然而，尽管我的机会看起来多么黯淡，我仍然坚持了下来。他花了很多功夫才终于让我再次进来，但这是值得的。

Things started off slow at first, we began by getting used to each other again and finding out how we differed from our past selves. A lot of things had stayed the same as before, but the both of us had matured into adults during the time that we were separated, and it brought on changes we hadn't expected.
起初，事情开始得很慢，我们开始重新适应彼此，并发现我们与过去的自己有何不同。很多事情都和以前一样，但在我们分开的那段时间里，我们俩都长大成人了，这带来了我们没有预料到的变化。

Chuuya for one would often have a hard time believing that my reasoning for leaving was a lot more sentimental than what he imagined, or that the newfound warmth shining in my eyes wasn’t just another one of my carefully made deceptions. Being in the light had done me some good and as happy as it made him to see, it still caught him off guard sometimes.
例如，Chuuya常常很难相信我离开的理由比他想象的要多愁善感得多，或者我眼中闪耀的新发现的温暖不仅仅是我精心制作的另一个骗局。在光明中对我有一些好处，尽管他很高兴看到，但有时仍然让他措手不及。

He had changed a bit too, I noticed that he was more in control of his temper than he had been when we were teenagers. I was always delighted by how quick he was to flare up, and while he definitely still has some of that same fire in him, it isn't as unbridled as it was before. Emotionally he had matured quite a bit, enough for him to know better than to let me fool him as easily as I did before at least.
他也变了一点，我注意到他比我们十几岁的时候更能控制自己的脾气。我总是对他爆发的速度感到高兴，虽然他肯定仍然有一些同样的火焰，但它不像以前那样肆无忌惮。在情感上，他已经成熟了不少，足以让他知道，至少至少我以前不会像以前那样轻易地愚弄他。

Even with the new differences though, we still recognized the parts of us that stayed the same and the familiarity was admittedly refreshing. It felt reassuring to see that despite how long we were apart and how many things had changed, we could still find glimpses of what we once knew each other to be. Our bond can't be severed so easily, not when we've seen so much of each other, so much that we have yet to show to anyone else.
即使有新的差异，我们仍然认识到我们保持不变的部分，这种熟悉感令人耳目一新。令人欣慰的是，尽管我们分开了多久，发生了多少变化，我们仍然可以找到我们曾经认识的彼此的一瞥。我們的緊緒不能這麼輕易地被割斷，當我們已經見過這麼多的對方，這麼多的時候，我們還沒有向其他人展示。

I know Chuuya more deeply than anyone else ever will, and he knows as much about me in return, that much hasn't changed. He is the only one who knows what I look like without any bandages on and what to do when my thoughts get too crowded with memories of my past. I know about his lack of dreaming and the doubt that plagues his mind when he hears the god he harbors whispering in his ear.
我比任何人都更了解Chuuya，他也同样了解我，很多事情都没有改变。他是唯一一个知道我长什么样子的人，没有任何绷带，以及当我的思绪被过去的回忆挤得太多时该怎么办。我知道他没有做梦，当他听到他所怀有的神在他耳边低语时，他心中的怀疑困扰着他。

And yes, there are times where the idea of being known makes us feel too exposed, too vulnerable, but the thought of having to give each other up again is enough to push us through the fear. Now that we both have grown, we have found better ways to deal with things like that anyway.
是的，有时候，被人知道的想法让我们感到太暴露，太脆弱，但不得不再次放弃对方的想法足以推动我们克服恐惧。现在我们俩都长大了，无论如何，我们都找到了更好的方法来处理这样的事情。

We actually try to talk about what bothers us for one, instead of letting fixable things take their toll on our relationship. That was something that took some getting used to for me, but Chuuya refused to even entertain the idea of trusting me again if I didn't promise to at least give an honest attempt. It was hard, but I kept rectifying my faults as best as I could.
我们实际上试图谈论困扰我们的事情，而不是让可解决的事情对我们的关系造成影响。这对我来说需要一些时间来适应，但如果我不承诺至少进行诚实的尝试，Chuuya 甚至拒绝接受再次信任我的想法。这很难，但我不断尽我所能纠正我的缺点。

Chuuya was proving to be quite a demanding lover, he actually had a whole list of things he wanted us to cover and consider fixing before even thinking of giving our relationship a chance. He also insisted that if we were going to be serious about it, we would have to start from scratch. We'd get to know each other all over again only this time without any unnecessary harshness. I agreed wholeheartedly, it was good for us to leave that part of us behind.
事实证明，Chuuya 是一个非常苛刻的情人，他实际上有一整套他希望我们涵盖并考虑解决的事情，甚至在考虑给我们的关系一个机会之前。他还坚持认为，如果我们要认真对待它，我们就必须从头开始。我们会重新认识对方，只是这一次没有任何不必要的苛刻。我全心全意地同意，把我们的那部分抛在脑后对我们来说是件好事。

I can't lie though, sometimes I was surprised at some of the things he asked of me. Chuuya seemed to want us to be something straight out of a movie, for us to include flowers and gift giving and other little details like those into our relationship. I never knew my Chibi to be such a romantic at heart and it amused me to see him be so adamant about it. The more time we spent together though, the more I understood why that was.
不过我不能撒谎，有时我对他要求我的一些事情感到惊讶。Chuuya似乎希望我们成为电影中的某种东西，让我们在我们的关系中加入鲜花和礼物以及其他小细节。我从来不知道我的赤壁内心如此浪漫，看到他如此坚持，我感到很有趣。不过，我们在一起的时间越长，我就越明白为什么会这样。

Chuuya, similarly to me, often struggled with feeling out of place in this world. While my own pain was derived from years of isolation and untreated mental health, his had more to do with the lines of code he still sometimes believes is all there is to him.
Chuuya和我一样，经常在这个世界上感到格格不入。虽然我自己的痛苦源于多年的孤立和未经治疗的心理健康，但他的痛苦更多地与他有时仍然认为是他的全部代码行有关。

I know for a fact that there is no one more human than Chuuya, but I also know better than most that even affirmations from people you love, no matter how genuine they may be, aren't always enough to sway your doubts. Which is why when he told me that he wanted to have a relationship where we could do all the same things normal couples did, I knew exactly how important the notion truly was to him.
我知道没有人比Chuuya更人性化，但我也比大多数人更清楚，即使是你所爱的人的肯定，无论他们多么真诚，也并不总是足以动摇你的怀疑。这就是为什么当他告诉我他想建立一种关系，我们可以做正常夫妻所做的所有事情时，我确切地知道这个想法对他来说有多重要。

That was perfectly fine by me though, if Chuuya wanted to do the whole cheesy couple thing, then that's what we’ll do. I'll humor every silly whim or pleasure he desires just to keep him happy. It's the least I could do for him after all the hurt I've put him through.
不过，这对我来说完全没问题，如果 Chuuya 想做整个俗气的情侣事情，那么这就是我们要做的。我会幽默他想要的每一个愚蠢的心血来潮或快乐，只是为了让他开心。这是我能为他做的最起码的事情，毕竟我让他经历了所有的伤害。

It started off fairly simple. He wanted us to take the time to go on actual dates, ones that complied with all the pomp that usually came with them. I enthusiastically agreed, I’d never be foolish enough to complain about getting to spend more time with him.
它开始相当简单。他希望我们花时间去参加实际的约会，这些约会符合通常伴随他们的所有排场。我热情地同意了，我永远不会傻到抱怨花更多的时间和他在一起。

