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slight wording changes. However, the final list should contain all of the ideas so that each student sees the ideas he/she contributed. After some discussion to clarify any items that are not clear to a student, the teacher signs the agreement and invites the class to help remind him/her if he/she forgets. The teacher then invites each class member to sign, also with the understanding that if he/she forgets, another student or teacher will provide him/her with a gentle reminder. The signed agreement is then posted in the classroom and referred to frequently at first, and as needed throughout the year.
The Discipline That Restores (DTR) flow chart suggests that teachers use their usual constructive reminders first; and if the student does not respond, then ask if he/she still intends to keep the respect agreement. If the respect agreement invitation and reminder does not modify the behavior, the DTR flow chart provides several next steps that are consistent with restorative justice principles, and will increase accountability as needed.
恢復性紀律(DTR)流程圖建議教師先使用其慣用的建設性提醒;如果學生沒有回應,則詢問他/她是否仍打算遵守尊重協議。如果 "尊重協議 "邀請和提醒沒有改變學生的行為,"恢復紀律 "流程圖提供了幾個符合恢復性司法原則的下一步步驟,並將根據需要加強問責。
*Used by permission from Discipline That Restores by Ron and Roxanne Claassen, ②2008. BookSurge Publishing, SC
*經羅恩-克勞森和羅克珊-克勞森許可使用,②2008 年。南卡羅來納州圖書激流出版公司

I-message or I-statement

In interpersonal communication, an I-message or I-statement is an assertion about the feelings, beliefs, values etc. of the person speaking, generally expressed as a sentence beginning with the word " ", and is contrasted with a "you-message" or "you-statement", which often begins with the word "you" and focuses on the person spoken to. Thomas Gordon coined the term "I message" in the 1960s while doing play therapy with children. He added the concept to his book for parents, P.E.T.: Parent Effectiveness Training (1970)[1][2] I-messages are often used with the intent to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. They are also used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than implying that they are caused by another person. An example of this would be to say: "I really am getting backed up on my work since I don't have the financial report yet," rather than: "you didn't finish the financial report on time!" (The latter is an example of a "you-statement"). [3]
在人際溝通中,"我的信息"或"我的陳述"是對說話者的情感、信仰、價值觀等的斷言,一般以" "開頭的句子來表達,與之相對的是"你的訊息"或"你的陳述",後者通常以"你"開頭,關注說話者。托馬斯-戈登在 20 世紀 60 年代對兒童進行遊戲治療時創造了 "我的信息 "一詞。他在為父母撰寫的《P.E.T.:父母效能訓練》(1970 年)一書中加入了這個概念[1][2]。 "我的信息 "經常被用來表達自己的主張,而不會讓聽者處於防禦狀態。它們也用來承擔自己的感受,而不是暗示這些感受是由他人造成的。舉個例子"因為我還沒拿到財務報告,所以我的工作真的有點忙不過來了",而不是"你沒有完成財務報告":而不是說:"你沒有按時完成財務報告!"(後者是"你陳述"的一個例子)。 [3]
I-messages or l-statements can also be used in constructive criticism. For instance, one might say, "I had to read that section of your paper three times before I understood it," rather than, "This section is worded in a confusing way," or "You need to learn how to word a paper more clearly." The former
在建設性批評中也可以使用 "我-資訊 "或 "我-陳述"。例如,可以說:"我不得不把你論文的這一部分讀了三遍才讀懂。"而不是說:"這一部分的措辭很混亂。"或者 "你需要學習如何更清楚地措辭。"前者

