His Politeness Is Her Powerlessness
他的礼貌是她的无能为力
Deborah Tannen
黛博拉·坦宁
1 There are many different kinds of evidence that women and men are judged differently even if they talk the same way. This tendency makes mischief in discussions of women, men and power. If a linguistic strategy is used by a woman, it is seen as powerless; if it is used by a man, it is seen as powerful. Often, the labeling of “women’s language” as “powerless language” reflects the view of women’s behavior through the lens of men’s.
1有许多不同种类的证据表明,即使女性和男性的说话方式相同,他们也会受到不同的评价。这种倾向在关于女性、男性和权力的讨论中制造了恶作剧。如果女性使用一种语言策略,它就会被视为无能为力;如果它由男性使用,则被视为强大。通常,将 “女性语言 ”贴上 “无权无力的语言 ”的标签反映了通过男性的镜头对女性行为的看法。
2 Because they are not struggling to be one-up, women often find themselves framed as one-down. Any situation is ripe for misinterpretation. This ambiguity accounts for much misinterpretation by experts as well as nonexperts, by which women’s ways of thinking, uttered in a spirit of rapport, are branded powerless. Nowhere is this inherent ambiguity clearer than in a brief comment in a newspaper article in which a couple, both psychologists, were jointly interviewed. The journalist asked them the meaning of “being very polite.” The two experts responded simultaneously, giving different answers. The man said, “Subservience.” The woman said, “Sensitivity.”Both experts were right, but each was describing the view of a different gender.
2因为她们没有努力成为 one-up,所以女性经常发现自己被塑造成 one-down。任何情况都有可能被误解。这种模棱两可的原因导致了专家和非专家的许多误解,女性的思维方式,本着融洽的精神说出,被贴上了无能为力的标签。这种内在的歧义在一篇报纸文章的简短评论中最为明显,其中一对夫妇(都是心理学家)接受了联合采访。记者问他们“非常有礼貌。“两位专家同时回答,给出了不同的答案。男人说:“顺从。“那个女人说,”敏感。“两位专家都是对的,但每个人都在描述不同性别的观点。
3 Experts and nonexperts alike tend to see anything women do as evidence of powerlessness. The same newspaper article quotes another psychologist as saying, “A man might ask a woman, ‘Will you please go to the store?’ where a woman might say, ‘Gee, I really need a few things from the store, but I’m so tired.’” The woman’s style is called “covert,” a term suggesting negative qualities like being “sneaky” and “underhanded.” The reason offered for this is power. The woman doesn’t feel she has the right to ask directly.
3专家和非专家都倾向于将女性所做的任何事情视为无权无势的证据。“ 同一篇报纸文章引用另一位心理学家的话说:”一个男人可能会问一个女人,你能不能去商店? 一个女人可能会说,哎呀,我真的需要从商店买一些东西,但我太累了。'“ 女性的风格被称为 ”隐蔽“,这个词暗示着 ”鬼鬼祟祟 “和 ”卑鄙 “等负面品质。“这样做的原因是权力。这位女士觉得她没有权利直接询问。
4 Granted, women have lower status than men in our American society. But this is not necessarily why they prefer not to make outright demands. The explanation for a woman’s indirectness could just as well be her seeking connection. If you get your way as a result of having demanded it, the payoff is satisfying in terms of status: You’re one-up because others are doing as you told them. But if you get your way because others happened to want the same thing, or because they offered freely, the payoff is rapport. You’re neither one-up nor one-down by being happily connected to others whose wants are the same as yours. Furthermore, if indirectness is understood by both parties, then there is nothing covert about it: That a request is being made is clear. Calling an indirect communication covert reflects the view of someone for whom the direct style seems “natural” and “logical” - a view more common among men.
4诚然,在我们的美国社会中,女性的地位低于男性。但这并不一定是他们不愿意提出直接要求的原因。对女性间接性的解释也可能是她寻求联系。如果你因为要求而如愿以偿,那么就地位而言,回报是令人满意的:你之所以领先,是因为其他人都按照你的要求去做。但是,如果你如愿以偿,因为其他人碰巧想要同样的东西,或者因为他们免费提供,那么回报就是融洽的关系。你既不是一人一人,也不是一人人,因为你很高兴地与你的愿望相同。此外,如果双方都理解间接性,那么它就没有什么隐蔽的:正在提出的请求是明确的。将间接通信称为隐蔽的反映了某人的观点,即直接风格似乎“自然”和“合乎逻辑”——这种观点在男性中更为常见。
5 Indirectness itself does not reflect powerlessness. It’s easy to think of situations where indirectness is the prerogative of others in power. For example, a wealthy couple who knows that their servants will do their bidding need not give direct orders, but simply state wishes: The woman of the house says, “It’s chilly in here,” and the servant sets about raising the temperature. The man of the house says, “It’s dinner time,” and the servant sees about having dinner served. Perhaps the ultimate indirectness is getting someone to do something without saying anything at all: The hostess rings a bell and a maid brings the next course;or a parent enters the room where children are misbehaving and stands with hands on hips, and the children immediately stop what they’re doing.