We’d pick a day we both had off from work, he’d set up the reservation to some place nice and I’d buy him pretty flowers on my way to his place. The date would go amazing, and we'd head back home where I’d attend to his body in the privacy of his bedroom.
我们会选择一个我们俩都下班的日子，他会安排预订一个不错的地方，我会在去他家的路上给他买漂亮的花。约会会很顺利，我们会回家，我会在他的卧室里照顾他的尸体。

Things were so lovely with him sometimes that I couldn't help but to grow to hate myself for ruining our chances of having this sooner. There's nothing I can do to change the past though, the only thing I can do now is strive to be better and make up for lost time. Chuuya always has to remind me of that fact.
有时和他在一起的事情是如此可爱，以至于我忍不住恨自己毁了我们早点拥有它的机会。不过，我无能为力改变过去，我现在唯一能做的就是努力变得更好，弥补失去的时间。Chuuya总是要提醒我这个事实。

Though we still have moments of doubt like those, it's nothing we can't work past anymore. Things were going better than either of us could have expected, and we had our own little version of love that was pretty close to the norm of any other regular couple. Going out on dates was proving to be helpful with mending what we lost, and it made me glad that Chuuya kept insisting for us to go to them regularly.
尽管我们仍然有这样的怀疑时刻，但没有什么是我们不能再克服的了。事情进展得比我们俩预期的要好，我们有自己的小版本的爱情，非常接近任何其他普通夫妻的规范。事实证明，出去约会有助于弥补我们失去的东西，这让我很高兴 Chuuya 一直坚持让我们定期去他们那里。

We don’t always have to go all out though; we can enjoy much more tamer things as well. Simpler things can be just as pleasurable, that's something he learned from me he says.
不过，我们并不总是必须全力以赴;我们也可以享受更驯服的东西。简单的事情也可以同样令人愉快，这是他从我身上学到的东西，他说。

There was one time where I invited him to go watch a stupid action movie that I didn't even want to watch but I knew he’d enjoy. He was of course aware of my lack of interest seeing as I spent most of the movie staring at him instead, but he appreciated the gesture regardless.
有一次，我邀请他去看一部愚蠢的动作片，我什至不想看，但我知道他会喜欢的。他当然知道我缺乏兴趣，因为我在电影的大部分时间里都盯着他看，但无论如何他都很欣赏这个手势。

There was another time when I left for work early to sneak into one of the mafia buildings and went up to his office with a bento box (I got Kunikida to teach me to make it) just so we could eat lunch together. I ended up getting in trouble, but Chuuya was so surprised by the act that I didn't really mind.
还有一次，我早早地去上班，偷偷溜进了一栋黑手党大楼，拿着一个便当盒去他的办公室（我让国木田教我做），这样我们就可以一起吃午饭了。我最终惹上了麻烦，但Chuuya对这个行为感到非常惊讶，我并不介意。

Sometimes we went to my place instead, and we’d spend the night in my cramped little agency funded apartment. It was a stark contrast to the luxury of Chuuya’s place, but I preferred things that way. I liked how much simpler things are with the agency. What little space they had given me was more than enough and while Chuuya would sometimes tease me about it, I knew he had grown to appreciate the cozier feel to it too.
有时我们会去我家，我们会在我狭窄的小机构资助的公寓里过夜。这与Chuuya的奢华形成了鲜明的对比，但我更喜欢这种方式。我喜欢该机构的事情要简单得多。他们给我的一点空间已经绰绰有余了，虽然 Chuuya 有时会取笑我，但我知道他也越来越喜欢这种舒适的感觉。

As much as we liked it though, it was still too risky for us to meet up at my place due to lack of privacy. We didn't want to cause any suspicion, so we stuck to mostly going over to Chuuya's. It took a lot of trial and error, but we were eventually able to settle into a routine that was perfect for us, one that wouldn't risk trouble with our respective organizations.
尽管我们很喜欢它，但由于缺乏隐私，我们在我的地方见面仍然太危险了。我们不想引起任何怀疑，所以我们坚持大部分时间都去Chuuya's。这需要大量的试验和错误，但我们最终能够适应一个非常适合我们的例行程序，一个不会冒着我们各自组织麻烦的风险。

He loved all the effort I was putting into our relationship and how much I had worked to improve. We were both growing happy with what we had now.
他喜欢我为我们的关系付出的所有努力，以及我为改善所做的努力。我们俩都对现在所拥有的感到满意。

But of course, given the type of people we are, it's impossible for us to be completely free of any issues. We can't always play the role of a happy couple, sometimes we end up reverting back to our old ways.
但是，当然，考虑到我们是什么样的人，我们不可能完全没有任何问题。我们不能总是扮演一对幸福夫妻的角色，有时我们最终会回到原来的方式。

There were times when we accidentally happened to hurt each other in the heat of the moment, times when one of us would say something awful we didn't mean and the other would feel obligated to retaliate just as cruelly. It happens sometimes, neither of us were foolish enough to think that this would be a completely smooth ride.
有时候，我们一时冲动不小心伤害了对方，有时候我们中的一个人会说一些我们不是故意的可怕的话，而另一个人会觉得有义务同样残酷地报复。这种情况有时会发生，我们俩都没有傻到认为这将是一次完全顺利的旅程。

That was another improvement we were able to make, we stopped expecting perfection from each other and gave us the chance to learn from our mistakes. All that matters now is that we stay and try to solve the problem together this time.
这是我们能够做出的另一项改进，我们不再期望彼此完美，而是让我们有机会从错误中吸取教训。现在重要的是我们留下来，这次一起努力解决问题。

Sometimes our fights weren't always so harsh though. Sometimes all they were was meaningless issues that went by as quickly as they came. And Chuuya wanted us to be like normal couples, so it was only fitting if we also had the same normal problems they would have.
不过，有时我们的争吵并不总是那么激烈。有时，它们只是毫无意义的问题，它们来得快。Chuuya 希望我们像正常夫妻一样，所以只有当我们也有他们也会遇到的正常问题时，这才合适。

Silly things like someone forgetting to wash the dishes when it was their turn, and not being able to agree on what movie to watch for the night, or where to go eat. Moments where we found ourselves saying things like “No, I left the keys right where I told you, you just didn't look well enough” or “You look fine, can we please just go already?”.
傻傻的事情，比如轮到他们的时候有人忘记洗碗，无法就晚上看什么电影或去哪里吃饭达成一致。我们发现自己会说“不，我把钥匙留在了我告诉你的地方，你只是看起来不够好”或“你看起来很好，我们可以走吗？

Typical mundane problems that would drive anyone else insane with annoyance but would never fail to make us unreasonably happy. Because this was the kind of thing Chuuya was striving for with that list, to someday have our biggest problems be nothing more than petty disagreements.
典型的平凡问题会让其他人因烦恼而发疯，但永远不会让我们不合理地快乐。因为这是Chuuya在那份清单上努力追求的那种东西，有一天我们最大的问题只不过是小小的分歧。

It's better than the viciousness we used to force out of each other back when we were both too young to know how to communicate our grievances properly. Luckily, most of the problems we found ourselves having now were much more manageable and usually didn't last very long.
这比我们曾经在我们都太年轻不知道如何正确表达我们的不满时互相逼迫的恶毒要好。幸运的是，我们现在发现自己遇到的大多数问题都更容易管理，而且通常不会持续很长时间。

Usually.