comment leaves open the possibility that the fault lies with the giver of the criticism. According to the Conflict Resolution Network, I-statements are a dispute resolution conversation opener that can be used to state how one sees things and how one would like things to be, without using inflaming language.
這樣的評論可能會讓人覺得錯在批評者。根據衝突解決網絡的說法,"我的陳述 "是一種解決爭端的對話開場白,可以用來陳述自己對事情的看法以及自己希望事情如何發展,而不會使用煽動性的語言。
While the underlying rationale and approach to I-messages is similar in various systems, there are both three-part and four-part models for constructing I-messages. A three-part model is proposed by the University of Tennessee Family & Consumer Sciences for improving communication with children:
雖然各種系統中 I-資訊的基本原理和方法相似,但有三段式和四段式兩種建構 I-資訊的模式。田納西大學家庭與消費者科學學院提出了一個由三個部分組成的模式,用於改善與兒童的溝通:
  1. I feel... (Insert feeling word)
  2. when... (tell what caused the feeling).
  3. I would like... (tell what you want to happen instead) According to Hope E. Morrow, a common pitfall in I-statement construction is using phrases like "I feel that..." or "I like that..." which typically express an opinion or judgment. Morrow favors following "I feel..." with a feeling such as "sad," "angry," happy, pleased, good, etc. [6]
    我想......(說說你希望發生什麼)霍普-E-莫羅認為,I 語句結構中的一個常見陷阱是使用"我覺得...... "或"我喜歡. ..... "這樣的片語,它們通常表達一種觀點或判斷。莫羅傾向於在 "我覺得...... "之後加上 "悲傷"、"憤怒"、"快樂"、"高興"、"好 "等感覺。 [6]
Gordon advises that to use an I-message successfully, there should be congruence between the words one is using and one's affect, tone of voice, facial expression and body language. Gordon also describes a 3-part I-message, called a "confrontive" I-message, with the following parts:
戈登建議,要成功地使用 "我的信息",所使用的詞語與個人的情感、語氣、面部表情和肢體語言之間應保持一致。戈登也介紹了一個由三部分組成的 I-訊息,稱為 "對抗性 "I-訊息,包括以下幾個部分:
  • non-blameful description of the listener's behavior
  • the effect of that behavior on the speaker
  • the speaker's feelings about that effect
He describes the I-message as an appeal for help from the other person, and states that the other person is more likely to respond positively when the message is presented in that way.
他將 "我 "的訊息描述為向對方求助,並指出當訊息以這種方式呈現時,對方更有可能做出積極回應。

Conflict resolution 解決衝突

If an "I" message contains "you-messages", it can be problematic in conflict situations. For example: "I feel..., when you..., and I want you to..." This can put the receiver of the statement on the defensive. In a dispute, use of a phrase
如果 "我 "的訊息包含 "你的訊息",在衝突情況下就會產生問題。例如"我覺得......,當你......,我希望你......"這會讓接受陳述的人處於守勢。在爭端中,使用短語

that begins with "I want" may encourage the parties to engage in positional problem solving. This may make conflicts more difficult to resolve. An "interest-based" approach to conflict resolution suggests using statements that reflect why the individual wants something.
以 "我想要 "開頭的表述可能會鼓勵雙方以立場解決問題。這可能會使衝突更難解決。以利益為基礎 "的衝突解決方法建議使用能夠反映個人為什麼想要某樣東西的陳述。
The goals of an "l" message in an interest-based approach:
基於興趣的方法中 "l "資訊的目標:
  • to avoid using "you" statements that will escalate the conflict
    避免使用會使衝突升級的 "你 "的說法
  • to respond in a way that will de-escalate the conflict
  • to identify feelings 確定感受
  • to identify behaviors that are causing the conflict
  • to help individuals resolve the present conflict and/or prevent future conflicts. []
    幫助個人解決當前衝突和/或預防未來衝突。 []
The Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management summarized this approach as follows: "A sender of a message can use a statement that begins with 'I' and expresses the sender's feelings, identifies the unwanted behavior, and indicates a willingness to resolve the dispute, without using 'you' statements or engaging in positional problem solving.[]
The Commission proposed a four-part I-message:
委員會提出了由四個部分組成的 I-資訊:
  1. "I feel like "我覺得
(taking responsibility for one's own feelings)
  1. "I don't like it when_.-"
(stating the behavior that is a problem)
  1. "because__._" "因為__._"
(what it is about the behavior or its consequences that one objects to)
  1. "Can we work this out together?"
(be open to working on the problem together).
Marital stability and relationship analysis researcher John Gottman notes that although I-statements are less likely than You-statements to be critical and to make the listener defensive, "you can also buck this general rule and come up with 'I' statements like 'I think you are selfish' that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start talking to your spouse in some stilted psychobabble. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you're feeling rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful."[9]


I-Messages are an integral part of the communication necessary to handle conflict using a cooperative response.
I-Message 是以合作應對方式處理衝突所需的溝通的一個組成部分。


  • Are assertive messages that accept ownership and responsibility?
"My reason for talking to you is to improve our class time and our relationship. I get frustrated and lose my concentration when I am interrupted. I would prefer not to be interrupted until after I finish the task on which I am concentrating."


