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love is a two-way street my foolish valentine



Chuuya speaks the words so gently, almost like he's afraid that if he raises his voice too much I’ll end up shattering into a million irreparable pieces. I think the soft tone is more likely to break me instead.

There's a nice warmth to the way he loves me, I can feel it floating deep in my chest, but the lingering remorse still remains present at the back of my mind. And I’ve always been one to prioritize thinking with my head rather than my heart. As happy as his sweet gestures made me earlier, I find myself over thinking yet again.

(soukoku trying to mend their relationship into something normal)
(Soukoku 试图将他们的关系修复为正常状态)


this was supposed to be a quick and fluffy valentines day fic but unfortunately i am just Not That Guy and i will b having chunks of angst in between the happy parts, think of it as dark chocolate candy w a sweet filling (there thats kinda valentine esq right? no? sorry)

the lyrics at the beginning r translated form the song "el verdadero amor perdona" by mana
开头 r 的歌词翻译自 Mana 的歌曲“El Verdadero Amor Perdona”

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“A mistake is something human,

I won't justify the betrayal.

True lovers understand each other,

They love and forget of any grudges.”

Throughout the years, Chuuya and I have been through many things together. Even before we were officially titled partners, we had always felt this pull towards one another and at times it would almost rival the farce of contempt we were known for displaying.

There were moments where the truth almost slipped through the cracks, threatening to expose itself for the vulnerability that it was. In our desperation to deny that bond, for fear of what it could say about us, we pushed those feelings away and ended up hurting each other in so many awful ways.

I'll be the first to admit that I did a lot more damage on my end, more than he could ever be capable of. When I left, I fully accepted the fact that it would mean the end for him and I, that I would never be able to repair the damage I had done by leaving without saying a word. There were many other things I had to say goodbye to during that time though, and my mind was still so full of grief over what I lost that I couldn't really bring myself to care at the moment.

I went about my days, putting my all into becoming the kind of person I promised I would be and shoved away any thoughts I had about our past together. As the years went by, I moved on and I was sure that in time he would too. Chuuya has always been strong in that regard.

When I saw him again after four years of going without even a glimpse of his presence, I knew that I had only been fooling myself the entire time. I felt just as strongly about him as I did on the very first day we met. That pull from back then was still very much there, I doubt it ever really left at all.

As selfish as it was, I wanted to follow that feeling as it lured me back to him. I knew I didn't have any right to that desire at all, not after everything I've done, but seeing him again made it difficult for me not to cave. I could tell from the look in his eyes that despite the hurt he felt, he had missed me just as much too.

But we had our places in the world firmly placed now, and we were on two different ends, ones that should never meet. I had my reasons for having chosen a path that strayed from his own and as much as it pained me, I couldn't regret leaving at all. The only thing I did regret was not giving him a proper goodbye, because he deserved that much at least.

There was no use in dwelling over it though, I knew I could never be forgiven.

I tried forcing myself to be satisfied with the few chances we did get to meet, but it was never enough. My heart just couldn't seem to settle around him and it drove me insane with longing. I needed to have him close again, even if it was only for a second, even if he didn't want me back. Anything would be better than leaving things off the way we did.

He hated me for it of course, he didn't want to risk the chance of me leaving him again. The lack of trust hurt, but it wasn't something I could really blame him for, not when I've given him every reason to doubt me. And yet despite how bleak my chances seemed, I still persisted. It took a lot of work for him to finally let me in again, but it was more than worth it.

Things started off slow at first, we began by getting used to each other again and finding out how we differed from our past selves. A lot of things had stayed the same as before, but the both of us had matured into adults during the time that we were separated, and it brought on changes we hadn't expected.

Chuuya for one would often have a hard time believing that my reasoning for leaving was a lot more sentimental than what he imagined, or that the newfound warmth shining in my eyes wasn’t just another one of my carefully made deceptions. Being in the light had done me some good and as happy as it made him to see, it still caught him off guard sometimes.

He had changed a bit too, I noticed that he was more in control of his temper than he had been when we were teenagers. I was always delighted by how quick he was to flare up, and while he definitely still has some of that same fire in him, it isn't as unbridled as it was before. Emotionally he had matured quite a bit, enough for him to know better than to let me fool him as easily as I did before at least.

Even with the new differences though, we still recognized the parts of us that stayed the same and the familiarity was admittedly refreshing. It felt reassuring to see that despite how long we were apart and how many things had changed, we could still find glimpses of what we once knew each other to be. Our bond can't be severed so easily, not when we've seen so much of each other, so much that we have yet to show to anyone else.