There was one particular miscommunication we had recently that while it wasn't enough to completely undo all the work we put in, it still put a slight dent in our relationship for longer than we would have liked. And unsurprisingly I was mainly the one responsible for it.
我们最近有一个特别的沟通不畅，虽然这还不足以完全取消我们投入的所有工作，但它仍然对我们的关系产生了轻微的影响，比我们想要的要长。不出所料，我是主要负责的人。

The issue in question was just an honest blunder on my part. I had somehow misinterpreted what exactly Chuuya was asking from me when we were talking about our relationship and what things were going to change.
有问题的问题只是我的一个诚实的错误。当我们谈论我们的关系以及事情将要改变时，我不知何故误解了 Chuuya 对我的要求。

From the way he spoke, I was under the impression that he wanted me to make amends. That all these requirements and rules he meticulously went over were just some of the things I would have to do in order for him to forgive me, that this was how I could make reparations. Not that I would've had a problem if this was true, I was the one who needed to fix things, Chuuya had done nothing that would warrant me asking for as much in return.
从他说话的方式来看，我的印象是他希望我弥补。他一丝不苟地检查了所有这些要求和规则，这些只是我必须做的一些事情，以便他原谅我，这就是我可以做出赔偿的方式。如果这是真的，我不会有问题，我是需要解决问题的人，Chuuya 没有做任何事情来保证我要求那么多的回报。

Looking back at it though, it makes a lot more sense why he would get annoyed anytime I tried to deter him from giving me too much attention. I thought I was doing good in reminding myself not to ask for too much, and by pushing him away whenever he tried to reciprocate the amount of care I would give him. His frustration confused me, and I didn't even realize I was doing anything wrong in the first place. It wasn't until I offhandedly admitted when I was half asleep, the reason why I was acting that way, that he finally knocked some sense into me. Quite literally too.
不过，回想起来，每当我试图阻止他给我太多关注时，他都会生气，这更有意义。我以为我做得很好，提醒自己不要要求太多，每当他试图回报我给他的照顾时，我都会把他推开。他的挫败感让我感到困惑，我甚至没有意识到我一开始就做错了什么。直到我在半睡半醒的时候随口承认了我这样做的原因，他才终于让我明白了什么。从字面上看也是如此。

---

“Get it. through your. fucking. head. you dumbass. piece of. shit.” Chuuya punctuated his words with a hard smack of a pillow to my head.
“明白了。通过你的。他妈的。头。你这个笨蛋。一块。妈的。Chuuya用枕头狠狠地敲了敲我的头。

He stops for a moment and just stays sitting there between my legs, glaring at me before letting out a deep exhale. Whether it's from exhaustion or just pure anger, I'm not entirely sure, nor do I care right now. I'm much too busy trying to cover my face with my arms to protect my poor head from his relentless hits.
他停了一会儿，只是坐在我的双腿之间，瞪着我，然后深深地呼出一口气。无论是出于疲惫还是纯粹的愤怒，我都不完全确定，我现在也不在乎。我忙着用胳膊捂住脸，以保护我可怜的头免受他无情的打击。

“I'm not the only one who's allowed to be on the receiving end of all this! And don't fucking laugh, I’m serious! If I drilled that conversation into your head, it was because I wanted you to understand that you have to let me love you in return too. That means I get to coddle you all I want and treat you well just as much as you do to me! Relationships aren't supposed to be one sided you dumb. fucking. Idiot. Let me love you back you prick!”
“我不是唯一一个被允许接受这一切的人！别他妈笑，我是认真的！如果我把那次谈话深入你的脑海，那是因为我想让你知道，你也必须让我爱你作为回报。这意味着我可以随心所欲地溺爱你，像你对我一样善待你！人际关系不应该是单方面的，你很笨。他妈的。白痴。让我爱你，你这个刺！

More hits were thrown along the yelling and after he made sure I understood this time, we fell back into bed and went to sleep in each other's arms.
在大喊大叫的同时，更多的打击被抛出，在他确定我这次明白了之后，我们回到床上，在彼此的怀里睡着了。

---

And so that was that. Chuuya put a stop to my stupidity, and I did my best to fix my misunderstanding. It should've been easy now that I actually knew what I was doing wrong.
就是这样。Chuuya制止了我的愚蠢，我尽力解决我的误会。现在我应该很容易了，因为我实际上知道我做错了什么。

Except that it wasn't, not at all. In fact, it was probably the hardest thing he could have asked of me.
但事实并非如此。事实上，这可能是他能向我提出的最困难的事情。

The groveling and bootlicking I could do, no matter how pitiful that might sound. If it was for Chuuya, I could do almost anything without complaint.
我能做的卑躬屈膝和舔舐，不管这听起来多么可怜。如果是为了Chuuya，我几乎可以毫无怨言地做任何事情。

Letting myself be cared for though? It's impossible, the guilt I would get from it is just too much for me to handle.
让自己得到照顾？这是不可能的，我从中得到的内疚对我来说实在是太多了。

I've been a cruel demon for too long, much longer than I've ever been kind, so I'm simply undeserving of such care. Especially not from the hands of someone I've wronged so many times before. No amount of time in the light would make up for all the atrocities I've committed. Therefore, I can't allow myself to accept too much kindness from him, or from anyone really.
我做残忍的恶魔太久了，比我善良的时间要长得多，所以我根本不配得到这样的照顾。尤其是不是出自我以前冤枉过很多次的人之手。在光明中呆的时间再多也无法弥补我所犯下的所有暴行。因此，我不能允许自己从他或任何人那里接受太多的善意。

Chuuya is quite the stubborn one though and he wouldn't take no for an answer. So then I found myself trying to change the way I was used to thinking again.
不过，Chuuya是一个相当固执的人，他不会接受拒绝的答案。所以后来我发现自己试图改变我习惯的思维方式。

“You have to let me love you in return too, ” he said.
“作为回报，你也必须让我爱你，”他说。

Well, that's easier said than done.
嗯，这说起来容易做起来难。

I’m not ready to be loved, not in the way he wanted to love me. I thought I was, but I'm starting to realize that it was going to be a lot more different than what I originally thought that would entail. I would have to expose myself to being even more vulnerable than I already felt and let him treat me as gently as I’ve been treating him. I have my work cut out for me, but nevertheless I'll continue to try for him.
我还没有准备好被爱，不是以他想要爱我的方式。我以为我是，但我开始意识到这将与我最初想象的大不相同。我必须让自己暴露在比我已经感觉到的更脆弱的境地，让他像对待他一样温柔地对待我。我有我的工作，但我会继续为他努力。

And now that's landed me here, standing in the middle of my room and staring at a red gift bag on my futon that's riddled with pink hearts at the front. It wasn't there this morning, and I knew he was going to be pretty busy all afternoon, so he must've snuck in here to drop it off soon after I left for work.
现在，我站在房间中间，盯着被褥上的一个红色礼品袋，前面装满了粉红色的心形。今天早上它不在那里，我知道他整个下午都会很忙，所以他一定在我上班后不久就偷偷溜到这里来送它。

It's just a bag, and whatever is inside will be completely harmless, I know that.
它只是一个袋子，里面的任何东西都是完全无害的，我知道。

And yet, just looking at it has my heart pounding erratically. With how fearfully I was watching the stupid thing you almost wouldn't believe that I was once a feared mafia executive.
然而，光是看着它就让我的心不规则地跳动。我多么害怕地看着这件愚蠢的事情，你几乎不会相信我曾经是一个可怕的黑手党高管。

I refuse to be bested by something so foolish though, so I begin heading towards it slowly. Hesitantly, I lower myself down on my knees in front of it and notice that there's a tag on the handle which I flip open with the same weariness anyone else would use when confronting a bomb.
不过，我拒绝被如此愚蠢的东西打败，所以我开始慢慢地走向它。我踌躇了一下，跪在它面前，注意到手柄上有一个标签，我打开它，就像其他人在面对炸弹时会用到的一样疲惫。

“Happy Valentines Day Fuckface
“情人节快乐他妈的脸

-C.N.”