  • Are occasionally very helpful in preserving safety or preventing chaos.
"Fire! Leave the room now like we have practiced in our fire drills."
  • Are often aggressive put-down messages that judge or make demands on others.
"Don't interrupt. You ought to know better."


  • Communicate something about the speaker. They often include a brief description of what happened and how the speaker experienced it (both facts and feelings).
"My reason for talking to you is so we can better understand each other. Yesterday, when you suddenly walked out while we were talking, I was really confused and sad because I thought we had agreed to try to work through our conflict. I would prefer that no one walks out on the other and that we stay with the conversation until we both decide it has been solved."
  • I-Messages don't elicit defensive responses because they focus on the experience of the speaker.
    I-訊息 "不會引起防禦性反應,因為它們關注的是說話者的經驗。
  • I-Messages elicit change because they effectively communicate the impact of the other's action, leaving judgment and the decision to change with the listener.
"My reason for talking to you is so I won't feel afraid when we are going somewhere together. When you drive so fast, I am really afraid we're going to get into an accident. I would prefer that you would slow down if I let you know I am afraid."
  • I-Messages elicit I-Messages in return because, having heard the impact on the speaker, the listener wants to communicate how s/he experienced the situation.
    I-Message 會引起 I-Message 的回報,因為聽者在聽到對說話者的影響後,希望傳達他/她是如何經歷這種情況的。
"My reason for talking with you is to improve how our meetings go. I was really upset when I was ignored in the meeting yesterday. I would prefer that I not be ignored so I have a chance to say what I want to say."
"I was ignoring you because I thought you were about to say something you would regret. I guess that is not really my place, I won't ignore you in our meetings."
"我不理你是因為我以為你要說些讓你後悔的話。我想這不是我的職責所在 我不會在我們的會議上不理你的"
  • I-Messages involve more than just learning a skill. By using I-Messages, the speaker accepts ownership of the problem.
    I-Message 所涉及的不僅僅是學習一種技能。透過使用 "我-資訊",發言者接受了問題的所有權。
You Message: "You'd better do your homework or you'll be in trouble."
I Message: "My reason for talking with you is to be sure you do well in class. When I don't get homework, I'm worried because I have no way of knowing if you are progressing in your learning. I am here to help learning. I'd like to arrange a time to talk about you homework."


  • You-Messages often provoke destructive arguments and mutual name calling.
    You-Message 通常會引發破壞性的爭論和相互謾罵。
Comment: "You are so slow." Response: "Well you are so stupid." (Sometimes thought and not stated.)
  • You-Messages are frequently damaging to self esteem, especially when the messages come from a respected person or an authority figure.
"You ought to know better," is often heard as, "I am dumb."
"你應該知道得更清楚 "常被說成 "我是個啞巴"。
  • You-Messages often communicate a lack of respect.
"You're acting like a baby."
  • You-Messages are often coercive. In emergency situations, they can be useful for protection or preventing chaos. If used frequently they create power struggles.
    You-Message 通常具有強制性。在緊急情況下,它們可以起到保護或防止混亂的作用。如果頻繁使用,則會造成權力鬥爭。
Not an emergency: "Sit down right now." "Get out of the room."
Emergency due to fire: "Get out of the room now."