I know Chuuya more deeply than anyone else ever will, and he knows as much about me in return, that much hasn't changed. He is the only one who knows what I look like without any bandages on and what to do when my thoughts get too crowded with memories of my past. I know about his lack of dreaming and the doubt that plagues his mind when he hears the god he harbors whispering in his ear.

And yes, there are times where the idea of being known makes us feel too exposed, too vulnerable, but the thought of having to give each other up again is enough to push us through the fear. Now that we both have grown, we have found better ways to deal with things like that anyway.

We actually try to talk about what bothers us for one, instead of letting fixable things take their toll on our relationship. That was something that took some getting used to for me, but Chuuya refused to even entertain the idea of trusting me again if I didn't promise to at least give an honest attempt. It was hard, but I kept rectifying my faults as best as I could.
我们实际上试图谈论困扰我们的事情,而不是让可解决的事情对我们的关系造成影响。这对我来说需要一些时间来适应,但如果我不承诺至少进行诚实的尝试,Chuuya 甚至拒绝接受再次信任我的想法。这很难,但我不断尽我所能纠正我的缺点。

Chuuya was proving to be quite a demanding lover, he actually had a whole list of things he wanted us to cover and consider fixing before even thinking of giving our relationship a chance. He also insisted that if we were going to be serious about it, we would have to start from scratch. We'd get to know each other all over again only this time without any unnecessary harshness. I agreed wholeheartedly, it was good for us to leave that part of us behind.
事实证明,Chuuya 是一个非常苛刻的情人,他实际上有一整套他希望我们涵盖并考虑解决的事情,甚至在考虑给我们的关系一个机会之前。他还坚持认为,如果我们要认真对待它,我们就必须从头开始。我们会重新认识对方,只是这一次没有任何不必要的苛刻。我全心全意地同意,把我们的那部分抛在脑后对我们来说是件好事。

I can't lie though, sometimes I was surprised at some of the things he asked of me. Chuuya seemed to want us to be something straight out of a movie, for us to include flowers and gift giving and other little details like those into our relationship. I never knew my Chibi to be such a romantic at heart and it amused me to see him be so adamant about it. The more time we spent together though, the more I understood why that was.

Chuuya, similarly to me, often struggled with feeling out of place in this world. While my own pain was derived from years of isolation and untreated mental health, his had more to do with the lines of code he still sometimes believes is all there is to him.

I know for a fact that there is no one more human than Chuuya, but I also know better than most that even affirmations from people you love, no matter how genuine they may be, aren't always enough to sway your doubts. Which is why when he told me that he wanted to have a relationship where we could do all the same things normal couples did, I knew exactly how important the notion truly was to him.

That was perfectly fine by me though, if Chuuya wanted to do the whole cheesy couple thing, then that's what we’ll do. I'll humor every silly whim or pleasure he desires just to keep him happy. It's the least I could do for him after all the hurt I've put him through.
不过,这对我来说完全没问题,如果 Chuuya 想做整个俗气的情侣事情,那么这就是我们要做的。我会幽默他想要的每一个愚蠢的心血来潮或快乐,只是为了让他开心。这是我能为他做的最起码的事情,毕竟我让他经历了所有的伤害。

It started off fairly simple. He wanted us to take the time to go on actual dates, ones that complied with all the pomp that usually came with them. I enthusiastically agreed, I’d never be foolish enough to complain about getting to spend more time with him.

We’d pick a day we both had off from work, he’d set up the reservation to some place nice and I’d buy him pretty flowers on my way to his place. The date would go amazing, and we'd head back home where I’d attend to his body in the privacy of his bedroom.

Things were so lovely with him sometimes that I couldn't help but to grow to hate myself for ruining our chances of having this sooner. There's nothing I can do to change the past though, the only thing I can do now is strive to be better and make up for lost time. Chuuya always has to remind me of that fact.

Though we still have moments of doubt like those, it's nothing we can't work past anymore. Things were going better than either of us could have expected, and we had our own little version of love that was pretty close to the norm of any other regular couple. Going out on dates was proving to be helpful with mending what we lost, and it made me glad that Chuuya kept insisting for us to go to them regularly.
尽管我们仍然有这样的怀疑时刻,但没有什么是我们不能再克服的了。事情进展得比我们俩预期的要好,我们有自己的小版本的爱情,非常接近任何其他普通夫妻的规范。事实证明,出去约会有助于弥补我们失去的东西,这让我很高兴 Chuuya 一直坚持让我们定期去他们那里。

We don’t always have to go all out though; we can enjoy much more tamer things as well. Simpler things can be just as pleasurable, that's something he learned from me he says.