My Chibi has quite the way with words, doesn't he?
我的赤壁很会说话，不是吗？

I continue on, taking the bag in my hands and carefully peeling off the tape keeping it shut. I stare at the tissue paper that's peeking out from the top and can't help but to snicker at the mental image of Chuuya Nakahara, fearsome gravity manipulator and mafia executive, waiting in line at the store to buy tissue paper of all things. Because I doubt he would have made one of his grunts go out of their way just to do something like that for him, he has too much pride for that.
我继续往前走，把袋子拿在手里，小心翼翼地撕下胶带，让它闭上。我盯着从顶部探出头来的薄纸，忍不住对中原中也的心理形象嗤之以鼻，可怕的重力操纵者和黑手党高管，在商店排队等候购买所有东西的薄纸。因为我怀疑他会为了给他做这样的事情而让他的咕噜声不遗余力，他为此感到太骄傲了。

My fingers take their time pulling out the decorative tissue and setting it next to me on the floor. For a moment I genuinely contemplate just shoving the bag in my closet and pretending like I never saw it but the thought makes me feel rather melodramatic, so I decide to just get it over with as soon as possible.
我的手指慢慢地拉出装饰纸巾，把它放在我旁边的地板上。有那么一会儿，我真的想把包塞进衣柜里，假装我从未见过它，但这个想法让我觉得相当戏剧化，所以我决定尽快把它弄完。

I’ll just reach in and take out whatever the hell Chuuya has brought me and be done. Simple.
我会把手伸进去，拿出Chuuya带给我的任何东西，然后就完事了。简单。

Ok, I can do this.
好的，我能做到。

One…

Two...

Three...

Go, do it now!
去吧，现在就去做！

I shove my hand inside the bag and pull out its contents in one swoop then drop it down on the bed as if it physically pained me to touch.
我把手伸进袋子里，一口气把里面的东西掏出来，然后把它扔在床上，好像我摸起来很痛。

There, I did it!
在那里，我做到了！

One problem though.
不过有一个问题。

My eyes were closed the whole time and I was too busy panicking to pay attention to what I was holding. I still have no idea what was in the bag.
我的眼睛一直闭着，我忙于恐慌，没有时间注意我手里拿着的东西。我仍然不知道袋子里有什么。

Dammit, why is this so hard?
该死的，为什么这么难？

It's just a gift, and one from my beloved Chibi no less, how could anything he has to give me possibly be worthy of being met with anything other than delight? I've taken punches from him with less apprehension than this, what makes receiving a gift from him so difficult?
这只是一份礼物，而且是我心爱的赤壁的礼物，他给我的东西怎么可能值得得到除了喜悦之外的任何东西？我从他那里挨了一拳，却没有比这更担心，是什么让收到他的礼物如此困难？

Letting out a sigh, I try to get over myself and force my eyes to open enough to at least get a peek. All I can manage to see is a blur of something red and round. Curiously, I pry my eyes open, and they immediately widen involuntarily.
我叹了口气，试图克服自己，强迫我的眼睛睁开，至少能看一眼。我所能看到的只是红色和圆形的模糊。奇怪的是，我撬开眼睛，它们立即不由自主地睁大了。

On top of the bed, thrown haphazardly on top of the covers, laid a plush red crab with beady looking eyes and a heart at the center of its stomach, the corny phrase “clawsome” splayed right above it in all caps.
在床上，随意地扔在被子上，放着一只毛绒绒的红色螃蟹，它的眼睛像珠子一样，肚子中央有一颗心，老生常谈的短语“爪子”在它上面张开。

If anyone were to ask me what I did right then, I would tell them that I, Dazai Osamu, former mafia executive titled the Demon Prodigy from the ripe age of fifteen, did not of course let out a gasp of pure glee. I also definitely didn't immediately jerk my hands forward to clutch at the gift and press it against my chest. And obviously my eyes didn’t light up just from staring at it in my arms. Nope, nothing of the sort happened at all.
如果有人问我当时做了什么，我会告诉他们，我，太宰治，从十五岁起就被称为恶魔神童的前黑手党高管，当然不会发出一声纯粹的喜悦。我也绝对没有立即向前猛地伸出双手抓住礼物并将其压在胸前。显然，我的眼睛并没有因为盯着我怀里的它而亮起来。不，根本没有发生这种事情。

I stay there for a moment, just squeezing the stupid thing against me and pressing my cheek on top of it. My eyes wander over the bed where the gift bag lays with something else peeking from the opening. With the plush still in my hands, I lean myself forward and glance over it.
我在那里呆了一会儿，只是把那个愚蠢的东西压在我身上，把我的脸颊压在上面。我的目光在床上徘徊，那里放着礼品袋，还有别的东西从开口处窥视。手里还拿着毛绒玩具，我身体前倾，瞥了一眼。

It looks like a box. One of my hands goes to pull the bag towards me so I can take out whatever else is left. I pull out a heart shaped box filled with caramel filled chocolates, my favorites, and a red card with gold lettering. I snort at the cheesy message at the front and flip it open to where I find a paragraph in Chuuya's familiar scratchy handwriting.
它看起来像一个盒子。我的一只手把袋子拉向我，这样我就可以拿出剩下的东西。我拿出一个心形盒子，里面装满了焦糖夹心的巧克力，我最喜欢的巧克力，还有一张印有金色字样的红卡。我哼了一声，看了看前面的俗气信息，然后把它翻开，我发现其中有一段是Chuuya熟悉的沙哑笔迹。

“Hope you had a wonderful day at work today baby, I bet your stupid ass was probably freaking out over the gift for no reason huh? But there's nothing to worry about, see? Just something I saw that reminded me of you.
“希望你今天在工作中度过了美好的一天，宝贝，我敢打赌，你的傻屁股可能无缘无故地被礼物吓坏了，对吧？但是没什么好担心的，明白吗？只是我看到的东西让我想起了你。

Figured he could also keep you warm whenever I can't fall asleep next to you, but he better not end up replacing me or I'll rip the stuffing outta him alright?
我以为只要我在你旁边睡不着，他也可以让你保持温暖，但他最好不要取代我，否则我会把他的馅料撕掉，好吗？