5间接性本身并不反映无力感。很容易想到间接性是其他当权者特权的情况。例如,一对富有的夫妇知道他们的仆人会听从他们的命令,他们不需要直接下达命令,而只需陈述愿望:房子的女人说,“这里很冷”,仆人开始提高温度。家里的男人说,“晚餐时间到了”,仆人看到晚餐已经上桌了。也许最终的间接性是让某人做某事,什么都不说:女主人按铃,女仆带来下一道菜;或者父母进入孩子行为不端的房间,双手叉腰站着,孩子立即停止他们正在做的事情。
6 Entire cultures operate on elaborate systems of indirectness. For example, I discovered in a small research project that most Greeks assumed a wife who asked, “Would you like to go to the party?” was hinting that she wanted to go. They felt that she wouldn’t bring it up if she didn’t want to go. Furthermore, they felt, she would not state here preference outright because that would sound like a demand. Indirectness was the appropriate means for communicating her preference.
6整个文化都建立在精心设计的间接系统上运作。例如,我在一个小型研究项目中发现,大多数希腊人都假设妻子问:“你想去参加派对吗?“暗示她想去。他们觉得,如果她不想去,她就不会提起这件事。此外,他们觉得,她不会在这里直接说明偏好,因为那听起来像是一种要求。间接是传达她偏好的适当方式。
7 Japanese culture has developed indirectness to a fine art. For example, a Japanese anthropologist, Harumi Befu, explains the delicate exchange of tended the invitation, Befu first had to determine whether it was meant literally or just pro forma, much as an American might say, “We’ll have to have you over for dinner some time” but would not expect you to turn up at the door. Having decided the invitation was meant literally and having accepted, Befu was then asked what he would like to eat. Following custom, he said anything would do, but his friend, also following custom, pressed him to specify. Host and guest repeated this exchange an appropriate number of times, until Befu deemed it polite to answer the question - politely - by saying tea over rice - as the last course of a sumptuous meal. Befu was not surprised by the feast because he knew that protocol required it. Had he been given what he asked for, he would have been insulted. But protocol also required that he make a great show of being surprised.
7日本文化已经间接地发展成为一门艺术。例如,日本人类学家 Harumi Befu 解释了这种微妙的邀请交换,Befu 首先必须确定它是字面上的意思还是只是形式上的意思,就像美国人可能会说的那样,“我们得请你吃晚饭一段时间”,但不会指望你出现在门口。在确定邀请是字面意思并接受了邀请后,Befu 被问到他想吃什么。按照惯例,他说什么都可以,但他的朋友也按照惯例,催促他具体说明。主人和客人适当地重复了这番交流,直到贝夫认为礼貌地回答这个问题是礼 貌的——说茶饭加米饭——作为一顿丰盛大餐的最后一道菜。 贝夫对这场盛宴并不感到惊讶,因为他知道礼仪要求这样做。如果他得到了他所要求的东西,他就会受到侮辱。但礼仪也要求他做出一个大惊喜的表演。
8 This account of mutual indirectness in a lunch invitation may strike Americans as excessive. But far more cultures in the world use elaborate systems of indirectness than value directness. Only modern Western societies place a priority on direct communication, and even for us it is more a value than a practice.
8这种在午餐邀请中相互间接的说法可能会让美国人觉得过分。但世界上更多的文化使用复杂的间接性系统,而不是重视直接性。只有现代西方社会优先考虑直接交流,即使对我们来说,它也更像是一种价值而不是一种实践。
9 Evidence from other cultures also makes it clear that indirectness does not itself reflect low status. Rather, our assumptions about the status of women compel us to interpret anything they do as reflecting low status. Anthropologist Elinor Keenan, for example, found that in a Malagasy-speaking village on the island of Madagascar, it is women who are direct and men who are indirect. And the villagers see the men’s indirect way of speaking, using metaphors and proverbs, as the better way. For them, indirectness, like the men who use it, has high status. They regard women’s direct style as clumsy and crude, debasing the beautiful subtlety of men’s language. Whether women or men are direct or indirect differs; what remains constant is that women’s style is negatively valuated - seen as lower in status than the men’s.
9来自其他文化的证据也清楚地表明,间接性本身并不反映低地位。相反,我们对女性地位的假设迫使我们将她们所做的任何事情解释为反映低地位。例如,人类学家埃莉诺·基南 (Elinor Keenan) 发现,在马达加斯加岛上一个讲马达加斯加语的村庄里,女性是直接的,男性是间接的。村民们认为这些人间接地说话,使用隐喻和谚语,是更好的方式。对他们来说,间接性,就像使用它的人一样,具有很高的地位。他们认为女性的直接风格笨拙粗鲁,贬低了男性语言的美丽微妙。女性或男性是直接或间接的差异;不变的是,女性的风格受到了负面评价——被视为地位低于男性。