There was one time where I invited him to go watch a stupid action movie that I didn't even want to watch but I knew he’d enjoy. He was of course aware of my lack of interest seeing as I spent most of the movie staring at him instead, but he appreciated the gesture regardless.

There was another time when I left for work early to sneak into one of the mafia buildings and went up to his office with a bento box (I got Kunikida to teach me to make it) just so we could eat lunch together. I ended up getting in trouble, but Chuuya was so surprised by the act that I didn't really mind.

Sometimes we went to my place instead, and we’d spend the night in my cramped little agency funded apartment. It was a stark contrast to the luxury of Chuuya’s place, but I preferred things that way. I liked how much simpler things are with the agency. What little space they had given me was more than enough and while Chuuya would sometimes tease me about it, I knew he had grown to appreciate the cozier feel to it too.
有时我们会去我家,我们会在我狭窄的小机构资助的公寓里过夜。这与Chuuya的奢华形成了鲜明的对比,但我更喜欢这种方式。我喜欢该机构的事情要简单得多。他们给我的一点空间已经绰绰有余了,虽然 Chuuya 有时会取笑我,但我知道他也越来越喜欢这种舒适的感觉。

As much as we liked it though, it was still too risky for us to meet up at my place due to lack of privacy. We didn't want to cause any suspicion, so we stuck to mostly going over to Chuuya's. It took a lot of trial and error, but we were eventually able to settle into a routine that was perfect for us, one that wouldn't risk trouble with our respective organizations.

He loved all the effort I was putting into our relationship and how much I had worked to improve. We were both growing happy with what we had now.

But of course, given the type of people we are, it's impossible for us to be completely free of any issues. We can't always play the role of a happy couple, sometimes we end up reverting back to our old ways.

There were times when we accidentally happened to hurt each other in the heat of the moment, times when one of us would say something awful we didn't mean and the other would feel obligated to retaliate just as cruelly. It happens sometimes, neither of us were foolish enough to think that this would be a completely smooth ride.

That was another improvement we were able to make, we stopped expecting perfection from each other and gave us the chance to learn from our mistakes. All that matters now is that we stay and try to solve the problem together this time.

Sometimes our fights weren't always so harsh though. Sometimes all they were was meaningless issues that went by as quickly as they came. And Chuuya wanted us to be like normal couples, so it was only fitting if we also had the same normal problems they would have.
不过,有时我们的争吵并不总是那么激烈。有时,它们只是毫无意义的问题,它们来得快。Chuuya 希望我们像正常夫妻一样,所以只有当我们也有他们也会遇到的正常问题时,这才合适。

Silly things like someone forgetting to wash the dishes when it was their turn, and not being able to agree on what movie to watch for the night, or where to go eat. Moments where we found ourselves saying things like “No, I left the keys right where I told you, you just didn't look well enough” or “You look fine, can we please just go already?”.

Typical mundane problems that would drive anyone else insane with annoyance but would never fail to make us unreasonably happy. Because this was the kind of thing Chuuya was striving for with that list, to someday have our biggest problems be nothing more than petty disagreements.

It's better than the viciousness we used to force out of each other back when we were both too young to know how to communicate our grievances properly. Luckily, most of the problems we found ourselves having now were much more manageable and usually didn't last very long.


There was one particular miscommunication we had recently that while it wasn't enough to completely undo all the work we put in, it still put a slight dent in our relationship for longer than we would have liked. And unsurprisingly I was mainly the one responsible for it.