Anyways I hope you like your gift, and I'll see you tonight when I'm done with work ok? Love you mackerel, and make sure to eat you idiot, I'll know if you didn't.”
不管怎样，我希望你喜欢你的礼物，今晚我做完工作后再见，好吗？爱你鲭鱼，一定要吃掉你这个白痴，如果你不吃，我就知道了。

My face hurts from how hard I'm trying not to smile while I read through it, Chuuya knows me so well. The way my heart stutters at the thought of seeing him soon makes me feel like I’m no better than a schoolgirl who’s crush just promised her an outing. I might as well be kicking my feet in the air and twirling my hair.
我的脸很痛，因为我在读完它时努力不笑，Chuuya 太了解我了。一想到很快就要见到他，我的心就结结巴巴，这让我觉得我并不比一个暗恋的女学生好多少，她刚刚答应她去郊游。我还不如在空中踢脚，捻头发。

How foolish of me to ever think to be afraid of this.
我是多么愚蠢，竟然敢于害怕这个。

I look over at the clock next to my bed which reads 5:14 p.m.
我看了看床边的时钟，上面写着下午5点14分。

It’ll still be a while before he gets off work, so I decide to lay down for a bit before taking a shower. My hand shoves the bag and tissue to the floor, making a mental note to properly throw it away later just in case Kunikida decides to barge in to drag me out again. I’d rather not risk making anyone suspicious yet and despite how much he denies it, Kunikida is just as much a gossip as the rest of the agency.
他下班还需要一段时间，所以我决定在洗澡前躺一会儿。我的手把袋子和纸巾推到地上，在心里记下了以后要好好扔掉它，以防万一国木田决定闯进来再次把我拖出去。我宁愿不冒险让任何人怀疑，尽管他多么否认，但国木田和该机构的其他成员一样是八卦。

The chocolate box and card get placed right next to my futon and the plush stays clutched in my arms. I maneuver my body so that I can lay down on my side right over the covers and tuck the crab under my chin. The fabric is soft and velvety against my skin, I unconsciously begin to trace the tips of my fingers all over it. Having its warmth against my chest starts making me feel rather sleepy, and I end up falling asleep by accident.
巧克力盒和卡片就放在我的被褥旁边，毛绒玩具紧紧地抱在我的怀里。纵着我的身体，这样我就可以侧躺在被子上，把螃蟹塞到我的下巴下面。面料柔软如天鹅绒般贴在我的皮肤上，我不自觉地开始用指尖在上面描摹。它的温暖贴在我的胸口开始让我感到相当困倦，最终我不小心睡着了。

I'm eventually stirred awake by the feeling of soft kisses being pressed all over my face and gloveless fingers threading gently through my hair. The rich scent of expensive cologne fills my nose as he hovers over me. My eyes flutter open to look at my intruder who is now staring down at me from where he's crouched beside the futon, a fond smile pulling at his lips.
我最终被柔软的吻压在我的脸上，没有手套的手指轻轻地穿过我的头发的感觉惊醒了。当他盘旋在我身上时，昂贵的古龙水的浓郁香味充满了我的鼻子。我猛地睁开眼睛，看着我的闯入者，他现在正蹲在被褥旁边盯着我，嘴角扯着一个可爱的微笑。

“Have a nice nap?”

Chuuya speaks the words so gently, almost like he's afraid that if he raises his voice too much, I’ll end up shattering into a million irreparable pieces. I think the soft tone is more likely to break me instead.
Chuuya说这句话时如此温柔，几乎就像他害怕如果他把声音提高太多，我最终会碎成一百万个无法弥补的碎片。我认为柔和的语气更有可能让我崩溃。

There's a nice warmth to the way he loves me, I can feel it floating deep in my chest, but the lingering remorse still remains present at the back of my mind. And I’ve always been one to prioritize thinking with my head rather than my heart. As happy as his sweet gestures made me earlier, I find myself over thinking yet again.
他爱我的方式有一种很好的温暖，我能感觉到它漂浮在我的胸膛深处，但挥之不去的悔恨仍然存在于我的脑海中。我一直是一个优先考虑用头脑而不是用心思考的人。尽管他刚才的甜蜜举动让我感到高兴，但我发现自己又想多了。

My inner turmoil must be showing on my face since Chuuya's eyebrows are now scrunching down in concern. I don't want tonight to be wasted on mulling over my issues, so I give him a reassuring smile to let him know that I’m ok. He accepts it after some hesitance and leans forward to give me another kiss, this time on my lips.
我内心的动荡一定在我的脸上显现出来，因为Chuuya的眉毛现在因担忧而皱起。我不想把今晚的时间浪费在思考我的问题上，所以我给了他一个安慰的微笑，让他知道我没事。他犹豫了一会儿后接受了，向前倾身又给了我一个吻，这次是在我的嘴唇上。

“Wanna go to dinner still or should we just skip all that and stay here instead?” his mouth is still hovering over mine as he speaks, making it hard for me to focus on what he's saying.
“还想去吃晚饭，还是应该跳过这些，留在这里？”他说话时，他的嘴仍然在我的嘴上徘徊，让我很难专注于他在说什么。

“Hmm... What about our reservations?” I murmur against his lips.
“嗯......我们的预订呢？我对着他的嘴唇喃喃自语。

“You're not even ready dumbass, we can just skip it if you're tired.” I can feel the way his mouth shifts to an amused smile.
“你还没准备好笨蛋，如果你累了，我们可以跳过它。”我能感觉到他的嘴角变成了逗乐的笑容。

I move my own to form a pout. “But Chuuya loves going all out on days like these.”
我移动自己的以形成一个噘嘴。“但Chuuya喜欢在这样的日子里全力以赴。”

“We don't have to. S’not like I need any fancy dinners anyway, I have something much more appetizing right here.” he smirks and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.
“我们不必这样做。反正我不需要任何华丽的晚餐，我这里有更开胃的东西。 他傻笑着把一根头发塞到我的耳后。

My head pulls back as I let out a scandalized gasp. “Chuuya's such a pervert!”
我的头缩了回去，发出了一声惊恐的喘息。“Chuuya真是个！”

He rolls his eyes at my reaction. “Whatever dickhead, like you’re any better.”
他对我的反应翻了个白眼。“不管什么混蛋，就像你好多了一样。”

I give him a cheeky grin in response which pulls out a small laugh from him. His eyes then trail down at the plush still laying against my chest and raises an eyebrow.
我给了他一个厚颜无耻的笑容作为回应，这引起了他的一阵笑声。然后他的目光落在仍然靠在我胸前的毛绒玩具上，挑了挑眉毛。

“Already taking my place huh?”
“已经取代了我的位置，对吧？”

I stick my tongue out at him and clutch it tighter. “He’s much softer than Chuuya, who's too muscly for me to cuddle now. He should've stayed all tiny and squishy like a little plushie too.”
我向他伸出舌头，把它抓得更紧。“他比Chuuya柔软得多，Chuuya肌肉发达，我现在无法拥抱。他也应该像个小毛绒玩具一样保持小而柔软。

Chuuya lets out a groan. “That again? Complain all you want, but it's not like you had a problem with me being “muscly” the other day when I w- UMPH.” The last of what he was about to say gets muffled as I shove the plush into his face.
Chuuya发出一声呻吟。“又是那个？随心所欲地抱怨，但前几天我呜他要说的最后一句话被我闷闷不乐地塞到他的脸上。