Practice I-Messages 練習 I-訊息

Pretend you are in a mediation session, and design an 1-Message for each of the following situations.
假裝你正在進行調解,為以下每種情況設計一個 "1-訊息"。
  1. The parties keep interrupting each other. You have reminded them of the Mediation Respect Agreement (Groundrules) several times.
My purpose for talking with you is
I feel/think 我感覺/認為
because 因為
And my perference would be
  1. Your co-mediator did not give you a chance to participate in the process. When the session is over, you both take a few minutes to discuss how you worked together.
My purpose for talking with you is
I feel/think 我感覺/認為
because 因為
And my perference would be
  1. One of the disputants is really angry. S/he snaps at you and says: "Get off my back and go do your goodie-goodie work with someone else!"
My purpose for talking with you is
I feel/think 我感覺/認為
because 因為
And my perference would be
  1. The parties seem to have forgotten the Mediation Respect Agreement item about name calling. "You are such an uptight idiot." "Well you are such a slob."
    雙方似乎忘了《調解尊重協議》中關於罵人的條款。 "你真是個緊張的白痴""你真是個懶鬼"
My purpose for talking with you is
I feel/think 我感覺/認為
because 因為
And my perference would be

I-Messages Worksheet I-Messages 工作表

My purpose is (State a constructive relational hope, goal, etc.)
I feel and/or think (State feelings and/or thoughts that occur when the problem activity occurs.)
When (Describe the problem activity etc.)
Because (Describe the reason the activity is a problem for you.)
And, my preference would be (State one or two options that you think might resolve the problem activity. One option could be to invite the other to do some mutual problem solving with you.)


Sue: Jane, you're a horrible friend! You're always telling other people things that I told you to keep between us. You just can't keep things to yourself. You have to go right out and blab to everyone! When I told you I might break up with Jim, you went and told Vickie, and she told Jim. Jim and I had just worked out our fight. Now he's mad all over again and he's thinking about breaking up with me. You might as well forget about me ever telling you anything again. You're nothing but a gossip, and you're no friend of mine!
簡,你是個糟糕的朋友!你總是把我讓你保密的事告訴別人 You're always telling other people things that I told you to keep between us.你就是不能把事情藏在心裡。你非得跟每個人都說不可!當我告訴你我可能會和吉姆分手時你去告訴了維姬,她又告訴了吉姆吉姆和我剛剛解決了爭吵現在他又開始生氣了還想和我分手你最好忘了我再也不會告訴你任何事了你不過是個流言蜚語你也不是我的朋友
Jane: You're not much of a friend either. You think the world revolves around you. You don't understand or appreciate anything. How do you know what I told Vickie? You might find out I was trying to help. You're the one who doesn't know how to be a friend and you are not my friend!
你也不是什麼好朋友。你以為世界是圍著你轉的你什麼都不懂,什麼都不欣賞你怎麼知道我跟維琪說了什麼?你可能會發現我只是想幫忙你才是那個不知道怎麼做朋友的人 你不是我的朋友


Sue: My purpose in talking with you is to understand what is happening between us to improve our relationship. I felt really angry when I heard that you told Vickie I was going to break up with Jim because Jim and I had just worked out our fight, but now he might break up with me. It's all a big mess again. I really feel hurt that you told someone after asked you not to tell anyone. My preference would be for us to be friends, but I need to know I can trust you,
蘇:我和你談話的目的是想了解我們之間發生了什麼,以改善我們之間的關係。當我聽到你告訴維姬我要和吉姆分手時,我真的很生氣,因為吉姆和我剛剛解決了我們之間的爭吵,但現在他可能會和我分手。這一切又是一團糟。我真的很傷心,在 讓你不要告訴任何人之後,你卻告訴了別人。我更希望我們能成為朋友,但我需要知道我可以信任你、
Jane: I'm so sorry, Sue. I feel really bad about messing things up for you and Jim. I wasn't thinking when I told Vickie what you had told me. I guess I just wanted to impress her or something. I'm really sorry. I'll never do it again. If you tell me something in confidence, I will keep it to myself. I would like us to remain friends.
對不起,蘇。我真的很抱歉把你和吉姆的事搞砸了我告訴薇琪你跟我說的那些話的時候,我沒想那麼多。 I wasn't thinking when I told Vickie what you had told me.我想我只是想打動她什麼的。我真的很抱歉我再也不會這麼做瞭如果你私下告訴我什麼,我會保密的我希望我們還是朋友