The issue in question was just an honest blunder on my part. I had somehow misinterpreted what exactly Chuuya was asking from me when we were talking about our relationship and what things were going to change.
有问题的问题只是我的一个诚实的错误。当我们谈论我们的关系以及事情将要改变时,我不知何故误解了 Chuuya 对我的要求。

From the way he spoke, I was under the impression that he wanted me to make amends. That all these requirements and rules he meticulously went over were just some of the things I would have to do in order for him to forgive me, that this was how I could make reparations. Not that I would've had a problem if this was true, I was the one who needed to fix things, Chuuya had done nothing that would warrant me asking for as much in return.
从他说话的方式来看,我的印象是他希望我弥补。他一丝不苟地检查了所有这些要求和规则,这些只是我必须做的一些事情,以便他原谅我,这就是我可以做出赔偿的方式。如果这是真的,我不会有问题,我是需要解决问题的人,Chuuya 没有做任何事情来保证我要求那么多的回报。

Looking back at it though, it makes a lot more sense why he would get annoyed anytime I tried to deter him from giving me too much attention. I thought I was doing good in reminding myself not to ask for too much, and by pushing him away whenever he tried to reciprocate the amount of care I would give him. His frustration confused me, and I didn't even realize I was doing anything wrong in the first place. It wasn't until I offhandedly admitted when I was half asleep, the reason why I was acting that way, that he finally knocked some sense into me. Quite literally too.


“Get it. through your. fucking. head. you dumbass. piece of. shit.” Chuuya punctuated his words with a hard smack of a pillow to my head.

He stops for a moment and just stays sitting there between my legs, glaring at me before letting out a deep exhale. Whether it's from exhaustion or just pure anger, I'm not entirely sure, nor do I care right now. I'm much too busy trying to cover my face with my arms to protect my poor head from his relentless hits.

“I'm not the only one who's allowed to be on the receiving end of all this! And don't fucking laugh, I’m serious! If I drilled that conversation into your head, it was because I wanted you to understand that you have to let me love you in return too. That means I get to coddle you all I want and treat you well just as much as you do to me! Relationships aren't supposed to be one sided you dumb. fucking. Idiot. Let me love you back you prick!”

More hits were thrown along the yelling and after he made sure I understood this time, we fell back into bed and went to sleep in each other's arms.


And so that was that. Chuuya put a stop to my stupidity, and I did my best to fix my misunderstanding. It should've been easy now that I actually knew what I was doing wrong.

Except that it wasn't, not at all. In fact, it was probably the hardest thing he could have asked of me.

The groveling and bootlicking I could do, no matter how pitiful that might sound. If it was for Chuuya, I could do almost anything without complaint.

Letting myself be cared for though? It's impossible, the guilt I would get from it is just too much for me to handle.

I've been a cruel demon for too long, much longer than I've ever been kind, so I'm simply undeserving of such care. Especially not from the hands of someone I've wronged so many times before. No amount of time in the light would make up for all the atrocities I've committed. Therefore, I can't allow myself to accept too much kindness from him, or from anyone really.

Chuuya is quite the stubborn one though and he wouldn't take no for an answer. So then I found myself trying to change the way I was used to thinking again.

“You have to let me love you in return too, ” he said.

Well, that's easier said than done.

I’m not ready to be loved, not in the way he wanted to love me. I thought I was, but I'm starting to realize that it was going to be a lot more different than what I originally thought that would entail. I would have to expose myself to being even more vulnerable than I already felt and let him treat me as gently as I’ve been treating him. I have my work cut out for me, but nevertheless I'll continue to try for him.

And now that's landed me here, standing in the middle of my room and staring at a red gift bag on my futon that's riddled with pink hearts at the front. It wasn't there this morning, and I knew he was going to be pretty busy all afternoon, so he must've snuck in here to drop it off soon after I left for work.

It's just a bag, and whatever is inside will be completely harmless, I know that.

And yet, just looking at it has my heart pounding erratically. With how fearfully I was watching the stupid thing you almost wouldn't believe that I was once a feared mafia executive.

I refuse to be bested by something so foolish though, so I begin heading towards it slowly. Hesitantly, I lower myself down on my knees in front of it and notice that there's a tag on the handle which I flip open with the same weariness anyone else would use when confronting a bomb.

“Happy Valentines Day Fuckface


My Chibi has quite the way with words, doesn't he?

I continue on, taking the bag in my hands and carefully peeling off the tape keeping it shut. I stare at the tissue paper that's peeking out from the top and can't help but to snicker at the mental image of Chuuya Nakahara, fearsome gravity manipulator and mafia executive, waiting in line at the store to buy tissue paper of all things. Because I doubt he would have made one of his grunts go out of their way just to do something like that for him, he has too much pride for that.

My fingers take their time pulling out the decorative tissue and setting it next to me on the floor. For a moment I genuinely contemplate just shoving the bag in my closet and pretending like I never saw it but the thought makes me feel rather melodramatic, so I decide to just get it over with as soon as possible.