“Nope! Lies, that never happened!”
“不！谎言，这从未发生过！

Chuuya scrambles to pry the crab away from his face and shoves it back towards my chest. He glares at me for a second then pushes himself up from the floor. My eyes follow him as he makes his way around the futon to lay down next to me. I turn over so that I'm facing him again, the crab plush now squished between us.
Chuuya争先恐后地把螃蟹从他的脸上撬开，把它推回我的胸口。他瞪了我一眼，然后把自己从地板上推了起来。我的眼睛跟着他，他绕过被褥躺在我旁边。我翻了个身，再次面对着他，螃蟹毛绒现在被压在我们之间。

We stay like that for a moment, our eyes dragging over each other in silence. I have the urge to touch his skin with my hands, to trace the lines of his face with my fingers so I can commit every little detail to memory. He ends up beating me to it though. My breath stills as his hand moves up to lay against my cheek, his thumb making slow caresses under the skin of my eye, the same one I used to cover up with bandages.
我们就这样呆了一会儿，我们的眼睛默默地互相拖拽。我有一种冲动，想用手触摸他的皮肤，用手指描摹他脸上的线条，这样我就可以把每一个小细节都记在心里。不过，他最终还是打败了我。当他的手放在我的脸颊上时，我的呼吸停止了，他的拇指在我的眼睛皮肤下缓慢地抚摸着，我用绷带遮盖的那个。

Chuuya’s giving me that look again, one that's softer than I feel deserving of, and it makes me feel uncharacteristically shy. The sudden need to hide is itching at my skin, but I won't succumb to it. I don't have any reason to be afraid of Chuuya.
Chuuya又给了我那个眼神，一个比我觉得应得的更柔和的眼神，这让我感到异常害羞。突如其来的隐藏需求让我的皮肤发痒，但我不会屈服于它。我没有任何理由害怕Chuuya。

I lay my hand over his wrist, silently granting him permission to keep it there for as long as he pleases. He recognizes the sign of trust and goes to show his gratitude with another kiss, only to be blocked by the plush that is still trapped between our chests.
我把手放在他的手腕上，默默地允许他随心所欲地把它放在那里。他认出了信任的标志，并去用另一个吻来表达他的感激之情，却被仍然被困在我们胸前的毛绒挡住了。

At the sound of him smacking his teeth, I pull the crab up to my chin to hide my laughter. It's no use though, Chuuya has told me before that the slight scrunch at the corner of my eyes always gives my amusement away, though he's probably the only one who is able to notice a tell like that.
听到他咂咬牙的声音，我把螃蟹拉到下巴上，以掩饰我的笑声。不过这没用，Chuuya之前告诉我，我眼角的轻微皱动总是让我感到好笑，尽管他可能是唯一一个能够注意到这种迹象的人。

“Don't fucking laugh at me. I don't care if I just gave it to you, I'm seriously gonna throw that thing out. Shit’s starting to piss me off.” He shifts around on the covers to get closer to me, his hand moving between us to grasp the plush and fling it to the side.
“别他妈嘲笑我。我不在乎我是否把它给了你，我真的要把那个东西扔掉。狗屎开始惹我生气了。他在被子上转来转去，离我更近一些，他的手在我们之间移动，抓住毛绒玩具，把它扔到一边。

I let out a gasp then immediately sputter out a fit of laughter.
我倒吸了一口凉气，然后立刻发出一阵笑声。

“Nooo my gift! Someone special gave that to me you brute! How could you throw Saku out like that?!” I speak between giggles.
“不，我的礼物！有人特别给了我，你这个畜生！你怎么能这样把佐久扔出去？！我在咯咯笑声中说话。

Chuuya takes advantage of the freed-up space and moves even closer, his arm circling over my waist to pull me forward. “Whatever man I warned you both… wait, Saku? You already named that thing?”
Chuuya利用腾出的空间，走得更近，他的胳膊在我的腰上盘旋，把我往前拉。“不管我警告过你们俩什么人......等等，佐久？你已经给那东西起了名字了？

The affronted look on his face pulls once last chuckle out of me. “Yup. He’s already my favorite so you can't be mean to him, okay? He's veeery special, more than Chuuya.” I tease.
他脸上被侮辱的表情让我笑出了最后一声。“是的。他已经是我的最爱了，所以你不能对他刻薄，好吗？他非常特别，比Chuuya更特别。我取笑。

“Man, fuck Saku. I don't give a shit who he thinks he is, he’ll never take my spot.” He ignores my offended gasp and nestles into my neck, pressing a quick peck under my chin before he does.
“伙计，去他妈的佐久。我不在乎他自以为是谁，他永远不会取代我的位置。他无视我被冒犯的喘息，依偎在我的脖子上，在他这样做之前在我的下巴下快速啄了一下。

“Chuuyaaa! You can't be seriously jealous of a plush.”
“呜！你不能严重嫉妒毛绒玩具。

His only response is a series of unintelligible grumbles that vibrate against my chest. His hand against my back feels a little more possessive than necessary. I stay quiet for a second before hesitantly speaking again in a lower tone.
他唯一的反应是一连串难以理解的咕噜声，在我的胸口震动。他的手靠在我的背上，感觉占有欲比必要的要强一些。我沉默了一秒钟，然后犹豫地再次用低沉的语气说话。

“There are different ways to be special to someone silly, and I have plenty of space. Chuuya and Saku can both fit next to me, I promise.” My head burrows down into his chest. “Don’t make me feel like I have to choose.” I can feel his body going tense against mine.
“对一个傻子来说，有不同的方式可以变得特别，我有足够的空间。我保证，Chuuya 和 Saku 都可以坐在我旁边。我的头钻进了他的胸膛。“不要让我觉得我必须做出选择。”我能感觉到他的身体紧绷着我的身体。

Chuuya knows me well enough to sense the underlying meaning in my words. As nervous as it makes me, it’s still something that needs to be said. Something that I’ve been wanting to say for a while actually, because the more time I spent with him, the more I realized that there was still an aching in my own heart that had been needing to be healed just as badly Chuuya’s did.
Chuuya非常了解我，能够感受到我话语中的潜在含义。尽管这让我很紧张，但这仍然是需要说的话。事实上，我一直想说的话，因为我和他在一起的时间越长，我就越意识到我自己的心里仍然有一种痛苦需要治愈，就像Chuuya一样。

Because things weren't always as one sided as they seemed.
因为事情并不总是像看起来那样一边倒。

I know Chuuya is still hurt by all the things I’ve done to him. I know that there's moments where even the love he holds for me isn't enough to forget the pain he felt when I left without sparing him a word. I don't blame him for feeling that way at all.
我知道Chuuya仍然被我对他所做的所有事情所伤害。我知道有些时候，即使他对我的爱也不足以忘记我离开时他所感受到的痛苦，而没有给他留下一句话。我一点也不怪他有这种感觉。

But like me, Chuuya also had his faults. As sparse as they seem compared to my own, he has his own share of regrets, times where he curses his younger self for being so insensitive and cruel.
但和我一样，Chuuya也有他的缺点。尽管与我自己相比，它们看起来很稀少，但他也有自己的遗憾，有时他诅咒年轻的自己如此麻木不仁和残忍。