I’ll just reach in and take out whatever the hell Chuuya has brought me and be done. Simple.

Ok, I can do this.




Go, do it now!

I shove my hand inside the bag and pull out its contents in one swoop then drop it down on the bed as if it physically pained me to touch.

There, I did it!

One problem though.

My eyes were closed the whole time and I was too busy panicking to pay attention to what I was holding. I still have no idea what was in the bag.

Dammit, why is this so hard?

It's just a gift, and one from my beloved Chibi no less, how could anything he has to give me possibly be worthy of being met with anything other than delight? I've taken punches from him with less apprehension than this, what makes receiving a gift from him so difficult?

Letting out a sigh, I try to get over myself and force my eyes to open enough to at least get a peek. All I can manage to see is a blur of something red and round. Curiously, I pry my eyes open, and they immediately widen involuntarily.

On top of the bed, thrown haphazardly on top of the covers, laid a plush red crab with beady looking eyes and a heart at the center of its stomach, the corny phrase “clawsome” splayed right above it in all caps.

If anyone were to ask me what I did right then, I would tell them that I, Dazai Osamu, former mafia executive titled the Demon Prodigy from the ripe age of fifteen, did not of course let out a gasp of pure glee. I also definitely didn't immediately jerk my hands forward to clutch at the gift and press it against my chest. And obviously my eyes didn’t light up just from staring at it in my arms. Nope, nothing of the sort happened at all.

I stay there for a moment, just squeezing the stupid thing against me and pressing my cheek on top of it. My eyes wander over the bed where the gift bag lays with something else peeking from the opening. With the plush still in my hands, I lean myself forward and glance over it.

It looks like a box. One of my hands goes to pull the bag towards me so I can take out whatever else is left. I pull out a heart shaped box filled with caramel filled chocolates, my favorites, and a red card with gold lettering. I snort at the cheesy message at the front and flip it open to where I find a paragraph in Chuuya's familiar scratchy handwriting.

“Hope you had a wonderful day at work today baby, I bet your stupid ass was probably freaking out over the gift for no reason huh? But there's nothing to worry about, see? Just something I saw that reminded me of you.

Figured he could also keep you warm whenever I can't fall asleep next to you, but he better not end up replacing me or I'll rip the stuffing outta him alright?

Anyways I hope you like your gift, and I'll see you tonight when I'm done with work ok? Love you mackerel, and make sure to eat you idiot, I'll know if you didn't.”

My face hurts from how hard I'm trying not to smile while I read through it, Chuuya knows me so well. The way my heart stutters at the thought of seeing him soon makes me feel like I’m no better than a schoolgirl who’s crush just promised her an outing. I might as well be kicking my feet in the air and twirling my hair.
我的脸很痛,因为我在读完它时努力不笑,Chuuya 太了解我了。一想到很快就要见到他,我的心就结结巴巴,这让我觉得我并不比一个暗恋的女学生好多少,她刚刚答应她去郊游。我还不如在空中踢脚,捻头发。

How foolish of me to ever think to be afraid of this.

I look over at the clock next to my bed which reads 5:14 p.m.

It’ll still be a while before he gets off work, so I decide to lay down for a bit before taking a shower. My hand shoves the bag and tissue to the floor, making a mental note to properly throw it away later just in case Kunikida decides to barge in to drag me out again. I’d rather not risk making anyone suspicious yet and despite how much he denies it, Kunikida is just as much a gossip as the rest of the agency.

The chocolate box and card get placed right next to my futon and the plush stays clutched in my arms. I maneuver my body so that I can lay down on my side right over the covers and tuck the crab under my chin. The fabric is soft and velvety against my skin, I unconsciously begin to trace the tips of my fingers all over it. Having its warmth against my chest starts making me feel rather sleepy, and I end up falling asleep by accident.

I'm eventually stirred awake by the feeling of soft kisses being pressed all over my face and gloveless fingers threading gently through my hair. The rich scent of expensive cologne fills my nose as he hovers over me. My eyes flutter open to look at my intruder who is now staring down at me from where he's crouched beside the futon, a fond smile pulling at his lips.

“Have a nice nap?”

Chuuya speaks the words so gently, almost like he's afraid that if he raises his voice too much, I’ll end up shattering into a million irreparable pieces. I think the soft tone is more likely to break me instead.

There's a nice warmth to the way he loves me, I can feel it floating deep in my chest, but the lingering remorse still remains present at the back of my mind. And I’ve always been one to prioritize thinking with my head rather than my heart. As happy as his sweet gestures made me earlier, I find myself over thinking yet again.