Back then, he never shied away from treating me with contempt, or ridiculing me for my lack of empathy despite the amount of evidence that pointed to our boss as the main cause of it.
那时，他从不回避蔑视我，或者嘲笑我缺乏同理心，尽管有大量证据表明我们的老板是造成这种情况的主要原因。

Like everyone else, he simply averted his eyes, put his loyalty to the boss above anything else and made me out to be the unreasonable one. It was easier to think that I was the only one to blame for the way I acted. It didn't matter how obvious I was in my misery, or how uneasy that man seemed to make me, he still bowed down to Mori all the same. I get why it was so easy to brush aside, especially considering how I used to act, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt.
像其他人一样，他只是避开了他的眼睛，把对老板的忠诚放在首位，让我成为一个不讲道理的人。人们更容易认为我是唯一一个应该为我的行为方式负责的人。不管我的痛苦有多明显，也不管那个男人让我多么不安，他还是向森鞠了一躬。我明白为什么它如此容易被忽视，尤其是考虑到我过去的行为方式，但这并不意味着它没有伤害。

There were also the countless times he had disregarded my attempts to die as nothing more than an unsavory joke I loved to play, just me being annoyingly dramatic as usual. Forget all the bandages I constantly wrapped myself in, or the bone deep exhaustion that I would sometimes fail to hide in my voice. Even with all that, Chuuya still somehow believed that I was only ever messing around.
还有无数次，他无视我的死亡企图，只不过是我喜欢玩的一个令人讨厌的笑话，只是我像往常一样烦人地戏剧化。忘记我不断缠绕自己的绷带，或者我有时无法隐藏在声音中的骨子里的疲惫。即便如此，Chuuya仍然以某种方式相信我只是在胡闹。

He seemed to think of me as so inhuman that the notion of me actually needing help never crossed his mind, and he hated me for what he couldn't bring himself to understand. To him, I was everything he never wanted to be, something he needed to keep at a distance to lessen the chance of me tainting him with my hollowness.
他似乎认为我是如此不人道，以至于他从未想过我真的需要帮助，他恨我，因为他无法让自己理解。对他来说，我是他永远不想成为的一切，他需要保持距离，以减少我用我的空虚玷污他的机会。

The more time I spent in the mafia and made my way up in that underground hierarchy, the more inhuman and isolated I felt. The lack of understanding of that from other people made it hard for me to connect and care for them the way Chuuya could, and it led to him despising me for it.
我在黑手党呆的时间越长，在地下等级制度中越往上爬，我就越感到不人道和孤立。其他人对此缺乏理解，使我很难像 Chuuya 那样联系和照顾他们，这导致他因此鄙视我。

But how could I possibly bring myself to care about people who only ever saw me as the demon Mori had molded me to be? Why would I have any sympathy for them when they would cower away in fear just at the sight of me standing near them, all while treating the person who did this to me with nothing but respect?
但是，我怎么可能让自己去关心那些只把我看作是森塑造的恶魔的人呢？当他们一看到我站在他们身边就会害怕地畏缩起来，同时对对我这样做的人只尊重他们时，我为什么会对他们有任何同情？

Everything bundled up into the frightful pile of mess I had become, and that mess is all anyone ever seemed to see in me. It made me feel like no amount of pain I felt would ever be enough for my suffering to be taken seriously, that it wasn't even worth voicing how much I truly ached. I’d still only be a demon in their eyes, and no one would ever think to wonder what I had gone through to even reach that state.
一切都捆绑成一堆可怕的烂摊子，而这个烂摊子似乎是任何人在我身上看到的全部。这让我觉得，我所感受到的痛苦永远不足以让我的痛苦被认真对待，甚至不值得说出我真正有多痛苦。在他们眼中，我仍然只是一个恶魔，没有人会想到我经历了什么才能达到那种状态。

I had plenty of reasons to leave the mafia, that’s something Chuuya never seemed to notice, but Odasaku had, and that’s why he told me to leave.
我有很多理由离开黑手党，这是Chuuya似乎从未注意到的事情，但Odasaku有，这就是他让我离开的原因。

He knew just how deep the desolation I harbored went because he had once experienced a similar one too. Odasaku understood that I didn't genuinely desire to be so cruel, it was just the only thing I was ever thought to be. He too at some point believed that he'd never see the lighter side of life, that it wasn't even an option he could consider.
他知道我所怀有的凄凉有多深，因为他也曾经经历过类似的经历。织田作明白，我并不是真的想变得如此残忍，这只是我唯一被认为的事情。他也曾在某个时候相信，他永远不会看到生活中轻松的一面，这甚至不是他可以考虑的选择。

He was the same as me.
他和我一样。

No one had ever looked at me and told me that things didn't need to be that way, that the light could shine for me too if I let it. And then when someone finally did, they ended up dead in my arms shortly after.
从来没有人看着我，告诉我事情不需要那样，如果我让它照耀，光芒也会为我发光。然后当有人终于这样做时，他们很快就死在了我的怀里。

He was the only person who didn't mind spending time with me, the only one who never looked at me with contempt, even while knowing of the things I’ve done. To him, I wasn't some unfeeling demon, I was a child that had been wandering alone in the dark for too long. He was patient enough to put up with my nonsense and was kind to me in ways no one in my life had ever been and it hurt immensely to lose him.
他是唯一一个不介意和我在一起的人，也是唯一一个从不轻蔑地看着我的人，即使知道我做了什么。对他来说，我不是一个冷酷无情的恶魔，我是一个独自在黑暗中徘徊太久的孩子。他很有耐心地忍受我的胡说八道，对我很好，这是我生命中从未有过的，失去他非常痛苦。

Odasaku had become important to me, more than Chuuya, and I ended up putting his dying wish above everything else. Even what me and Chuuya had as partners wasn't enough of a reason for me to stay anymore, and that doesn’t make me cruel. It doesn't mean that I don't care for Chuuya at all, it's just a different kind of care. The kind that I wasn't willing to stay behind for, because my reasons for leaving the mafia ran deeper than just wanting to follow my friends wishes and a relationship that was prone to so much conflict wasn't going to hold me back from being free from it all.
织田作对我来说已经变得比中也更重要，我最终把他临终的愿望放在了一切之上。即使我和Chuuya作为伴侣所拥有的东西也不足以成为我留下来的理由，这并不能让我变得残忍。这并不意味着我根本不关心Chuuya，这只是一种不同的关心。我不愿意留下来的那种，因为我离开黑手党的原因比只想遵循我朋友的意愿更深层次，而且一段容易发生如此多冲突的关系不会阻止我摆脱这一切。

It's not like Chuuya didn't have people he was close to as well, in fact he had more than I ever did, and he always seemed to have no issue in choosing them over me.
这并不是说Chuuya没有他亲近的人，事实上他比我拥有的更多，而且他似乎总是没有问题选择他们而不是我。

I'm not as unfeeling as Chuuya had wanted to convince himself I was. I am capable and just as deserving as anyone else to have more than one person I hold dear, just like him.
我并不像Chuuya想说服自己那样冷漠。我有能力，也和其他人一样值得拥有不止一个我所珍视的人，就像他一样。

Odasaku was special to me, and I was always going to choose him first, but Chuuya is special too. I can make room in my heart for him too. It wouldn't be fair to force me to choose.
织田作对我来说很特别，我总是会先选择他，但中也也很特别。我也可以在心里为他腾出空间。强迫我做出选择是不公平的。

“M’sorry. I’ll get over it, I swear.”
“对不起。我会克服的，我发誓。

My hands clutch at the front of his shirt from where they're trapped between our bodies. I turn my head up so I can meet his eyes.
我的手紧紧抓住他的衬衫前襟，从它们被困在我们身体之间的地方。我抬起头，这样我就可以迎上他的眼睛。

Nothing else needs to be said.
别的就不用说了。

I close the space between us and lean forward. The kiss we share ends up lasting longer this time.
我拉近了我们之间的距离，身体前倾。这次我们分享的吻最终持续了更长的时间。

Both of us have been through so much, whether while apart from each other or close by, our lives have always been far from easy. There's still so much that we have yet to fully heal from, so much pain we haven't even acknowledged, but neither of us have to do it alone now.
我们俩都经历了这么多，无论是分开还是近在咫尺，我们的生活一直都远非一帆风顺。还有很多事情我们还没有完全治愈，我们甚至没有承认太多的痛苦，但我们俩现在都不必独自完成。

Chuuya will eventually learn not to resent me so much for needing to leave like I did, and I’ll forgive him for all the things he failed to understand in the past.
Chuuya 最终会学会不再像我一样因为需要离开而怨恨我，我会原谅他过去无法理解的所有事情。

I’ll continue to mend away at all the damage I inflicted and try to bear my heart open to give him the vulnerability he had been longing for all this time.
我将继续弥补我造成的所有伤害，并努力敞开心扉，给他他一直渴望的脆弱。

There’ll come a day where the love we hold for each other will be enough to completely forget our past mistakes.
总有一天，我们对彼此的爱足以完全忘记我们过去的错误。

We will continue to change, not just for each other but for our own sake. One day we'll be able to forgive everything that hurt us, even ourselves.
我们将继续改变，不仅是为了彼此，也是为了我们自己。总有一天，我们将能够原谅所有伤害我们的人，甚至是我们自己。

Our lips part eventually, and Chuuya's eyes lock onto mine. He takes a hard look at me then slightly furrows his brows, face looking oddly resolute.
我们的嘴唇最终分开了，Chuuya的眼睛锁定在我身上。他狠狠地看了我一眼，然后微微皱起了眉头，脸上显得异常坚毅。

Right as I'm about to open my mouth to question him, he suddenly heaves himself up so that he's leaning over my stomach. I can feel his arm reaching for something behind me, his other hand laying gently over my hip for leverage. When he finally settles himself back next to me, I notice that the crab plush is now grasped in his hand.
就在我正要开口质问他的时候，他突然站了起来，靠在我的肚子上。我能感觉到他的胳膊伸向我身后的东西，他的另一只手轻轻地放在我的臀部上。当他终于回到我身边时，我注意到螃蟹毛绒现在被他抓在手里。

I can't help but smile at the gesture. It's such a silly thing to be this happy about, but the small action still means a lot to me.
我忍不住对这个手势微笑。这么高兴是一件很傻的事情，但这个小动作对我来说仍然意义重大。

Chuuya settles the plush back into my arms and moves as close to me as he can, his legs tangling with mine. I scoot myself even closer, tucking the plush into my stomach so that there's less distance between us. My arm extends so that it wraps over Chuuya as well, fingers moving to grip the back of his shirt, a small reassurance that I don't plan on moving away anytime soon.
Chuuya把毛绒玩具放回我的怀里，尽可能地靠近我，他的腿和我的腿纠缠在一起。我把自己蹑得更近了，把毛绒塞进肚子里，这样我们之间的距离就更短了。我的胳膊伸了伸，也缠住了Chuuya，手指动了动，抓住了他的衬衫后背，这让我放心，我不打算很快离开。

There’s enough space for us to kiss comfortably now, but neither of us go for it. For now, he seems perfectly content with just taking me in with his eyes, and I'm fine with letting him do it. I don't really mind the softness in them as much anymore.
现在有足够的空间让我们舒适地接吻，但我们俩都不去。就目前而言，他似乎非常满足于只是用眼睛看我，而我也可以让他这样做。我真的不再那么介意它们的柔软了。

“I never thanked you, did I?” I say quietly.
“我从来没感谢过你，是吗？”我平静地说。

Chuuya stills the hand he had been using to thumb at the sliver of skin my risen shirt had exposed. “For?”
Chuuya仍然用拇指拇指抚摸着我衬衫露出的那块皮肤。“为了？”

“...The gift.”

“The gift?”

“Yes.”

Chuuya stays quiet for a moment, taking my words in. He must sense that something else is there. Of course he does, Chuuya knows me best after all.
Chuuya沉默了一会儿，接受了我的话。他一定感觉到还有别的东西在那里。他当然知道，毕竟Chuuya最了解我。

“...You’re welcome.” his fingers move against my side. “Thanks for the flowers.”
“...不客气。 他的手指在我身边移动。“谢谢你的花。”

He found the gift I left for him at his office then. Though I know that's not all he’s thanking me for either.
他当时在他的办公室找到了我留给他的礼物。虽然我知道这还不是他感谢我的全部。

“You're welcome.”
“不客气。”

Another moment passes, and he continues the movement of his thumb against my skin. Mine continues to grip idly at his shirt. The closeness combined with the warmth from the plush being pressed against my stomach, it's enough to lull me back to sleep.
又过了一会儿，他继续用拇指在我的皮肤上移动。我的继续无所事事地抓着他的衬衫。这种亲近感加上毛绒绒贴在我肚子上的温暖，足以让我重新入睡。

I exchange “I love you’s” with Chuuya before exhaustion is able to take me again.
我和Chuuya交换了“我爱你”，然后疲惫能够再次带走我。

As I slowly succumb to sleep, I find myself thinking that I'm glad our goodbyes aren't filled with as much hate as they were before. How funny that I can say a sweet thing like “I love you” as a farewell now, it’s a vast improvement from the bomb I used in place of a proper goodbye last time.
当我慢慢地沉入梦乡时，我发现自己在想，我很高兴我们的告别没有像以前那样充满仇恨。我现在可以说一句像“我爱你”这样的甜言蜜语作为告别，这比我上次用来代替适当告别的炸弹有了很大的改进。

I’d feel guilty at the thought, but Chuuya's loving gestures against my skin are stronger than my self depreciation this time, and I end up slipping away to sleep with the feeling of Chuuya's love casting a warmth over my heart instead.
想到这里，我会感到内疚，但这次中也对我皮肤的爱意比自我贬低更强烈，我最终溜走了，中也的爱在我的心上投下了温暖。

And Chuuya, I know, will rest assured with the fact that I’ll still be in his arms when he wakes.
我知道，Chuuya会放心，当他醒来时，我仍然会在他的怀里。

What lovely gifts we have given each other, the peace of normalcy and the warmth of compassion. We must look every bit the happy normal couple lying here together.
我们给了彼此多么可爱的礼物，正常的和平和同情的温暖。我们必须看看躺在这里的一对幸福的普通夫妇。

Notes:

btw this is the plush chuuya got for him
顺便说一句，这是 Chuuya 为他买的毛绒玩具

now i gotta focus on writing the next chapter for the nana one🏃
现在我必须专注于为娜娜一🏃写下一章

ty for reading pookies
TY 用于阅读 pookies