My inner turmoil must be showing on my face since Chuuya's eyebrows are now scrunching down in concern. I don't want tonight to be wasted on mulling over my issues, so I give him a reassuring smile to let him know that I’m ok. He accepts it after some hesitance and leans forward to give me another kiss, this time on my lips.

“Wanna go to dinner still or should we just skip all that and stay here instead?” his mouth is still hovering over mine as he speaks, making it hard for me to focus on what he's saying.

“Hmm... What about our reservations?” I murmur against his lips.

“You're not even ready dumbass, we can just skip it if you're tired.” I can feel the way his mouth shifts to an amused smile.

I move my own to form a pout. “But Chuuya loves going all out on days like these.”

“We don't have to. S’not like I need any fancy dinners anyway, I have something much more appetizing right here.” he smirks and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.
“我们不必这样做。反正我不需要任何华丽的晚餐,我这里有更开胃的东西。 他傻笑着把一根头发塞到我的耳后。

My head pulls back as I let out a scandalized gasp. “Chuuya's such a pervert!”

He rolls his eyes at my reaction. “Whatever dickhead, like you’re any better.”

I give him a cheeky grin in response which pulls out a small laugh from him. His eyes then trail down at the plush still laying against my chest and raises an eyebrow.

“Already taking my place huh?”

I stick my tongue out at him and clutch it tighter. “He’s much softer than Chuuya, who's too muscly for me to cuddle now. He should've stayed all tiny and squishy like a little plushie too.”

Chuuya lets out a groan. “That again? Complain all you want, but it's not like you had a problem with me being “muscly” the other day when I w- UMPH.” The last of what he was about to say gets muffled as I shove the plush into his face.

“Nope! Lies, that never happened!”

Chuuya scrambles to pry the crab away from his face and shoves it back towards my chest. He glares at me for a second then pushes himself up from the floor. My eyes follow him as he makes his way around the futon to lay down next to me. I turn over so that I'm facing him again, the crab plush now squished between us.

We stay like that for a moment, our eyes dragging over each other in silence. I have the urge to touch his skin with my hands, to trace the lines of his face with my fingers so I can commit every little detail to memory. He ends up beating me to it though. My breath stills as his hand moves up to lay against my cheek, his thumb making slow caresses under the skin of my eye, the same one I used to cover up with bandages.

Chuuya’s giving me that look again, one that's softer than I feel deserving of, and it makes me feel uncharacteristically shy. The sudden need to hide is itching at my skin, but I won't succumb to it. I don't have any reason to be afraid of Chuuya.

I lay my hand over his wrist, silently granting him permission to keep it there for as long as he pleases. He recognizes the sign of trust and goes to show his gratitude with another kiss, only to be blocked by the plush that is still trapped between our chests.

At the sound of him smacking his teeth, I pull the crab up to my chin to hide my laughter. It's no use though, Chuuya has told me before that the slight scrunch at the corner of my eyes always gives my amusement away, though he's probably the only one who is able to notice a tell like that.

“Don't fucking laugh at me. I don't care if I just gave it to you, I'm seriously gonna throw that thing out. Shit’s starting to piss me off.” He shifts around on the covers to get closer to me, his hand moving between us to grasp the plush and fling it to the side.

I let out a gasp then immediately sputter out a fit of laughter.

“Nooo my gift! Someone special gave that to me you brute! How could you throw Saku out like that?!” I speak between giggles.

Chuuya takes advantage of the freed-up space and moves even closer, his arm circling over my waist to pull me forward. “Whatever man I warned you both… wait, Saku? You already named that thing?”

The affronted look on his face pulls once last chuckle out of me. “Yup. He’s already my favorite so you can't be mean to him, okay? He's veeery special, more than Chuuya.” I tease.

“Man, fuck Saku. I don't give a shit who he thinks he is, he’ll never take my spot.” He ignores my offended gasp and nestles into my neck, pressing a quick peck under my chin before he does.

“Chuuyaaa! You can't be seriously jealous of a plush.”

His only response is a series of unintelligible grumbles that vibrate against my chest. His hand against my back feels a little more possessive than necessary. I stay quiet for a second before hesitantly speaking again in a lower tone.

“There are different ways to be special to someone silly, and I have plenty of space. Chuuya and Saku can both fit next to me, I promise.” My head burrows down into his chest. “Don’t make me feel like I have to choose.” I can feel his body going tense against mine.
“对一个傻子来说,有不同的方式可以变得特别,我有足够的空间。我保证,Chuuya 和 Saku 都可以坐在我旁边。我的头钻进了他的胸膛。“不要让我觉得我必须做出选择。”我能感觉到他的身体紧绷着我的身体。

Chuuya knows me well enough to sense the underlying meaning in my words. As nervous as it makes me, it’s still something that needs to be said. Something that I’ve been wanting to say for a while actually, because the more time I spent with him, the more I realized that there was still an aching in my own heart that had been needing to be healed just as badly Chuuya’s did.

Because things weren't always as one sided as they seemed.

I know Chuuya is still hurt by all the things I’ve done to him. I know that there's moments where even the love he holds for me isn't enough to forget the pain he felt when I left without sparing him a word. I don't blame him for feeling that way at all.

But like me, Chuuya also had his faults. As sparse as they seem compared to my own, he has his own share of regrets, times where he curses his younger self for being so insensitive and cruel.

Back then, he never shied away from treating me with contempt, or ridiculing me for my lack of empathy despite the amount of evidence that pointed to our boss as the main cause of it.

Like everyone else, he simply averted his eyes, put his loyalty to the boss above anything else and made me out to be the unreasonable one. It was easier to think that I was the only one to blame for the way I acted. It didn't matter how obvious I was in my misery, or how uneasy that man seemed to make me, he still bowed down to Mori all the same. I get why it was so easy to brush aside, especially considering how I used to act, but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

There were also the countless times he had disregarded my attempts to die as nothing more than an unsavory joke I loved to play, just me being annoyingly dramatic as usual. Forget all the bandages I constantly wrapped myself in, or the bone deep exhaustion that I would sometimes fail to hide in my voice. Even with all that, Chuuya still somehow believed that I was only ever messing around.

He seemed to think of me as so inhuman that the notion of me actually needing help never crossed his mind, and he hated me for what he couldn't bring himself to understand. To him, I was everything he never wanted to be, something he needed to keep at a distance to lessen the chance of me tainting him with my hollowness.

The more time I spent in the mafia and made my way up in that underground hierarchy, the more inhuman and isolated I felt. The lack of understanding of that from other people made it hard for me to connect and care for them the way Chuuya could, and it led to him despising me for it.
我在黑手党呆的时间越长,在地下等级制度中越往上爬,我就越感到不人道和孤立。其他人对此缺乏理解,使我很难像 Chuuya 那样联系和照顾他们,这导致他因此鄙视我。

But how could I possibly bring myself to care about people who only ever saw me as the demon Mori had molded me to be? Why would I have any sympathy for them when they would cower away in fear just at the sight of me standing near them, all while treating the person who did this to me with nothing but respect?

Everything bundled up into the frightful pile of mess I had become, and that mess is all anyone ever seemed to see in me. It made me feel like no amount of pain I felt would ever be enough for my suffering to be taken seriously, that it wasn't even worth voicing how much I truly ached. I’d still only be a demon in their eyes, and no one would ever think to wonder what I had gone through to even reach that state.

I had plenty of reasons to leave the mafia, that’s something Chuuya never seemed to notice, but Odasaku had, and that’s why he told me to leave.

He knew just how deep the desolation I harbored went because he had once experienced a similar one too. Odasaku understood that I didn't genuinely desire to be so cruel, it was just the only thing I was ever thought to be. He too at some point believed that he'd never see the lighter side of life, that it wasn't even an option he could consider.

He was the same as me.

No one had ever looked at me and told me that things didn't need to be that way, that the light could shine for me too if I let it. And then when someone finally did, they ended up dead in my arms shortly after.

He was the only person who didn't mind spending time with me, the only one who never looked at me with contempt, even while knowing of the things I’ve done. To him, I wasn't some unfeeling demon, I was a child that had been wandering alone in the dark for too long. He was patient enough to put up with my nonsense and was kind to me in ways no one in my life had ever been and it hurt immensely to lose him.

Odasaku had become important to me, more than Chuuya, and I ended up putting his dying wish above everything else. Even what me and Chuuya had as partners wasn't enough of a reason for me to stay anymore, and that doesn’t make me cruel. It doesn't mean that I don't care for Chuuya at all, it's just a different kind of care. The kind that I wasn't willing to stay behind for, because my reasons for leaving the mafia ran deeper than just wanting to follow my friends wishes and a relationship that was prone to so much conflict wasn't going to hold me back from being free from it all.

It's not like Chuuya didn't have people he was close to as well, in fact he had more than I ever did, and he always seemed to have no issue in choosing them over me.

I'm not as unfeeling as Chuuya had wanted to convince himself I was. I am capable and just as deserving as anyone else to have more than one person I hold dear, just like him.

Odasaku was special to me, and I was always going to choose him first, but Chuuya is special too. I can make room in my heart for him too. It wouldn't be fair to force me to choose.

“M’sorry. I’ll get over it, I swear.”

My hands clutch at the front of his shirt from where they're trapped between our bodies. I turn my head up so I can meet his eyes.

Nothing else needs to be said.

I close the space between us and lean forward. The kiss we share ends up lasting longer this time.

Both of us have been through so much, whether while apart from each other or close by, our lives have always been far from easy. There's still so much that we have yet to fully heal from, so much pain we haven't even acknowledged, but neither of us have to do it alone now.

Chuuya will eventually learn not to resent me so much for needing to leave like I did, and I’ll forgive him for all the things he failed to understand in the past.
Chuuya 最终会学会不再像我一样因为需要离开而怨恨我,我会原谅他过去无法理解的所有事情。

I’ll continue to mend away at all the damage I inflicted and try to bear my heart open to give him the vulnerability he had been longing for all this time.

There’ll come a day where the love we hold for each other will be enough to completely forget our past mistakes.

We will continue to change, not just for each other but for our own sake. One day we'll be able to forgive everything that hurt us, even ourselves.

Our lips part eventually, and Chuuya's eyes lock onto mine. He takes a hard look at me then slightly furrows his brows, face looking oddly resolute.

Right as I'm about to open my mouth to question him, he suddenly heaves himself up so that he's leaning over my stomach. I can feel his arm reaching for something behind me, his other hand laying gently over my hip for leverage. When he finally settles himself back next to me, I notice that the crab plush is now grasped in his hand.

I can't help but smile at the gesture. It's such a silly thing to be this happy about, but the small action still means a lot to me.

Chuuya settles the plush back into my arms and moves as close to me as he can, his legs tangling with mine. I scoot myself even closer, tucking the plush into my stomach so that there's less distance between us. My arm extends so that it wraps over Chuuya as well, fingers moving to grip the back of his shirt, a small reassurance that I don't plan on moving away anytime soon.

There’s enough space for us to kiss comfortably now, but neither of us go for it. For now, he seems perfectly content with just taking me in with his eyes, and I'm fine with letting him do it. I don't really mind the softness in them as much anymore.

“I never thanked you, did I?” I say quietly.

Chuuya stills the hand he had been using to thumb at the sliver of skin my risen shirt had exposed. “For?”

“...The gift.”

“The gift?”


Chuuya stays quiet for a moment, taking my words in. He must sense that something else is there. Of course he does, Chuuya knows me best after all.

“...You’re welcome.” his fingers move against my side. “Thanks for the flowers.”
“...不客气。 他的手指在我身边移动。“谢谢你的花。”

He found the gift I left for him at his office then. Though I know that's not all he’s thanking me for either.

“You're welcome.”

Another moment passes, and he continues the movement of his thumb against my skin. Mine continues to grip idly at his shirt. The closeness combined with the warmth from the plush being pressed against my stomach, it's enough to lull me back to sleep.

I exchange “I love you’s” with Chuuya before exhaustion is able to take me again.

As I slowly succumb to sleep, I find myself thinking that I'm glad our goodbyes aren't filled with as much hate as they were before. How funny that I can say a sweet thing like “I love you” as a farewell now, it’s a vast improvement from the bomb I used in place of a proper goodbye last time.

I’d feel guilty at the thought, but Chuuya's loving gestures against my skin are stronger than my self depreciation this time, and I end up slipping away to sleep with the feeling of Chuuya's love casting a warmth over my heart instead.

And Chuuya, I know, will rest assured with the fact that I’ll still be in his arms when he wakes.

What lovely gifts we have given each other, the peace of normalcy and the warmth of compassion. We must look every bit the happy normal couple lying here together.


btw this is the plush chuuya got for him
顺便说一句,这是 Chuuya 为他买的毛绒玩具

now i gotta focus on writing the next chapter for the nana one🏃

ty for reading pookies
TY 用于阅读 pookies